Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-04-2013, 08:02 AM
FunkylilMama FunkylilMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default Such a mess in my head

Hey there~
I'm a 24 yr. old female in a monogamous marriage with DH. We've been married for about 3.5 years and together for almost 5.
I was raised in a very conservative household and was required to go to church for 18 years and it was hell. I was taught many things that didn't seem right or good to me and I am still dealing with some issues therein. I grew up being taught that being anything but straight and monogamous was a sin.
When I met DH, he opened my eyes and my heart to a completely different take on life. He showed me mind opening things and helped me to eliminate and deal with some of the programming that I had experienced most of my life. I truly opened up and flourished, he helped me to let go of some* of my issues. I love him and absolutely cannot imagine life without him. As I continue to let go of the stigmas of my religious upbringing I find out more and more about who I am.
For a little while now, I'm not sure how long, I've been having some bisexual feelings. As my thoughts progressed and my curiosities grew, I started reading about bisexuality, pansexuality, and various types of non-monogamy. I feel like I have finally gotten over my programming and am comfortable enough now to say (here) that I'm bisexual. I have kept all this from my husband because I am truly nervous about how he is going to respond. He always (and in a joking manner ((I think))) says that people who are bisexual are "just being greedy" but I don't know that he really believes that...he is a very loving and open minded person usually and would not treat anyone badly because of their sexual orientation. I just don't know how he'd take it if a coming out was coming from his wife.
As far as polyamory goes, I feel like this may apply to me as well. I love DH and cannot imagine a life where he and I were not romantically involved, my heart aches at the thought. But I feel as though I have more love to give and that I could touch others with that and learn and grow with them. I also think that DH is such a wonderful person that he too has others to help and love. He helped me to realize, grow, and open my mind and heart to a life changing extent, I don't want to keep that magic just to myself. He is straight and I'm almost positive that if I mentioned polyamory he would flip his lid. He is a jealous person and is possessive (but not to an unhealthy degree I don't think). I really just have no idea how to bring this up with him. I think he might come unhinged if I even suggested some play with us and another girl.
So I've had all of this rolling around in my brain for what feels like forever now. I haven't talked to any of my friends about this, not even by bestie. I've been reading the Ethical Slut and will soon be into Opening Up, but I really need to talk about this. My brain is absoluely reeling with all that's going on in there.

Last edited by FunkylilMama; 01-04-2013 at 06:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-04-2013, 07:00 PM
FunkylilMama FunkylilMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default Did I do something wrong in my intro?

I see that many people have viewed my intro but no one has responded.....is there a particular reason for that?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-04-2013, 08:15 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 5,892
Default

I'm guessing that the reason for that is because Polyamory.com is such a bustling site, there is a ton of stuff going on and posts going up everywhere. Be patient and ping your own threads from time to time; they'll get answered eventually.

Welcome to our site. I think you and your husband are both on a journey that will take a long time to complete. Will your husband be willing to read the books you are reading? You may have passed him up already in terms of what's possible.

I can relate/sympathize with you on the background of going to church and trying to fit in, where there just isn't any way to fit in. I am now in a poly relationship which seals me off forever from re-joining the church of my youth.

Share with your husband what you are learning, as much as you can. Invite him to read the same books you're reading. Try to have talks where you discuss what you are learning as a couple.

I hope Polyamory.com is a good place for you, to learn, to relax, and just to feel accepted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-04-2013, 08:48 PM
FunkylilMama FunkylilMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Thanks KDT.

"Will your husband be willing to read the books you are reading? You may have passed him up already in terms of what's possible."

I think he would probably be willing to read these books and discuss them, but as I said, I haven't come out to anyone about being bi or polycurious (I suppose this term fits best). I'm really scared that when I start talking to him about this he's going to completely freak and possibly leave. I'm sure that the scenarios in my brain are probably worse than what will actually happen, but I'm sososo scared of what may happen. I don't know how to start any of these conversations or how to ask him to read these books without causing issue.

What do you mean I may have passed him up in terms of what's possible?

As far as the church thing goes, I've know for a long time that I will never ever go back to any kind of religion. I'm very happy about this decision and now it's just a matter of shaking all the progamming and bullshit from my head.

My biggest fear is that I bring up the things that have been going on in my head (telling him that I'm bisexual) and ask him to read, learn, and talk with me and he freaks out and leaves. I love him more than I have words for, but I don't think monogamy is what is going to bring me the most happiness.

I have always claimed to be straight but I feel I have always been bisexual, it was just something I wouldn't recognize and own up to due to my upbringing and the programming in my head. I also think polyamory may have always been something that my heart and mind are wired for. So now that we're getting closer to 4 years of marriage, I'm feeling like complete scum for not having figured this out before we tied the knot. I feel like these things should have been something I dealt with before we got married, but they were no where on my radar at the time.

All that being said, I just don't know how to bring it up with him.....I want to do it in the most gentle way possible, but feel like no matter which avenue I choose it ends with him leaving me.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-05-2013, 12:51 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Hi and welcome ,

I don't there is going to great, perfect, way to drop this news.

Do you have kids? That generally weighs into these decisions on both sides.

The upside is you are only 3 an half yrs in. I think knowing this kind of stuff is alway better sooner than later. And looking back at hypotheticals isn't going to help either one of you move forward.

I'd do you reading and research in the open and answer the question if and when they come. Frame it as exploring an interest...that can morph into hey I think I really identify with this ...go from there.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-05-2013, 03:45 AM
FunkylilMama FunkylilMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default

I know there's not going to be a perfect way to start these conversations, I'm just looking for a way that will be less dramatic than what's playing over and over in my head.

No, we don't have any kids. I don't think I want kids, definitely not anytime soon if we were to have some. We have discussed that at length and are doing our best to prevent a pregnancy.

Doing my reading and research out in the open would be a good idea if he weren't so analytical all the time. If he knew what the reseach was about the gears in his brain would start turning and he would figure me out, probably sooner than later, and that might be even worse than telling him.

Thank you two for responding....I hope I don't seem as if I'm waving away your advice/thoughts.....I'm just really confused......
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-06-2013, 06:55 PM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FunkylilMama View Post
I have kept all this from my husband because I am truly nervous about how he is going to respond. He always (and in a joking manner ((I think))) says that people who are bisexual are "just being greedy" but I don't know that he really believes that...he is a very loving and open minded person usually and would not treat anyone badly because of their sexual orientation. I just don't know how he'd take it if a coming out was coming from his wife.
He doesn't sound terribly open-minded. That sort of clashes with the picture you paint in the introductory paragraph.

Quote:
I really just have no idea how to bring this up with him. I think he might come unhinged if I even suggested some play with us and another girl.
There really is no gentle way to put it. I mean I suppose you can make it creative and play a game of Charades or 20 Questions but that's not really going to cushion the landing.

Quote:
I think he would probably be willing to read these books and discuss them, but as I said, I haven't come out to anyone about being bi or polycurious (I suppose this term fits best). I'm really scared that when I start talking to him about this he's going to completely freak and possibly leave. I'm sure that the scenarios in my brain are probably worse than what will actually happen, but I'm sososo scared of what may happen. I don't know how to start any of these conversations or how to ask him to read these books without causing issue.
You're trying to land a plane with no landing gear; doesn't matter how you choose to do it, its gonna be a mess regardless of where you choose to land. That said, its usually not as messy of a landing as people think. I lost a few friends when I went public but nobody actually flipped out. I had thought SOMEONE was going to lose their shit but no one ever did.

My then fiancee did EVENTUALLY flip out but that actually turned out for the best.

Quote:
My biggest fear is that I bring up the things that have been going on in my head (telling him that I'm bisexual) and ask him to read, learn, and talk with me and he freaks out and leaves. I love him more than I have words for, but I don't think monogamy is what is going to bring me the most happiness.
Then you have The Choice (TM)

Option One: Tell him and risk him leaving. If he leaves, you are free to pursue a relationship style that better fits your needs. If he doesn't, hey presto best possible outcome.

Option Two: Don't tell him. Start practicing activities that numb out the feelings you have because you wont be able to bring them out into the open with him around.

As someone who took Option Two for several years, I can tell you from personal experience that that option gets INCREDIBLY difficult after a while. It almost drove me crazy.

Quote:
I have always claimed to be straight but I feel I have always been bisexual, it was just something I wouldn't recognize and own up to due to my upbringing and the programming in my head. I also think polyamory may have always been something that my heart and mind are wired for. So now that we're getting closer to 4 years of marriage, I'm feeling like complete scum for not having figured this out before we tied the knot. I feel like these things should have been something I dealt with before we got married, but they were no where on my radar at the time.
Dont kick yourself in the head for not knowing what the next chapter is about if you haven't read the book yet. Six years ago I would have described myself as "militantly monogamous" and would never have even considered a poly-type situation. Then five years into an engagement that I thought was to be "the one," my subconscious rears it's head and says "SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!" And the rest, as they say, is history. You learn things as you go along in life and often those things are about yourself.

Quote:
All that being said, I just don't know how to bring it up with him.....I want to do it in the most gentle way possible, but feel like no matter which avenue I choose it ends with him leaving me.
Like I said, there really is no gentle way to tell him. Either you beat around the bush for half an hour hoping he figures it out (which is rarely a good thing, brings up a lot of trust issues and preconceived notions) or you lay the cards on the table and see what happens.
__________________
=DISCLAIMER=
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-07-2013, 08:36 PM
FunkylilMama FunkylilMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Smile Speeding in a caution zone

I want to thank everyone on here that has given me advice or shared kind words, you all have given me some peace of mind and a whole lot of things to think about. I'm going to slow it down and deal with one discovery at a time. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone in my late discovery of myself. I truly appreciate everything.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:21 AM.