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  #1  
Old 12-26-2012, 07:53 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Default All edgy...need help with words

I don't want to be "poly." As I said in my intro post, I feel like I can't (yet?) ID comfortably with that, as it seems (from reading people's thread and from the people I know) to not have the kind of fixed structure that I like. I've never had anything, specifically, against poly...I've just always felt it wasn't for me.

Enter this whole confusion where I'm still head-over-heels with a wonderful man with whom I've build a life (DH), and have these impossible-to-supress romantic-y feelings for my closest friend (CG). If she wasn't openly bi- and poly, I'd never have told her. If DH had said it wasn't something he could deal with, I'd never have told her. But, she is and he was, and now she and I are in that dunno-if-this-is-going-anywhere, lopsided-unrequited (maybe?) crush place that makes me want to yell and throw things a little bit, because I don't have information and I do better with more of that then less.

Whatever. I've managed to dredge up all of the guilt and shame that I was raised with, and it's dogging me a bit. I thought I had put it to bed permanently as DH and I started exploring the kink world a decade ago, but it's rearing like it never has before. I'm having nightmares where I'm getting reprimanded for breaking my marriage vows and where DH is yelling at me because I've already done the hold-hands/kiss-a-few-times thing with CG and he thinks it is unfair that he doesn't get to do that, too (In real life. he's contentedly not looking to date anyone, ever, especially as I have no real idea how I'd handle that or if I could be okay with it). With CG, I couldn't give less of a hell who she dates or sleeps with...with DH I still feel like I'd have a lot to work through before it was something I could even think about being okay with...if that ever even came up.

Part of me wants to apologize for all the shit I've brought up, ask them both to blame it on a new medication (there isn't one, and they both know that, but whatever) and see if we can try to go back to the really nice (if fraught, only on my end, with some "wanting" of her) orderly friendship that we had before. I know that isn't possible, though, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I feel I can't call myself monogamous, not really, but have this uncomfortable reaction to the poly label...is there some sort of other wording that people use?
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #2  
Old 12-26-2012, 08:27 PM
ahpook33 ahpook33 is offline
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You do sound like you are poly to me, because you are open to the idea of a romantic relationship with your friend, and not keeping secrets about it from your (husband? Boyfriend?). You're poly, but you're extremely choosy as well.

Poly has never meant slutty, but of course occasionally some people are. I don't think it is "poly" that makes you uncomfortable. Probably some negative connotations that got mistakenly attached to the word somewhere along the way. Any idea what those connotations might be?
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  #3  
Old 12-26-2012, 09:22 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ahpook33 View Post
You do sound like you are poly to me, because you are open to the idea of a romantic relationship with your friend, and not keeping secrets about it from your (husband? Boyfriend?). You're poly, but you're extremely choosy as well.

Poly has never meant slutty, but of course occasionally some people are. I don't think it is "poly" that makes you uncomfortable. Probably some negative connotations that got mistakenly attached to the word somewhere along the way. Any idea what those connotations might be?

Husband. And yeah, I'm really choosy when it comes to both friends and...whatever this all is. I dated on guy before I married DH, and this is the first "other" to come up since then.

I don't think it is necessarily negative connotations with poly that make me not feel like it suits. I think that the open-door, "autonomy is the greater good" type of outlooks don't really fit me. However, that doesn't mean they are negative. It also isn't that I think poly means slutty...I surely wouldn't describe CG or her BF that way. Okay, maybe her BF, but only to his face and in jest. It's just that sex is SO important to me, wrapped up in layers of love and promise and vulnerability and spirituality and connection...that it isn't something I've ever done with someone other than DH. Ever. The fact that I'm even considering something even semi-sexual with CG is a huge thing, and I can't see "casual dating" as a part of that for me (or him)...so the local poly-dating-snugglefest-makeout sessions that occur around here don't really fit either, you know?
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #4  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Breathe, breathe. You don't have to know all the answers this minute. Some things take some time to manifest or to unfold.

Sounds like you could have a low poly-saturation point (just want those 2 people) and you want it to come in a serious romance shape. Maybe even a Closed / polyfidelitous / committed shape. That's totally fine. You guys have yours be however it is you want it to be for you.

It's normal to feel discombobulated. There's no map here. No template. No guide. You and your people are figuring it all out on the DIY and until you find "the new normal" it is natural to feel a bit "unreal" about it all.

Go slow, take it easy. Nobody ever died from going slow. As long as all are mostly content here, you are all going to be ok.
Quote:
Part of me wants to apologize for all the shit I've brought up, ask them both to blame it on a new medication (there isn't one, and they both know that, but whatever) and see if we can try to go back to the really nice (if fraught, only on my end, with some "wanting" of her) orderly friendship that we had before. I know that isn't possible, though, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to do.
Why is it not possible to return to friendship and not pursue the romance with CG? If that is what you prefer?

Quote:
I feel I can't call myself monogamous, not really, but have this uncomfortable reaction to the poly label...is there some sort of other wording that people use?
Who needs to know the label? Does it matter? Can you just make up a word for yourself?

Quote:
she and I are in that dunno-if-this-is-going-anywhere, lopsided-unrequited (maybe?) crush place that makes me want to yell and throw things a little bit, because I don't have information and I do better with more of that then less.
What's all this anxiety stemming from? What is it you need to hear from either her or him or BOTH to be able to calm down? What reassure?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-26-2012 at 10:52 PM.
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  #5  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Have you heard the word polyfidelitious?

I will bow to Gala girl for advice on managing your emotions (as I regularly go to her blog for advice on managing my own).

But, I thought it might be of benefit to you to know-that there are many people who are poly (they love more than one) but closed.

I prefer a closed dynamic myself. I find the "what if" to be overwhelming at times even in a closed dynamic. LOL!

So-don't beat yourself up for not being poly in SOMEONE's way.

You love two-ok. That's good.
You don't want all of the autonomous freedom that some people practice. Ok, that's good too.

It's like kink:
some people have marriages that are kinky.
Some prefer their marriage to stay vanilla.

Nothing wrong with either.

If you want a more poly-fi, closed dynamic. That's ok.
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  #6  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:37 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Have you heard the word polyfidelitious?
Yes. Can that be used if it really is mono-DH and I, and I and those two, and her and her various other people? I've previously understood poly-fi to be more closed-off than that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I prefer a closed dynamic myself. I find the "what if" to be overwhelming at times even in a closed dynamic. LOL!

So-don't beat yourself up for not being poly in SOMEONE's way.

You love two-ok. That's good.
You don't want all of the autonomous freedom that some people practice. Ok, that's good too.

If you want a more poly-fi, closed dynamic. That's ok.
That's good to know. Thanks.
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #7  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:34 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Default Frustrating

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Breathe, breathe. You don't have to know all the answers this minute. Some things take some time to manifest or to unfold.
Yeah. I am breathing. This is just a lot new and a little discombobulating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It's normal to feel discombobulated. There's no map here. No template. No guide. You and your people are figuring it all out on the DIY and until you find "the new normal" it is natural to feel a bit "unreal" about it all.
Not having rules or structure is hard for me, in any situation. I like maps and templates and guides, and do not like re-inventing the wheel. Seems I have no choice in that, but until we figure out our own rules and map, I suppose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Why is it not possible to return to friendship and not pursue the romance with CG? If that is what you prefer?
l
Because I think I'm more scared than not wanting to pursue it. I didn't want to be open to this, but I can't deny that I want it (whatever it eventually becomes). Pretending it isn't in my head seems like a lie, and DH is all kinds of encouraging. I just don't know what she wants, because she hasn't started figuring that out yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Who needs to know the label? Does it matter? Can you just make up a word for yourself?
I need a word or label, because my mono-ID seems to have fallen apart-ish, and I don't feel like "poly" fits, really. I know many poly words, "compersion" for one, are made up, but I feel silly doing that. I had "monogamish" suggested, and it seems flip.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What's all this anxiety stemming from? What is it you need to hear from either her or him or BOTH to be able to calm down? What reassure?
I need to hear from her, and I need to get over my Baptist-induced guilt/shame over the thing, and worries that DH will become upset, even though he isn't now. She's thinking about it, and what we have is nice, and I'd be fine if it stayed at holding-hands and occasional kisses, but it's still very middle-school awkward for me.

Nights like yesterday, or the time DH and I and she and her BF went to our family birthday party for my son, are reassuring.
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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