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  #1  
Old 12-27-2012, 12:10 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Not Really OK with DH/Girlfriend Having A Child

A little backstory. My DH and I have been together for over 12 years and married for almost 11 of those. Our now shared girlfriend was solely with me up until recently, as I was the hinge/shared love of the two. She and I have been together for 12.5 years. My DH was mono, and she was the only add'l person in my life.

I have always encouraged a relationship to form, so when it finally happened, I was overjoyed. Compersion is at a fever pitch. Now, we are establishing limits and boundaries. One that I have discovered is children outside of our marriage. DH and I have two children together, but I am honestly not alright with them having children. I know it is the beginning stages of their relationship, and I don't micromanage. The talks of children are early, and they haven't said anything, yet. He wants to go on dates with her? Fine. He wants to make love to her? Fine. He wants to introduce her to his colleagues and family as his girlfriend? Fine. Having a child or children together? Pump the brakes.

I plan on having a conversation with them both to gauge their feelings as far as children and to voice my concerns. For us, talking individually and jointly works for the best. Prior to them being intimate, she had started birth control well in advance, but I still insisted on them using condoms. Now, that it is more than a sexual relationship, it is possible that she/he or they will want to fluid bond, which could lead to an unplanned pregnancy. No BC is 100% safe. Before that happens, several talks need to occur.

I want to know if anyone here has encountered this, and if so, what worked for you? I'm all for compromise and balance, but this is one thing I can honestly say I'm probably not going to be OK with. I'm all for my spouses being happy and experiencing love, but this is where I draw the line. I can't even explain why I feel the way I do. Am I wrong for trying to limit them in that aspect? Thank you all in advance.
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  #2  
Old 12-27-2012, 03:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ask them now before it develops further what their intentions are in that direction and what the plan is. What expectations there are of you, if any. What rights/responsibilities would be granted you in this situation, if any. Just as you tell them what YOUR wants, needs, and limits are in this area. Talk to them.

DH and I covered that and neither of us wants more children -- with each other or with other people. We've promised genetic monogamy and that's a limit.

Parenting is hard, and it is a huge commitment to the child. Time, money, energy, effort, etc.

Even when the "active parenting" phase ends and the kid graduates and leaves the nest, you don't stop being a parent. It becomes a different relationship -- adult to adult, just happens that I'm also your parent.

Just as there is "polysaturation" where you are full up on partners, I think there's "kid saturation" where that's it. That's all the kids one wants to have with whom. All the kids one is willing to support and parent well. Maybe it's 0. Maybe it's more. But everyone has that limit.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-27-2012 at 05:52 PM.
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  #3  
Old 12-27-2012, 05:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sounds like a lot of talking is in order.

I think you just really need to find out what their thoughts and desires are on it (she may not even want to pop out a baby or be a parent), and clearly state your own trepidations about it, but also keep in mind that her body and choice is her own. It doesn't sound like you want to decide for her, but it is important to remember that another person cannot dictate what a woman should do with her womb. I think your focus should be more on your husband. If you and he are done having children, perhaps he can have a vasectomy. But again, that's up to him.

And you all should discuss your feelings and thoughts should an accidental pregnancy occur. Of course, if that happens, it is her choice whether to terminate pregnancy or not.

Maybe the thing to do is for everyone to agree that they are not to fluid bond. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to always keep it wrapped just with her.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 12-27-2012, 08:03 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Thank you both for your advice. Talking is definitely in order. She had always identified as a lesbian, so there was no intimate contact with males, which has now spawned this next series of talks. She has never expressed the desire to have children of her own, but as we all know, your feelings can change over time and over years. I just didn't want to be the bad guy or the third of triad not on board with something like this if it were to arise.

I agree that the decision to fluid bond on their end needs to be put on hold. I absolutely love children. Our youngest is 7 months, and I know that I am not ready to commit to raising any children but the two we already have right now or anytime soon, and I can say in my heart of hearts that I would not be supportive or genuinely happy for them. I really cannot explain these feelings. It is more than just being too soon to bring another child into the world. It is more than the fiscal responsibility and the lifelong commitment to being a parent. I handle things like that well. Once I figure out I'm feeling and why, I can probably elaborate it more. I do know that I like the idea of genetic monogamy, GalaGirl.

Are DH and I done having children? I cannot say. There were talks of a vasectomy prior to our son being born, but it was not written in stone. I'm only 32, and I may wake up in a few months with the desire to bring new life into the world. I am not having a tubal ligation anytime soon. The idea was presented, and though, I know it is reversible, it is still a major procedure. I prefer to hold off until we agree for sure that we are done having children.

I absolutely do not want to make the choice for her. It is her body and her choice, but I would be living a lie if I said she had my support on something this major. I'd rather have the hard talks now than wait until something happens and then be forced to deal with the aftermath and choices. I don't ever want to be the reason someone contemplates terminating a pregnancy or anything like that. Major talking in our home tonight.

Once again, thank you!
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Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #5  
Old 12-27-2012, 11:16 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Are there other new or old limits and boundaries that are unequally applied to a specific couple?

Funny to hear "her body and her choice" but maybe he should have a vasectomy and always wear a condom until ..............until when exactly?

I don't understand why the fluid bonding needs to be put on hold given the long histories of the unit....especially after you've encouraged it for so many years.
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Old 12-27-2012, 11:48 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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MC would not like it if I got pregnant by TGIB. I would not like it if I got pregnant by TGIB. TGIB would not like it if I got pregnant by TGIB.

We understand there is a risk, and if it happened, we would all deal, but we do as much as we can to minimize the risk.

It seems like you are putting the cart, or several carts, before the horse, and need to stop and see what they each think about the concept before you worry about compromise and balance. You may all already be on the same page, and your worry may be for nothing. Find out first. Then you can worry about limits and what is fair. (Though for me, I agree with you that I would not want MC to get another woman pregnant. TGIB already has kids with his ex, though, and I deal with that, so I imagine I'd deal with it if it happened.)
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:13 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Are there other new or old limits and boundaries that are unequally applied to a specific couple?

Funny to hear "her body and her choice" but maybe he should have a vasectomy and always wear a condom until ..............until when exactly?

I don't understand why the fluid bonding needs to be put on hold given the long histories of the unit....especially after you've encouraged it for so many years.
IMHO, it's not unfair or unequal. New couple formed = new limits. Prior to now, there was no need for limits, as nothing had transpired, as we were a V and I was the hinge. Now that it has, limits are being established.

The thing with the vasectomy is that it involves me as well. A vasectomy and a tubal can both be undone, but the reversal procedure a tubal is 10k and our insurance will not cover that. The other issue is it may or may not take. In the event it doesn't, we are just out of the money. If I do something like a tubal, I want it to be set in stone that no more children will be had. We have not reached the point in our marriage where we have said that we are done having children. There was never a cookie cutter limit like 3 because initially we didn't want children. As mentioned in a previous post, it took a little bit under 7 years for the tide to turn.
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Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #8  
Old 12-28-2012, 12:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherry88 View Post
. . . maybe its less about timing and more about just wanting to be sure your hubby sticks with his responsibilities to your own kids before starting a family with someone else right now).
Any babies he fathers, whether with his wife or gf, would also be his own kids.

It sounds like a triad without hierarchy. OP, do you all three live together? Just wondering.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #9  
Old 12-29-2012, 02:53 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Any babies he fathers, whether with his wife or gf, would also be his own kids.

It sounds like a triad without hierarchy. OP, do you all three live together? Just wondering.
Yes, we do reside together, but she also retains a separate residence. She understands that DH and I need time alone and vice versa.
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Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #10  
Old 12-31-2012, 02:39 AM
eternallygreatful eternallygreatful is offline
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There is no one answer to what is right for every poly couple. I am in a relationship with a dh and shared girlfriend. I have two children with my dh and have no problem if they decide one day to have kids together. Our relationship is one based on love and trust between the three of us and we are raising our 2 current kids as if she was a mom to them too. The only problems that i would foresee would be with judgment from the child's friends parents growing up. A poly lifestyle is not socially acceptable and the kids would have to deal with having half siblings but living with both of those siblings parents. It can be confusing to explain to people, but in the end it is all about what will make the three of you happy. I would never want to deny a woman the chance to be a mother, but some strict guidelines have to be laid down first.
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