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  #1  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:42 PM
dust dust is offline
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Default Hi from Michigan

Hello,
Married for over 10 years, two wonderful kids. We are just starting with an open marriage (my wife's idea) and it's a struggle for me. I'm looking for a support group.
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  #2  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:58 PM
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Hi, Dust.

Welcome to the forum. It's slower around here than it used to be, but you'll probably find what you're looking for, if you'll be patient.
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  #3  
Old 12-31-2012, 04:49 PM
dust dust is offline
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Default Thanks River

There is a lot here - looking forward to interacting and sharing. Thanks for the welcome.
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Old 01-01-2013, 04:58 AM
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Fish1470 Fish1470 is offline
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Welcome Dust from one new member to another. Sounds like we have similar situations, am here if I can help at all mate.
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Old 01-01-2013, 04:27 PM
dust dust is offline
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Thanks Fish,
This has been a painfully eye-opening experience for me, and it's really gotten me to consider how I love. There are so many subtle undertones of control, neediness and ownership and I'm trying to wash a lot of that away. It's not fun, but I feel like I'm growing.

At the same time I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.

I realize that this is all in my head, but as much as I want to, I can't turn my brain off. My life and my wife can be awesome if I can just get past all of this - but pain and jealousy keep derailing me. I feel needy and that makes my wife need more space - a tough cycle to break out of. Divorce and separation have come up several times, mostly from hurt - but we both wonder if we've outgrown each other.

I could go on, but this is enough layers of the onion for now. My wife and I have talked this to death and I need to be able to talk and share with others. I'd like to find someone for myself, but that's never been my strong suit and this is so much on my mind that I'd be a rotten date right now.

I could use some support, please let me know if you can relate.

Thanks,
D
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Old 01-02-2013, 03:29 AM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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I would like to follow you to see how you respond. I have much to learn from you.
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  #7  
Old 01-02-2013, 03:56 AM
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Fish1470 Fish1470 is offline
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The initial shock is always going to take time, take communication and then more time. When Kat talked to me about her wants, needs every negative thought that could go through my head did, every worst case became the most likely.

First up I wonder why you think you have outgrown one another? Obviously you love your wife, which in turn makes it obvious you want your relationship to continue.

For me the first thing to deal with was the sense that she must want to separate, it was, for me at least a natural conclusion to the suggestion that she wanted to see other people, sexually and emotionally. After much thought, a lot of conversation, a fair few arguments it became clear that you wouldn't argue over seeing other people if you didn't love one another.

Dust all I can say is take those negative feelings, write them down then pick one. For a day, a week, a month just think about where that's come from, why you feel it. I promise you these arrangements can work, and you won't believe this right now, but it can make your marriage stronger.

Chin up mate, it might look like storm clouds everywhere, but there is a sky above the rain.
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:39 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dust View Post
. . . I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.
No one can complete anyone else. We are all whole human beings, and if we feel incomplete, no other person can fix that for us. It's an illusion that only can change from the inside. Likewise, believing that we can complete another person is a dangerous myth to invest in. You start thinking that that is your role in life, and then you won't know what to do with yourself when the bubble bursts and you realize she was whole all along.

But you are a whole person and so is she, so you are both already complete.

Whether in a polyamorous or mongamous relationship structure, you and your wife STILL CAN BE:
special to each other,
allies in facing the challenges of life (the world), AND
meant for each other.

Her being with someone else does not take away or negate any of these things. All it means is that she's spending time and relation with someone else she cares about. That is all. It is not about you.

Explore what makes you happy and new ways of relating to each other. When you look at each other, realize that each day you are new and growing, and there is always more to learn about a person. This is an exciting time, actually - you have the opportunity to create and reframe what your marriage means for you instead of being hypnotized into adopting what society says it should be. Embrace it. All the best...
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