What to Do When You Hate Your Metamour?

[CageyCate]

Hey all. I'm new to this board but not new to polyamory. My husband's been poly for 4-5 years. Me for about two.

Here's my dilemna: I hate the ex-lover of my husband and he wants to start up with her again after a three-year hiatus.

My question: If I hate her (and I mean the type of hate reserved for child molestors and serial killers), can this possibly work? If so, how can I or we make it work? And I just can't make it work, it is okay to say, I'm truly sorry hon, but I just can't do it?

The back story: We are college sweethearts. Married more than 20 years. One teenager together. Very much in love and each seeing a secondary and we all get along. His gf is single. My bf is married.

Before we were poly, about five years ago, husband and his ex-lover had an affair, I found out. I was devastated. They stopped (or so they told me; I later found out this was not true) and then about 8 months later he asked for an open relationship and asked to see her. I was not thrilled but consented. I was not poly and was not interested in seeing anyone but loved my husband and realized this was important to him and agreed to try it and see with certain rules. Plus, I did not like her for personal reasons and because she lied to me and tried to break up my marriage (yes, she admitted that she wanted him to leave me. Her husband found out about the affair and kicked her out).

So, they dated for a year. She pushed the boundaries at every turn, always wanting more and hoping he would leave me but pretending otherwise. He was clear about the rules and that if she could not get along with me, that was a deal breaker. Eventually it ended in major drama on her part and accusing me of all manner of Machiavellilan machinations. Only some of which were true ;)

However, he really liked spending time with her. And even though they broke up more than two years ago, she pestered him for over a year to get back together and he still misses her.

Which brings us to today. My husband has a healthy relationship with a great gal. No drama, but also higher maintenance. He would rather spend time with ex-lover, or at least add her into the mix. However, I simply can't stand the thought of her in our lives again. My blood pressure actually rises and I see red. I sincerely wish her ill. The year they dated was the hardest of my life.

I try to play this out in my head. What if I have no contact with her? If we are just honest and say we don't like each other and we won't interact? Would that work? How do I get around the feeling of contempt for my husband's interest in someone universally looked down upon my our social circle and whom I do not trust and who causes me such anxiety because she is such a disruptive force?

So, I guess what I am asking is, do I have to suck it up because it's not my gf, it's his? Or do I exercise veto power -- which I don't like to do obviously because I want my husband to be happy -- and say, honey, I truly wish the thought of her in your life did not make my blood boil, but it does.

Thanks for any insights.

CC

[rory]

The previous drama sounds awful, and I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable with the prospect of them dating again.

Originally Posted by CageyCate

I try to play this out in my head. What if I have no contact with her? If we are just honest and say we don't like each other and we won't interact? Would that work?

This would be the first thing for me. I would honestly express how I feel about her, and about them dating. I would want him to know, and also to hear what he has to say. If he wanted to do it, I would not try to stop him (because I just don't see it as my place). However, it would cause two things.

Firstly, I would make so strong personal boundaries around it. That is, exactly the kind of things you describe. E.g. I don't like her, will not pretend to like her, and will not be sucked into her drama and, thus, will not socialise with her. There is no requirement to be friends with metamours, or to like everybody your partner likes. If he tries to pressure you into having contact with her, I would take that as a huge red flag of him not respecting your feelings&boundaries.

Secondly, it would make me evaluate my relationship with him. There is no getting around that, difficult questions would arise. He knows what she is like. He knows she would rather have him for herself, he knows she does not respect you or your relationship with him, he knows dating her will likely lead to drama. Yet, he wants to date her. What does that tell about him? Is it lack of consideration? Lack of respect? Prioritising his feelings of love/lust/addiction over stability of his current relationships? I would think about these things in the context of his previous actions (such as having the affair), and consider what that tells me about my partner and his trustworthiness. Thus, even bigger issue than the potential drama-ridden relationship would be my partner wanting to have such a relationship.

[DarayTala]

Me and my partners don't have veto power per say. We have it I suppose, but only under certain limitations. Those are, if some one deliberately tries to end one of our relationships in favor of theirs they are gone, and if someone is physically abusive they are gone. I don't know your boundaries, his, or what your veto power means, if anything in this case. I would say though, this person tried to disrupt your relationship in the past, so why should they get another chance? It doesn't seem like they want to be poly with your partner, it seems they want to be with your partner under whatever circumstances they can, and that can lead to the same drama as before. If I'm wrong, disregard all of this. But if this were me, I would say "this person did xyz before and because of that I'm not willing to get involved again, I see it as a danger to our relationship. I can't control you, but these are my wants and needs and I would hope you respect them" and see what happens. I wish you the best of luck, and hope either I am wrong and it ends well, or you avoid a toxic situation all together.

[Moose17]

But you really need to explain to him why you see her as a threat, and come to him honestly. That may even mean fessing up to your own Machiavellian Machinations of days past so you can tell all about hers and give him the whole picture.

[sparklepop]

I think that Moose has a good point.

Women are absolute Mistresses of manipulation. I should know - I'm a woman and I only date women. ~laughs~

I have been in the position of having my girlfriend absolutely hate my secondary - so I can relate to your problem. It's incredibly tricky. She was the only other woman I had fallen in love with. I did not want to let her go. But, in the end, I had to choose between them.

You husband's ex certainly doesn't sound like someone I would want in my orbit. I'm taking your words on face value... I believe what you are saying, but know that there can be two sides to every story. However, I abhor cheating and whilst I understand *why* it happens, I also understand the colossal destruction it causes.

You have a number of options here. I'm assuming your husband already knows your feelings and that you've talked to him openly and honestly. If not, obviously, you'll want to be doing that

Option 1 - The Veto
To be honest, I don't think there's any such thing. Veto means "you cannot do this" - obviously, in poly, we cannot tell our partners what they can and cannot do. Essentially, what a veto really means is "I cannot be in a relationship with you, if you are in a relationship with her." Basically, you're giving him a choice. If you decide that this really is how you feel, I would put it across that way. This is what my girlfriend said to me and I made the decision to end it with my secondary. It took me a very, very long time to get over that and a long time to let go of the resentment - but, it was probably for the best and I do believe that now. Hopefully, if your husband decided to call it quits on the subject of her, he would also see that eventually too.

Option 2 - Change Your Approach
Sometimes, when there is no room to maneuver within a current relationship makeup, a change of perspective is needed. For example, in my poly relationship, it used to be important that everything fits and everyone gets along well enough. After a few situations, including a current situation of my GF dating someone I severely dislike, I realised that it doesn't really matter what I think. I could either leave, which I didn't want to do; or stay, but under a new frame of mind. I have adopted a more autonomous approach to poly and have distanced myself from my GF's relationships and from hearing about them. Basically... if she's going to say to me "if you want to be with me, you have to accept him", I have countered it with "if you want me to stay and accept him, you'll have to compromise and accept my dislike of him, accept that I do not want to hear about him and accept that I do not want to see him". This way, both people are compromising.

For me, this works best because I believe in promoting my partner's freedom and letting her make her own mistakes. If I 'vetoed', or gave an ultimatum, I'd either lose her, or end up in a relationship where she resents it for years. By letting go of the purse strings and basically telling her to go and do what she wants, I am able to let her play it out for herself. If and when it fades out, at least she'll have gotten it out of her system.... if and when it does, at least she will be feeling grateful for having had the chance to explore that. It could work this way for your husband. He's clinging onto what they did have, because he has unfinished business with her. I have a strange feeling that if he did start a relationship with her, it would not last forever....

Option 3 - Compromise and Compromise Again
You could go with the controlling approach. You could give the green light on their relationship, but under strict rules and guidelines. I do not think that this is productive. I think *some* general guidelines are good; but they have to be realistic. If there are more than about 8-10, I'd be worried. If they forbid emotions, or are stringent, I'd be worried. This approach is going to be the trickiest - it's going to take time and hard work. It's going to be incredibly strenuous for you. At least, that's the way I see it. I think it's possible that it could work - but I don't think it's the easiest path.

Incidentally, I DO think that this is one of those rare cases where it IS ok to say "sorry hon, I cannot manage this"... and let him make his decision on what he wants to do. This may just be my perception of your typing, but I am sensing a lot of blame towards her and a slightly softer approach towards your husband... because, to be honest, you love him, you've communicated with him, you've worked together. You haven't been able to do that with her.

My inclination, if I were in your shoes, would be to have a trial period of him dating her. Three months. You will not know how you feel until it happens. At the end of the three months, review it. He'll have spent some more time with her, which might be good for him. I still hang onto the ex I broke up with for my girlfriend. I still think about her. But... each time I see her for a catch-up, I drift further and further away from those 'in love' emotions .... because, out of the situation, I can see her flaws more clearly. It's possible that this could happen for your husband. One thing is for sure.... if he truly feels that he has to have her, that this is very important, he'll probably never get over her if you force his hand....

If it were me and he agreed to this three month trial, I would want a letter, or some form of communication from her. It's one thing for metamours not to get along - clashes happen. It's another thing to be expected to like the woman who caused you such pain. She basically has some grovelling to do and regardless of your behaviour, needs to show you an ounce of respect and compassion if there is any chance of you being able to cope with a relationship between them.

[rory]

Originally Posted by sparklepop

Option 1 - The Veto
To be honest, I don't think there's any such thing. Veto means "you cannot do this" - obviously, in poly, we cannot tell our partners what they can and cannot do. Essentially, what a veto really means is "I cannot be in a relationship with you, if you are in a relationship with her." Basically, you're giving him a choice. If you decide that this really is how you feel, I would put it across that way. This is what my girlfriend said to me and I made the decision to end it with my secondary. It took me a very, very long time to get over that and a long time to let go of the resentment - but, it was probably for the best and I do believe that now. Hopefully, if your husband decided to call it quits on the subject of her, he would also see that eventually too.

I think this is more like an ultimatum. Veto is an agreement-enforced "you cannot be with him/her". Some people do have those kinds of agreements, though what you say also applies: the partner could still decide not to comply with the veto (because you really can't force anybody do anything). To the end result, I'd like to add that the other option is also possible. While he could come to see that it was for the best to give up, he could also come to see that it was a mistake to make a choice in an ultimatum situation, or to choose the person making the ultimatum.

Originally Posted by sparklepop

Women are absolute Mistresses of manipulation. I should know - I'm a woman and I only date women. ~laughs~

This is OT, but just wanted to say that, even as a joke, this kind of sexism makes me pretty darn uncomfortable.