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  #1  
Old 12-19-2012, 03:20 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Default Greetings from TN

Hello, all. I am a newbie to this lifestyle, although I have lurked in these forums for years. Here's my history.

My wife and I married 15 years ago. A few years after our marriage we started playing around with a couple that my wife had been friends with since High School. She had actually had a few sexual encounters with the husband during high school/college. We all hit it off really well, and eventually we starting separate room swapping. We would do a lot of FMF threesomes. Occassionally we would do same room play. We did this for about 3 years. Then our kids were born and we stopped this play.

A few years after our kids were born my wife had an affair. This hit me really hard, because it was so out of the blue. I confronted her about it and she lied and covered up as much as she could until I had definitive evidence. Then she was very remorseful and agreed to marriage counselling. We did this for about a year and gradually got over this and life resumed.

About a year ago we both decided we missed the kind of play we did with that first couple, and we joined a swinging website and started exploring the swinging lifestyle. We had some great times with a few couples. Eventually my wife mentioned that she missed a lot of the separate room play we used to do, but that is not very prevalent in the swinging community, so we decided to open our marriage. She has since had at least four FWB's, and I have had one (it's much more difficult for guys to find FWB's than girls).

A few months ago she mentioned that one of her FWB's she started developing feeling for, and vice versa. He is separated, about to finanalize his divorce. I have thought about polyamory for a long time. I could see myself loving another woman, if I found the right woman.

Right now I'm dealing with wife's NRE, which includes seeing him a couple times a week and almost non-stop texting. I'm trying to be mature about it, but this is all new to me. I'd like to think she'd deal with it well when I meet a lady I feel the same about. I haven't met the guy yet, and she's been hesitant to introduce me to him, saying she's got to find the right social environment, and that just the three of us having dinner or something would be too awkward. I don't think it would, necesarilly, but sh'es agreed to invite him to a party we're hosting in a few months.

Any advice from any of you veterans? I'm not entirely sure the best way to proceed with this lifestyle. Have I made any mistakes? Anything to look out for?
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  #2  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:55 PM
paradigm paradigm is offline
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Personally, I like to be friends with everyone. Not that hard. You don't have to try to be bestest buds, and that's kind of odd if you don't know someone well. My advice, clarity, respect, and icommunication.

I don't truck with not knowing people, there's no excuse unless someone's just not ready to be an adult that can reason and work together. That actually weeds out a lot of potential disasters. Cooperation not competition.
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Old 12-22-2012, 06:23 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi learninginTN,
Welcome to our forum.

I agree with you that it's important for you to get a chance to meet your wife's new boyfriend. I am glad she has agreed to a time and place where it will happen. Hopefully you and this other guy can get together (presumably on a platonic level) more often after that initial meet-up at the party.

I think it will take some time to establish the kind of poly life you really want, so exercise patience. Communicate a lot (and practice getting better at communicating).

Ask your wife for extra time with just you and her if you need it. Often when people get caught up into NRE, they don't even notice how it's affecting their pre-existing partner.

Read many threads here, and post many thoughts and questions as they come to you. At the moment, you seem to be proceeding in a pretty sound way.

Glad you're aboard,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-02-2013, 04:07 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Well, now things have taken an ugly turn, and I really need some good advice from the veterans. After we got back from our cruise, my wife immediately asked to spend two straight nights with guy, which I reluctantly agreed to because she had been with me for seven straight days. My attempts to have sex with her have been rebuffed, with her telling me she doesn't "feel it" with me right now. I told her it's not right to have sex with a guy she's known for a few months and not her husband of fifteen years. She says we need to work on some things, and I suggest marital counselling, to which she reluctantly agrees. Then I suggest we stop this polyamory and open-marriage stuff until we get our own problems resolved, which I undertand is almost a necessity in this type of things, and she refuses to stop.

Now she had decided to start sleeping in our guest room, because she doesn't want to "send me the wrong signals".

How to best proceed? I want to salvage our marriage, not just for my sake but for the sake of our two young daughters.
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Old 01-02-2013, 05:25 PM
paradigm paradigm is offline
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You need a poly friendly counselor stat, brother. Because right now you threatened her inadvertantly by wanting to stop the poly (aka end her other relationship). I know your intentions are good, but her opinion of what you suggest will be colored. Don't let it offend you. If you really want to save it, compromise....you'll agree not to shut her down if she agrees to see q counselor with you and work on realizing that her feelings are not competative....you don't have to be in the doghouse because she likes this guy and is having sex with him. But, if there's something wrong, she can't just ignore you and hope it goes away by running off to the NRE fantasy land. You're adult, you have to be able to do both, and its not easy.

Go to a counselor, talk. Make sure she knows you are worried about you two....its got nothing to do with guy. But it does hurt when it feels like she's not addressing her responsibility to your relationship

Talk
Counselor
Compromise
Appologize (she may feel threatened by needing a counselor)
I hope she decides to work as hard as you seem to be. That's what it takes sometimes.

Good luck brother.
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:23 PM
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The thoughts/advice paradigm imparted are good; pay heed to them. There is merit in the idea of putting the poly relationships on hold in order to work on the original relationship, but, it's also hard to put any (even a poly) relationship into reverse; it's much easier to keep it moving forward. So, sympathize somewhat with your wife and shoot for a compromise. Maybe she could just slow things down while you and she work on your relationship.

It's really rough to have your sex life put on hold, especially if it's not on hold with the other guy. How long has this been going on, that your advances have been rebuffed? It sounds to me like she has some kind of deep-seated issue or resentment that is blocking her feelings toward you. A good poly-friendly counselor is definitely needed. It's good that she agreed to that, even if it was with reluctance.

You should sit down with her and share your feelings, such as how you feel about not being able to sleep with her, and again, try to work out a compromise. Remember, when you talk to her, you must be careful not to infer any guilt or accusations, lest she tighten up like a defensive fist. There is something going on with her that hasn't been spoken yet. We're just seeing the symptoms.

Sorry you are going through with this. Sometimes poly takes the lid off of problems that would have otherwise remained forever hidden. There is a chance you and she can grow closer, if you approach the problem carefully.

Please keep us updated on how things are going.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-23-2013, 11:45 AM
MaryvilleEllis MaryvilleEllis is offline
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Hi I'm In Knoxville. I like your post & it speaks volumes about someone trying to maneuver their way thru this out of the "norm" off the beaten path lifestyle. Are you 2 anywhere near Knoxville? Let's all be friends.
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Old 02-25-2013, 04:11 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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More pushing my boundaries. This weekend my wife and her guy went to a conference that he wanted to attend. Conference was to end Sunday at noon. I asked her to be home by 3:00pm (location is about 2.5 hours from home) so she could spend some quality time with me and the girls the remainder of Sunday. W asked if she could have lunch with guy, and come home a little later. I begrudgingly granted her this, thinking this might push back her time to 4 or 4:30. I promise the girls Mommy will be home after they get up from their nap and we'll all go have dinner.

I get a text from her around 3:00 saying her guy is having car problems (they drove separately, and may have to have his car towed). They haven't eaten yet, so they are going to eat after getting the car situation handled. She finally gets home at about 7:30. So apparently the car issue set them back 3 hours. Meanwhile, I've had the girls all day, including dealing with one who is sick and throwing up. So she gets about and hour with the girls until they have to go to sleep. I'm so mad I can't even talk to her. I'm starving, having held off eating until she got home. I just leave the house and go out and get something to eat by myself.
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Old 02-25-2013, 06:55 PM
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Quote:
"W asked if she could have lunch with guy, and come home a little later. I begrudgingly granted her this, thinking this might push back her time to 4 or 4:30."
Not sure if it would have helped in this situation, but as a general rule get all the details out in the open so that you know you're on the same page. If she says "a little later," you say, "So, then I can expect you home at 4 or 4:30, is that right?" At least get a firm commitment from her.

When she called about the car problems, I would recommend asking her straight out: "When, then, can I expect you to be home?" It isn't fair for you to just have to sit waiting (babysitting the kids), not knowing when to expect her.

Now, as for what really happened, we can't say. Were there really car problems? Was it just an alibi? Could it have really taken 3 hours to fix? Well, the answer is, maybe, or maybe not.

At some point you could ask her why it took 3 hours. At that point, you'd have to decide whether to trust whatever answer she gave.

It's understandable that you were upset. Your day did not go well. It's also fair enough (IMO) that you went out to eat alone. Doing so may have staved off a loud argument.

Eventually, you may want to talk to her, about how the day went from your point of view. You kept on having to make bigger and bigger concessions. Now, maybe her day went badly too, but she'll have to speak for herself about that.

This will probably continue for some time, this series of jagged ups and downs. There will be some days when she treats you right. Other days, she will neglect you. She is still letting the NRE cloud her judgment, and I suspect she is (perhaps subconsciously) rebelling against an array of regrets. You are getting caught in the whirlwind of her rebellion. It will take a lot of patience to get through this.

Make sure you explain to your counsellor that you are very frustrated with the situation right now. Make new decisions about your boundaries if you need to.
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Old 02-25-2013, 08:29 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'd say it might go beyond pushing. Did the weekend include Friday night?

So she has a meltdown for having to spend 2.5 hrs with her kids and has no problem dragging "her weekend fun time" out to the last possible second. How many hrs was she gone total ?


Show of hands on anyone believing the car trouble story...
Wow if thats true the universe isnt trying to help her out on being poly...or her handling being poly.


They didnt look at a clock until it was an oh fuck moment....crap I'm suppose to be home right now....

Jagged ups and downs ???? where are the ups ??? I see no ups. She wants to have the new guy as a primary ( meaning replacement ) she has buyer remorse on the kids ...doesnt want to spend anytime with them .... (meaning return or disposal...time burden) ...stopped having sex with TN, etc ,etc ....Wheres the UP's


Id seriously and quietly start thinking about saving yourself and the kids. Start drawing up survival plans. If she comes around great if not you wont get caught flat footed.

Last edited by dingedheart; 02-25-2013 at 10:30 PM.
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