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Old 01-09-2013, 09:43 PM
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Default Poly or Problem?

How can one tell when they are married, if they are poly or if there are problems in their marriage that they are trying to escape from?

Last year my husband and I started practicing polyamory. It went wonderfully, I felt so fulfilled and free. He was fine with it as well, although didn't find a partner as soon as I did. A year later and I am contemplating divorce. It's not that I feel like running away with my other partner, I just have completely grown away from my spouse. He's my best friend and a great dad, but I don't feel like being married to him, tied to him romantically, anymore. I was blindsided, realizing that perhaps our relationship was flawed and I was blind to it until I put it to the poly test. Now I am wondering if I do split from him, will polyamory continue to make sense to me, or was that just an escape?
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:54 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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How much time have you and your husband spent working on trying to improve the connection between the two of you? Do you have regular date nights?

It is possible that you guys have both been spending so much romantic energy elsewhere, that you have neglected your relationship. When I start feeling disconnected from my husband, my first instinct is to pull away further, but that just makes things worse. Date nights and alone time together is important to that intimate connection.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:59 PM
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It's a long story that I don't feel like divulging yet. More so wondering about how people know that their current relationships are not flawed before going poly. I would really like to continue polyamory in my future relationships, but how does one know their relationship is ready and strong enough? Can you know, or do you just take the plunge and find out?
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Old 01-09-2013, 10:18 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
It's a long story that I don't feel like divulging yet. More so wondering about how people know that their current relationships are not flawed before going poly. I would really like to continue polyamory in my future relationships, but how does one know their relationship is ready and strong enough? Can you know, or do you just take the plunge and find out?
Just saw your latest post after I finished my response...

I think that as long as you enter a relationship with honesty, good communication, expectations and guidelines laid out, then that's ok.

My GF and I started out as poly and we still are. We have never been monogamous together. It was hard for the first 6 months; but we were also brand new to the idea of poly *and* our relationship with each other.

I sometimes think it's worse when marital difficulties bring about poly than when a fresh relationship starts off as poly.
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Old 01-09-2013, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
how does one know their relationship is ready and strong enough?
In most cases, you probably don't, but I'm not the one to answer that. Hell, I have to ask that question every time we move or my in-laws come for a month long visit. Major changes always put stress on a marriage, moving, kids, new roommates, relatives visiting, etc.

PS. I'm currently working on a struggling marriage. While we are in a much better place than we were 3 years ago, we are NOT strong enough for poly or anything else right now. So I do relate to the not wanting to be married anymore.

Last edited by SNeacail; 01-09-2013 at 11:11 PM.
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:10 PM
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SnarklePop- I think you are right, it is tougher sometimes coming from a marital standpoint, wondering if you feel this way about Poly because it speaks to who you are as a person, or is it because you are a having issues you are avoiding (perhaps without notice). I appreciate your comments, it gives me a little hope going further, that I may still practice polyamory, when it makes sense in my relationship. I also appreciate the respect you are giving me for my need of privacy in my relationship.

I am still in the thick of figuring this craziness out, and I have been talking to everyone under the sun the last few weeks, I just couldn't bear telling the whole story all over again to a completely unrelated person...what can I say, I'm lazy!
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:32 PM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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I've seen that happen with a fair number of married couples that thought they were happy going into polyamory, then find upon dating others that they were ready to move on, on good terms or otherwise.

It's important that couples do what they can to continue strengthening their relationship with each other while getting to know others if they wish to remain together. Bring as much of that NRE as you can back into your original relationship if you want it to persist. Go do new things with your husband/wife, workout together, have adventures together. Fall in love with each other again every day, or the new relationships may lead to falling out of love.

Last edited by turtleHeart; 01-10-2013 at 12:10 AM.
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:44 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
I am still in the thick of figuring this craziness out, and I have been talking to everyone under the sun the last few weeks, I just couldn't bear telling the whole story all over again to a completely unrelated person...what can I say, I'm lazy!
I understand that! God, I find having to explain it to my secondary partners, who are usually previously-mono single girls a headache after a while... and that's with barely any of the guidelines or heavy talking I go through with a primary ...

Just a little side note...

I used to be a serial monogamist... and I mean Ted Bundy type serial. Not in the murderous sense. ~grins~ But serious overlap of relationships, from one long term love to another. Since I was 16 and started dating, I've only ever been single for about 1 month. Craziness.

But... I realised that it's important sometimes to be alone. When I met my current partner, I was breaking up with my then-girlfriend. I didn't want to rush into a relationship, but ended up falling for GF and becoming poly with her. Strangely enough, I feel kind of single at the moment (ish). I've actually decided not to date anyone outside of her for a while. She's in a different country - so while I'm here, I'm basically celibate. It's been hard but it's actually doing me the world of good - to focus on fulfilling my own needs instead of relying on relationships.

My point with all this waffle is.... perhaps it's a good idea to think about looking after yourself, regardless of other partners, mono or poly. If you do end up going through a separation with your husband, maybe it would be great to just take things as they come, take a break from people (including or excluding your boyfriend).... and I think the answer will come to you naturally over time.

Good luck and please let us know how you get on!
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:59 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
.. wondering if you feel this way about Poly because it speaks to who you are as a person, or is it because you are a having issues you are avoiding (perhaps without notice).
Or, to be less negative about it, a marriage might have issues that you are aware of but cannot necessarily solve. Choosing to be poly might help sustain a marriage that has value but is not meeting everyone's emotional needs.

But I completely agree that significant effort needs to be put into maintaining the initial relationship. Although that's true whether you add poly to the mix or not; it's just that the poly can exacerbate it.

I wonder whether it's also tough to know whether a relationship is strong enough to bear the new structure because people tend to change in response to the new relationship. I know the last year has posed a lot of challenges for me and I have changed as a result; I'm lucky in that I think this has strengthened my capacity to have relationships, including my marriage, but I can imagine that such changes could also interfere with a bond.

Not sure that it matters, but I definitely question whether poly "speaks to who I am as a person"; my long-term assumption was the opposite.
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Old 01-09-2013, 10:14 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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This is a good question and one that I'm not sure enough people ask themselves!

How did you feel about your husband when you first became poly? How long have you been poly... a year, did you say? Have you ever experienced dips and peaks in your feelings for him before? How long have you been feeling this way?

Like SN. said... do you still have dates at all? Do you still make time for intimacy and romance? Or has this faded for you; do you no longer want to?

Have you ever read Sternberg's Love Theory? This concept helps me massively when I am trying to figure out what kind of love, if any, I feel for someone. It might help you to recognise what you're feeling for your husband and whether or not there might be a road back, if you want to take it - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love
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