Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-02-2013, 09:17 PM
Velvet's Avatar
Velvet Velvet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 36
Default Poly, Loving It, but Still in the Closet about it

I've been reading around this forum and thought I would make an account in case I want to post on something.

I'm female, since around 2005 I have been in a V relationship with two men. My man Ave and I live together, he is completely monogamous and I am the only woman he has ever had a relationship with. BB and I have a long distance relationship, but no less intense because of time or distance.

What appeals most me about Polyamory is the possibilities.

I had always struggled with, once I was close to someone I wanted to be physically close to them as well as emotionally. Those kinda of thoughts get you labeled as a slut and a whore, even though I typically don't want a sexual relationship with my friends I love to cuddle, hug, and kiss my close friends. That is why Polyamory (once I discovered it) seemed like the only right choice for me. The idea of compersion, in particular, to be happy with your SO being with someone (anyone) else like friends or another lover has been a huge positive factor in my life. Other parts of Polyamory aren't necessarily part of my reason for choosing to define myself as Poly. But everyone has their own unique course with Poly and I think that is a good thing.

What I would really like to do in the next few years is come out to my family as being Poly. It's complicated, not because of Polyamory itself, but because I know my family doesn't approve of BB at all. That is a long story...but if you want the extremely short version it is because my man BB is my cousin. So I would have to come out both as Poly and deal with my family thinking our relationship is inappropriate...which it is not in my opinion. In fact, until I only hinted at my feelings for BB to my Mom I had no idea people even thought it was strange or wrong to like your cousin in that way. I was trying to hint at being Poly. So, yeah, complicated.

Hello
__________________
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.

Last edited by Velvet; 01-02-2013 at 09:24 PM. Reason: to make it a little better
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-02-2013, 11:53 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,335
Default

Hi Velvet,
Welcome to our forum.

Coming out can be a tough job; not all polyamorists do it. Take me for example, I'm still in the closet. I'd kind of like to come out, but that's not what my companions want, so I am willing to honor their wishes. I talk to them sometimes when the subject comes up.

I guess there will be different opinions about the cousin thing. Me personally, I don't have a problem with it. As long as the situation is consensual all around between the three of you. But, as you've already seen, you may be in for some heat about the cousin thing, as well as the poly thing, when you come out to your family.

I'm sure you are not a slut or a whore; certainly not from reading your post. I suspect that a lot more people are "inwardly poly" than realize it.

Anyway, continue reading various threads and stuff here, and don't hesitate to post any thoughts or questions you may have. I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-03-2013, 06:00 AM
Velvet's Avatar
Velvet Velvet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 36
Default

Thanks kdt!

My parents were never involved in the few people I have dated. That was an area of my life I kept private from my family. In High School I dated four guys before my Ave, but I was only intimate with two of them. And through a series of confusing and stressful events I found myself wanting to be with my cous BB too. All this before I knew about Polyamory. I did not intend for my relationships to be a secret. And it being secret means I lie sometimes. I feel bad about lying. So even though I don't expect a welcoming response from my parents or other family it is what it is and not truly their business, but I don't want to lie anymore.

Sometimes I just think the three of us should all move into a house together and leave everyone to fill in the blank themselves. But BB really likes having his own space so that wouldn't happen anytime soon. Some day I think it will but not for a long time. I think it will because I am very persistant and trying to make that happen, slowly but surely.

Ave would come out with me, but BB is concerned about being alienated from his family. Even though we are cousins our seperate neucular families have never been close at all. My family is much more liberal, but he is at more risk of being rejected. Lately I have been working to learn who his family is and maybe even befriend his brothers, sisters, and other family. Because I am almost a stranger to them. So that then I am hopefully not just some harlot who came from out of nowhere and seduced their beloved favorite son. Lol
__________________
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-03-2013, 08:59 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,335
Default

What would it take for BB to move closer to you? I'm just curious. Does his immediate family also live quite a ways away? If so, that makes it tricky for you to try to get better acquainted with them.

I don't blame BB for worrying about coming out if his family is very conservative. I hope you can come to an agreement with him about what to do, and stick together in that agreement.

Regards,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-04-2013, 02:34 AM
Velvet's Avatar
Velvet Velvet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 36
Default

BB has a lucrative job where he lives in the southern US. He cannot find the exact same kind of opportunity here, but he does actually like where I live better (Minnesota) and wants to move back north sometime in the future. If I had a "real" job I could make a career out of that would be better for him to move up here. Then, even if he had a less lucrative job in the same field I could do more to support him.

Which I want to do, I hate just working for paycheck and only breaking even. It wouldn't be fair to ask BB to move up here, right now, dip into his savings, sell his house, and then be the big breadwinner for me and Ave too. The most appealing idea we have had, is that in a few years I should finally have a real career on my hands. Then what BB can do is move here, likely getting a job with less money than he has now, but it can be more about the fun of his work (he is a pilot and loves flying planes). So it would be my house in my name, and he can not worry about being a homeowner, I would be the homeowner with Ave.

The plan is a work in progress. It hinges on me finishing my degree and getting into the field I want to be.
__________________
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-04-2013, 07:40 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,335
Default

Keep on working on your dream, you will get there. I'm sure BB is looking forward to the eventual move!
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-05-2013, 02:21 AM
SnC SnC is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Velvet;

We are complete rookies in polyamory (though not to non-monogamy), but wanted to hopefully add something of use to you...

I know lying is hard. Not wanting to lie is very admirable. It is very, very difficult, stressful, and damaging to carry around a lie. I know there's perceived rewards of not having to lie to your family anymore should you come out to them. But consider; what do you stand to lose by telling them? What does BB stand to lose? It's possible (I don't know your families) you and he could be effectively shunned from both nuclear families and extended families.

Sometimes when you are telling someone something you are shifting the stress and burden of it from you to them. While it frees you, and you feel a sense of relief, the person with whom you are sharing your concern may feel an enormous weight come down on them.

If, say, you tell your mom; then she has a potential burden. Does shoe tell other nuclear family members? If she doesn't, is she now lying too? What about extended family? Does she now have to keep it all secret and carry that burden now too?

Tread carefully. There is much to consider here.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:57 PM.