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  #1  
Old 09-06-2010, 11:45 PM
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dub1h dub1h is offline
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Default Setting up the mindset...

How do you handle the feelings of jealousy, and feel good knowing you're one of many, rather than one special person in their life?

I just had a talk with this girl I've been seeing, and I've learned (or rather, confirmed) that our relationship with one another is basically friends with benefits, and I don't think I'm the only one that has this sort of relationship with her. I want to feel good about it but I need help getting my mind to let me.
I want to be happy with what we have (it's been only good so far), and I want her to be happy living her life how she wants, but now I have this added uneasiness/jealousy coming into play..
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Old 09-07-2010, 06:09 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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There are a lot of people here who have written and asked similar questions... have a good look around. Do a tag search on jealousy, and anything else that interests you..

not everyone agrees that "friends with benefits" or "intimate friends" is poly, but a lot do. Get to know what the theory is so that you can be educated. Find out what you need to have as far as boundaries go and what you want from this relationship. This will help so you can start working towards that with her, or anyone else you think would suit you. Remember to be honest with yourself and then with her... and keep your mind open to possibility... this would be my advice.
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  #3  
Old 09-07-2010, 07:31 AM
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Yes I agree with RP (as I usually do) about thinking about what you want to get out of this relationship and what your needs are. Labels are fine but they often mean different things to different people. She may have so far had "friends with benefits" because she hasn't understood any other options to monogamy.

For your relationship to have any chance to work on a level beyond "friends with Benefits" you are going to have to learn how to communicate with her really well. If she isn't up for that kind of work you are going to have to decide whether you can work with what she wants.

Jealousy sucks, but again, dealing with it works best together. If she won't come to the party well...that's a whole other story and I don't know if there is much around about that here. There is a really lovely video on the blog Hot Poly Mess, about being alone.

Keep us posted. I will be interested in how you go. I have a post on my blog (link below) on jealousy but it really applies to committed relationships. I'm sure you aren't turning into a pyscho and plotting to do terrible things to her car. At least I hope not.
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Old 09-08-2010, 01:40 PM
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thanks for the replies guys. i torched her car and spraypainted angry messages all over her house, so it's all good now.

but really, after I slept on it, I woke up feeling a lot better (or perhaps it was after reading your replies that this happened). I don't really feel that initial jealous feeling. She is extremely open to communication, as am I, so talking about all of this is definitely possible...
but I haven't really been able to make myself bring up the topic of polyamory. I might have to save it for next time I see her in person (we spend time together about once a week usually).

How can I talk to her about polyamory? What am I trying to gain exactly is my question. We've established what our relationship is labeled ("friends with benefits due to time constraints and nonexclusivity" (to her, dating is spending lots of time together, and being exclusive), but would changing that label to some sort of poly relationship really accomplish anything?

I'm going to have a better look around the forum but I would still appreciate any specific advice too
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:56 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Nothing really specific we can give you. Changing a label shouldn't change the actual relationship. But it may give it direction.

Poly usually involves love. If you are simply a FWB than it sounds like you fit the open relationship mold better. Poly is fairly eros-specific
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Old 09-08-2010, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Nothing really specific we can give you. Changing a label shouldn't change the actual relationship. But it may give it direction.

Poly usually involves love. If you are simply a FWB than it sounds like you fit the open relationship mold better. Poly is fairly eros-specific
this is a little strange for me, because it's my first relationship of any kind. The LOVE word hasn't been said at all yet, but I do feel like way more than just a friend of hers. I do "love" her as I would want to love the world around me, if that makes any sense. I guess I should have a talk to her about this. Let our hearts open more, instead of trying to keep them closed because we can't be in a "relationship" because of time and distance. hmm

I guess I am a little naive to the actual emotion of love. I do feel something..it's not a sex-only relationship...i dunno this is confusing. How can I bring up the word love without scaring her? I guess I'm assuming it'll scare her.
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