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Old 12-21-2012, 06:38 PM
blackpixiedust blackpixiedust is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Exclamation Wife is Jealous of Me, But I Still Want A Triad

I am new here, and am not sure if I am sending this to the right place, but I'll just go anyway.

So, I'm a 21yo female that met a married couple (man and wife) on OkC about two weeks ago who were looking for a triad with another woman. We all chatted for a good week before we met in person and really clicked with each other. The wife and I are bi and pansexual (in the extent that we value deep connections over sex and looks).

When we met, we pretty much hit it off. I met the wife first and we bonded, and then I met the husband and we bonded and we all got together and spent two whole days together. We did become intimate with each other.

We were supposed to go out on a date yesterday, but at the last minute, the wife texted me saying that she was really jealous and insecure about how much her husband liked me and that they couldn't see me anymore.

I was crushed and hurt because from they were telling me about how the last time they tried this, the husband and the girl didn't click, which caused problems, now she is upset because we clicked too much?

But I really like these people and feel like she gave up on this too soon. I've reserached triads and stuff (this is my FIRST TIME btw) and jealousy and insecurity, esp with two females (and one is the wife) is pretty common.

I know for a fact that I do not want to take him from her. I do not like him over her (although I've never been with a woman, so I don't know how to act around her, I'm new to this, but I like her just as much as I like him), I have no desire for marriage or kids (she is a mom to his kids and her son, they have no kids together). I would say I don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future. Pretty much, I respect her role as wife in this relationship, and I ONLY want to be there for both of them as an addition, NOT to replace her or her role.

Now, my problem is: what do I do? Do I text her back? I feel like if we talked about this, it would work out. I know she likes me a lot, and I like her too. BUT that is her husband, so I don't want to intrude with my feelings. It's been almost two days now and also I know they are really busy for Christmas and they have issues going on in their lives that I am not apart of. So, should I barge in with my feelings or just wait for a week or two when I know she is more calm and less stressed-out?

Am I wrong for feeling rejected? I feel so bad that she just let me go like this without ALL of us discussing it first...or at least her saying it to my face and explaining to me EXACTLY what she is insecure/jealous about.
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Old 12-22-2012, 04:47 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,857

Just based on what you have posted, if I were in your position my response to HER would likely be:

"I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. Perhaps could you and I could meet up and talk after the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over. I'm free Jan 4/5/6 for coffee or drinks."

Since she was the one who contacted you, and she is the one with the reservations then I would focus on seeing if that is reconcilable first off.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 12-22-2012, 05:19 AM
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AphroditeGoneAwry AphroditeGoneAwry is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: American Northwest
Posts: 92

Just move on, with a nice goodbye, and an offer to contact you if things change significantly. Some people just are not hardwired for poly. Meaning they don't really want it badly enough to deal with the difficult emotions it brings.
in luce vive, vive in amore
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Old 12-22-2012, 06:12 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I don't think they treated you very nicely. They got to have sex with you and dumped you. Forget them and move on. Why beat a dead horse? Consider it their loss, not yours.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:17 PM
Rjsolo Rjsolo is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5

I'm with Nyc. They knew you were looking for more than sex, and this sounds an awful lot like a couple searching for just some threesomes and then on the run. Maybe I'm wrong though.

If you'd really like to keep trying, as others have said, you'll have to go through the wife. I'd try talking to her. One thing I noticed.
I would say I don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future
Women, I have noticed, have an incredible sixth sense for detecting when someone is just looking to be there "for them" and when someone is looking to be "with them". I don't want to word it as "submissive", because that gives the connotation it's sexual ect--but if she's very territorial, she might be thinking this relationship was going to work with her as the "boss". When you expressed you wanted more, possibly becoming equal, she might have freaked a bit.

Sit down, talk, let her feel you out some more. Be as honest as possible, but what I'd warn you against is being overly "secondary", just to try and please her--if that's not what you want in the long run. You'll only end up hurting yourself. But I have the strongest feeling that is what she wants.
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Old 12-22-2012, 08:29 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Unfortunately, I agree with moving on. Sorry. It is the right thing to do when somebody ends it with you. Also, even if you could persuade her to give it another go, do you really want a relationship with somebody who will bail anytime she feels bad and where you need to beg for her to take you back?
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jealous, jealousy, triad, triad fallout, triad trinogamy poly bi

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