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  #1  
Old 01-07-2013, 12:36 PM
EnderSavesAll EnderSavesAll is offline
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Default Told it was over as secondary because partner could not meet needs?

Looking for perspective. A few weeks ago my partner of 4+ months told me she could not continue our relationship. They are married and have been together 2 years and we had been talking for 6 months but together for a little less. I thought thinks had been going very well, but she let me know that meeting my time and sexual needs was too much of a strain for her. I was told that because I am still mono that being in a poly relationship is not fair to me and that I should go find someone to be my everything. Besides her husband she has another partner who is LDR.
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry. Breaking up stinks. I'm glad she was up front as best as she could be with you though. I rather have that than be given "run around."

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I thought thinks had been going very well, but she let me know that meeting my time and sexual needs was too much of a strain for her.
Fair enough. If meeting your needs is a strain for her, it is a strain. IF she's no longer willing and able, she's no longer willing and able.

But were you given opportunity to discuss to double check and see if some of your needs are actually wants rather than need-to-haves, and can be compromised on to alleviate the strain so the relationship can continue? Or she's just done?

Quote:
I was told that because I am still mono that being in a poly relationship is not fair to me and that I should go find someone to be my everything.
You can be monoamorous and ok in a polyship. (Are you ok and happy in it?)

Is it about her? That SHE is not comfortable with dating a monoamorous person and dealing with her guilty feelings over it somehow? If the problem is her, it is kinder for her to own it when breaking up than try to shoosh it on you like you being monoamorous and poly-willing is somehow a failing! It isn't! And she doesn't determine what is "fair" and tolerable for you. You do. YOU decide what you are willing/not willing to accept.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-07-2013 at 06:54 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-07-2013, 03:33 PM
EnderSavesAll EnderSavesAll is offline
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I had asked for more time a week before but it was a want not a need. She kind of dropped her issues as one big bomb and I broke down.

I tried to discuss compromise to deal with them, but that is when she actually ended the relationship. She just decided she was done. I think it was about her, it really bother her the lengths I was willing to work on this while she said there was nothing she could do. She decided that wasn't fair to me to give so much for so little back. Once she came to that conclusion I had no say. It was too much for her. She couldn't let me do that.
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:39 PM
EnderSavesAll EnderSavesAll is offline
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Note this was her first poly relationship and she is still recently married.
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  #5  
Old 01-07-2013, 05:30 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Were you interested in possibly dating others at some point, or were you set on her being your only partner? If the former, I think her decision was unfair and premature. If the latter, maybe it really was for the best, if being co-primary with her husband wasn't considered a possible option down the line. Either way, I feel for you, it sucks to be told you're being broken up with for your own good. In addition to the normal hurt, you end up feeling condescended to.
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:35 PM
EnderSavesAll EnderSavesAll is offline
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She knew from the beginning that I was poly curious but not decided. I was open to the idea but not sure how to try or if it was me yet. She decided after 4 months that I clearly was mono, a call which may be true but I still haven't made. I still don't know now. I think part of the pressure on her is we were very much close to co-primaries or were for a bit. The problem is her husband has never had a partner and while he says he is poly has not been trying. That puts more pressure on her as she was trying to meet everyone's needs. That also hurts because as the secondary not having my own partner meant our end, the primary is safe to not look if he wishes.
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