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Old 09-06-2010, 05:43 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Default Help! In a right pickle.

Your thoughts and some empathy would be much appreciated.

The Unicorn has run rampant!

The other night she had her second sleepover. I said I would go upstairs to sleep after the action because I have to get up early and don't sleep well with three in the bed. Z said no, we should take turns and he would take the first time to give us an opportunity for some girly bonding.

I woke up in the middle of the night with her having gone upstairs, jumped into bed with him and well, she is not a very quiet unicorn at the best of times. She didn't bother coming back
so I just left them in their bed and went to work as usual. Yeah I was kinda hurt but the real whammy of the whole thing is that they didn't use any bloody protection!!!

She has text me since and doesn't seem the least perturbed, although she was sorry I didn't say goodbye before leaving for work.

This is my dilemma: I just want out of this relationship. I was bi-curious and I liked the idea of us both having the same girlfriend. I don't know if being 'open' to the idea of bi can develop with the right person but she is far too sexual for me and the whole experience, combined with the dumb, thoughtless behavior has turned me right off the whole experience.

Perhaps unfortunately, she is also a lovely, lovely person who has had a lot of sadness in her life and I don't want to cause her undue pain. She has gone and told her friends and family that she is in a "relationship" and is totally smitten with the whole idea.

I was hoping to get out of this with an email saying it's all my fault for thinking I could be bi-sexual when I obviously can't. But I am feeling like I should educate her in the etiquette of sleeping with someone else's partner, if not for my sake for the general sexual health of the community at large. I know it was also Z's fault but she did jump him in his sleep and he does find it hard to engage his brain under those circumstances.

Last edited by sage; 09-07-2010 at 07:03 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-06-2010, 06:27 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
This is my dilemma: I just want out of this relationship. I was bi-curious and I liked the idea of us both having the same girlfriend. I don't know if being 'open' to the idea of bi can develop with the right person but she is far too sexual for me and the whole experience, combined with the dumb, thoughtless behavior has turned me right off the whole experience.
Not everyone in a triad will get along equally. Just a fact really. Unfortunate though.

Quote:
Perhaps unfortunately, she is also a lovely, lovely person who has had a lot of sadness in her life and I don't want to cause her undue pain. She has gone and told her friends and family that she is in a "relationship" and is totally smitten with the whole idea.
You shouldn't continue to suffer to stop someone else from having pain ...thats unfair to yourself imo.


Quote:
I was hoping to get out of this with an email saying it's all my fault for thinking I could be bi-sexual when I obviously can't. But I am feeling like I should educate her in the etiquette of sleeping with someone else's partner, if not for my sake for the general sexual health of the community at large. I know it was also Z's fault but she did jump him in his sleep and he does find it hard to engage his brain under those circumstances.
Email breakup is lame....

I didn't know there was Etiquette for sleeping with other partners...

How old is he? Condoms are a must. Regardless of the when and where etc, if they aren't fluid bonded they should use condoms. Period. Even when my mini-me is ready to go, I still have enough blood left in my brain to remember a condom.

Good luck with your decision.

Could it be the NRE just be wearing off and normal life is about to start?
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:44 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Please, please don't end it in an email. I got dumped via email three months ago by my secondary partner after two and a half years with him. It's cowardly as hell, insensitive, and cruel. Just meet her in a public place (so she can't make too big a scene), gently tell her the romantic/sexual relationship is not working for the two of you, and offer your continued friendship. Also, hope to hell she isn't knocked up and that she hasn't given your partner an STD. You will want to use condoms with him now until you have his next STD test results. Remember that some STDs have an incubation period. If she is barebacking with your guy, she's probably doing it with others too, so make sure he gets checked out thoroughly.

I personally think dating on your own is a much better way to find someone who is truly right for you. The odds of one person being compatible with both of you are extremely low. Anyway, if you aren't sure you're bi, why not just date men? Why force yourself into sexual/romantic behavior that doesn't really ring your bell?
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:28 AM
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@gwendolenthefair

Sorry, I meant to thank you also for your response. You immediately got me thinking about the pregnancy issue, which I had completely over looked, having had my own tubes tied years ago. She says she has a coil (iud) so I will just have to believe that, although my trust in her is not at an all time high.

I haven't emailed (it is still saved in my drafts). After what you and Ariakis said I decided I would text back my feelings about the lack of condom issue when/if she texts me. Z is going to have coffee with her tomorrow and he will be telling her that a physical relationship doesn't work for him. He get's asthma and is allergic to many things so her smoking leaves him in quite a mess. I have said that I will deal with my own issues with her but if it comes up he can pass on my dismay at her sexual antics. I will be staying in the "Now" and dealing with what comes up when and if it does.

Thanks again

Last edited by sage; 09-07-2010 at 08:30 AM.
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Old 08-17-2011, 06:10 AM
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Bahalana Bahalana is offline
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I'm really curious how this worked out. So its been a year, what happened?
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:02 PM
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Wow, you have dug up an old post. I had even forgotten I wrote it. We parted ways with our unicorn and haven't tried that route again. Z got tested for STDs and they came back negative. She never told us she got pregnant and we lost touch so can only assume she never did.

I have decided to try redefining myself as polyamorous. I believe that for some monos this is possible. Identifying as monogamous was no longer serving me and ....well it's all in the blog post you can link to it in my signature. I have myself up on OK Cupid but I'm looking at guys this time and not trying for a unicorn.
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:48 PM
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Thanks for your reply, I always respect your advice.

Why are email breakups so lame?
What's the alternative? I can't see her for some time.

I'm in a mess over all this and I can't really speak to her on the phone because I keep bursting into tears over it and can hardly speak. Do I start a text conversation over the reasons for my upset? Already she is trying to work out what the matter is and I'm fobbing her off by telling her I feel like crap but getting into it all with her seems like it will just add to my angst.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:05 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Why are email breakups so lame?
What's the alternative? I can't see her for some time.
I just find email breakups to be a bit of a cop out. Just my thing. Phone call would be minimum.

Quote:
I'm in a mess over all this and I can't really speak to her on the phone because I keep bursting into tears over it and can hardly speak. Do I start a text conversation over the reasons for my upset? Already she is trying to work out what the matter is and I'm fobbing her off by telling her I feel like crap but getting into it all with her seems like it will just add to my angst.
Well...if you aren't going to see her for a bit, why not give yourself time to settle down and then do a phone call.

Anyways, thats really just my thing, I would be badly offended if someone broke up with me via email. I wouldn't do it to someone else either

Sorry things are falling apart. Relationships ending always suck...
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:43 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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No one is allowed to express an opinion on this unless they know all the private thoughts and hidden motivations of every party involved. To do so would be "judgment based on nothing".
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Old 09-06-2010, 09:02 PM
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What?

Surely if that was the rule we wouldn't have a forum?
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