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Old 09-09-2010, 01:17 PM
ILUV2 ILUV2 is offline
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Default Not sure how to proceed.. if its even possible

Good morning... I am thrilled to have found this site....and look forward to learning and understanding more.

My second husband and I have been married going on three years and together have four kids ages 21-10. We "opened" our marriage to others about two years ago. Originally it was the two of us enjoying others, but always together. That progressed to each of us enjoying others separately, but we always discuss everything. He knows who I was with and vice versa, no secrets, no cheating, and we know that we always come home to each other. Our basic agreement is that we dont play in our home, we always wear our rings, and we never ever lie about anything. It has worked well for us and we remain stable and solid and in love.

It didnt take long, tho, for me to realize that not only was looking for a playmate tiring, but I really didnt want a large amount of partners. I wanted one man that would be my ultimate friend with benefits. Hubby knew what I was looking for and desiring, and had no problems with it. He was surprised it took so long. In the mean time, I did find him a perfect partner.. and they were great together till she started freaking because she had fallen in love with him. She couldnt handle it and broke off their relationship harshly and hurtfully. We were all hurt, she was my friend also. He has since found another playmate/lover, and she is fabulous.

And then I met "him". The man I have been looking for... he was/is everything I desired. It didnt take long for both of us to realize we were in love. My husband was totally fine with my relationship, and gave me total freedom with him. For the most part I spent extra time with my "boyfriend" and regular time with my husband and children, and it amounted to a few late nights and and at least one overnight per week. My BF and I would meet occasionally for lunch and was just happy seeing each other with or without sex.

And then came the problem. He is a divorced man, five years younger than I am, and is still desiring a long term special someone. He realized that by spending time with me, although he loves me and our time together, people are starting to see us as a couple, which no longer makes him a single man and less likely to find a "forever" that he can introduce to friends and family as such. He is unable to reconcile his emotions.. his need for me and his need for "forever". He thought perhaps decreasing our time together would help.. allowing him more "single guy" time, but he was miserable (so was I). He thought that if we didnt go "out" where people would see us as a couple, it would be ok. But, again, he wanted to do "things" with me (we were always discrete though.. as I am married with kids). We are unwilling to no longer see each other, but I will do what needs done to ensure his happiness. If that means I wont see him .. then so be it. I want him to be happy and want him to find someone special. But if he stops seeing me and still doesnt find anyone (he admits that to this point he has met nobody that is what he wants.. other than me)... then putting our love on the back burner is pointless.

Is there a way to move forward with this relationship? This is something he has to come to terms with.. its his life ultimately. But he has asked me what to do. I can and will advise, but I cant decide for him. Of course I want him, but not if he's always going to feel that he's missing out on something.

Maybe this long winded post is pointless. Maybe I've already answered all my questions. But I would love any input and thoughts from those that have been there done that.....

kris
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Old 09-10-2010, 01:29 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think he needs to figure out what he wants and not focus as much on what society expects he should want. Why can't he be "forever" with you? "Forever" is never a guarantee and just an attempt to try to be together as long as it is good for both people.

I think he should enjoy a good thing while he has it and not worry about possibilities or other people's expectations. I think finding happiness is an internal struggle to recognize all the good things you already have.
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Old 09-10-2010, 02:58 AM
ILUV2 ILUV2 is offline
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Thanks so much for responding. I posed the one point you made to him prior to this.. "why cant I be your forever"... and he just cant seem to get past my marriage.
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Old 09-10-2010, 06:24 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Good question! I think that your man sounds very monogamous and is under the understanding, because he lives it, that there is only room for one in ones heart. Perhaps he cares for you and likes having casual sex with you, but doesn't love you and is reserving that special love for someone else. Now he realizes that it has been fun, but that special love is not getting it's needs met.

My boyfriend is also Mono and this is how he describes it... he can chime in whenever he wants if he wants and say more or dispute what I am saying, but he has a special love for just one. Not that anyone elses love for more than one is any less special, this is just the words he uses to describe it for himself. That love he has belongs to me and only me. He doesn't have a need to find another to give that too. I am his forever. We all are now, husband, child, my girlfriend, my extended family. He has chosen me regardless.

Similar to what Quath said, I think that your boyfriend needs to decide if he is going to chose you regardless of what others say and regardless of your husband and life beyond him. I would wonder if he is having second thoughts about his involvement with you. Sounds like he wants someone of his own, not to share. That is fair. Sad for you, but fair enough.
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Old 09-10-2010, 11:32 AM
ILUV2 ILUV2 is offline
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Thank you Redpepper! I think you may have hit the head on the nail. My boyfriend does indeed love me... I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me and in his face when he is struggling to understand our relationship. He has said that his "special someone" is someone exactly like me. But I dont know that he will find someone exactly like me... someone that has lived the life experiences that I have had, that has loved the way I have, that has sacrificed the way I have. I am willing to give him the space he needs... but I fear its in vain. I believe that I am his forever. He just needs to believe it, and come to terms with what may or may not happen within his circle of family/friends when our relationship comes to light.

Thank you again.. I very much appreciate the knowledge of those who have been there done that.
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Old 09-10-2010, 02:39 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You very well could be his special someone and that will come to light with time, consistency on your part and his own process with it all I should think. Mono and I had a simlar struggle and that part is over now. There is little doubt I am his special love. Now the struggle has changed, as it seems to go in relationships.
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