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  #1  
Old 09-03-2010, 06:32 PM
Schmidt12 Schmidt12 is offline
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Default I have a ton of questions!

Ok here goes, so me and my girfriend have been talking about Polyamory recently. We are planning on getting married in 2 years, should we put the Polyamory talk on hold? And we have been talking in the form of a triad, but if it came down to it other than me she is more interested in women. And here's my thing, sometimes I'm ok with the thought of her with another man, other times it bugs me. I understand it isn't fair, but at the moment anyways men don't interest her. And having gone through this it makes me love her that much more because I understand the difficulty to accept it. Any tips? Advice?
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Old 09-03-2010, 06:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Schmidt12 View Post
Ok here goes, so me and my girfriend have been talking about Polyamory recently. We are planning on getting married in 2 years, should we put the Polyamory talk on hold?
Up to you. I think everything should be on the table BEFORE marriage. But thats personal. Hell everything was on the table within the first week of meeting my now wife

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And we have been talking in the form of a triad, but if it came down to it other than me she is more interested in women. And here's my thing, sometimes I'm ok with the thought of her with another man, other times it bugs me. I understand it isn't fair, but at the moment anyways men don't interest her. And having gone through this it makes me love her that much more because I understand the difficulty to accept it. Any tips? Advice?
Play it out in your head. Why don't you mind women vs men, figure that out. Is it sexual, emotional, male competition. You need to figure out why, in your head its different.

In some people its purely genital based. The woman can't "take" a woman like a man can. And yes I have read that. Its total bull, any man that has seen two women together knows it bullshit.

My wife started out that way too btw. In my head I kept preparing myself for the day she might find a male interest. It happened. ...
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Old 09-03-2010, 06:54 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Schmidt12 View Post
Ok here goes, so me and my girfriend have been talking about Polyamory recently. We are planning on getting married in 2 years, should we put the Polyamory talk on hold? And we have been talking in the form of a triad, but if it came down to it other than me she is more interested in women. And here's my thing, sometimes I'm ok with the thought of her with another man, other times it bugs me. I understand it isn't fair, but at the moment anyways men don't interest her. And having gone through this it makes me love her that much more because I understand the difficulty to accept it. Any tips? Advice?
Try Poly out before getting married. That way you'll know if it is possible for you as a couple and not just as individuals. It might work for one of you but not the other.

Good luck and it's great you are discussing this sooner rather than later
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Old 09-03-2010, 07:14 PM
Schmidt12 Schmidt12 is offline
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Thanks guys! Now when I say put Polyamory on hold, I meant what would be fair to a possible third with us getting married and all? And do you guys know of any books? I know there's threads but I went to s bookstore am I to assume they won't be found there? Lol
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Old 09-03-2010, 11:20 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Anything is possible in poly. Why should you not get married and have other lovers? There are no rules. You get to decide.

Book stores generally have the ethical slut. A really good book if you are both into poly. Otherwise on line is the best bet.

Have a good read around here. Your story is just about a carbon copy of many others on here. Keep looking around and start with educating yourself. Then start planning and keep communicating.

Ari and Mono have excellent points.

Good luck.
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  #6  
Old 09-04-2010, 02:35 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Try Poly out before getting married. That way you'll know if it is possible for you as a couple and not just as individuals. It might work for one of you but not the other.

Good luck and it's great you are discussing this sooner rather than later
I want to point out, legal marriage is kind of redundant. I mean, IF you are committed to each other, then you make that commitment in your minds and your hearts. When you have a ceremony, it is a ritual to show the world the commitment that you have already made to each other (and an excuse to party hee hee). When you sign a license or a legal contract (in the case of a common law marriage) it is a legal document showing the government and/or insurance companies and/or other legal entities that you have made a commitment to each other. Your commitment begins when you choose to commit, not when you sign a document or hold a party. I have done all of the things listed above (and I have a LOT of anniversaries!) and my commitment was the same on every occasion listed as it was in the moment I realized that I had chosen to make a commitment.

The point I guess I'm trying to make is, why would poly now as opposed to after your ceremony/legal document change? If the two of you are comfortable and ready, that is when you should move forward. I don't see why you should put it off because of a marriage you have planned--but I definitely think you should know that you are okay with her being with another man before you do anything. She might not be interested in men right now, but how many posts on this board start with, "She said she wasn't going to date other men, but then she met X." Plus, you can be just as jealous of another woman as you are of another man--it might not seem that way now, but you need to be aware that love is love regardless of gender and you might feel differently down the road.
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:49 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I say you should try it out now instead of later. Going through poly tends to be a big experience that can change many perspectives. Better to go through it sooner than later.

Be careful about triads, I use to focus on them more because they sounded more stable than a V. However, I have reversed my opinion of that. With a triad, you or your girlfriend may fall more or less in love with the person. Or the other person may feel more intensely for one than the other. I would suggest not labeling it and let it progress as it will. If it turns into a triad or V, then let it. Trying to push for s specific relationship configuration seems to add instability.

As for getting use to the idea of a girlfriend being with another guy, I use to have the same issue. I realized I had to trust that my SO would not date another guy who would try to steal her away or feel like he is pissing on my territory. I realized I just wanted my relationship with her to be respected by the other guy. After I realized that, I also realized I could feel compersion for her going out with someone else.

It took awhile, but I think it is worth it to have one less thing that can easily bug you.
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