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Old 12-19-2012, 11:45 AM
nzleagle nzleagle is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Question Possible poly relationship?

Well where do I start,

I've been with my wife for 6 years and married for nearly 3, we've had our ups and downs as all relationships do.

About 18 months ago, we had a three sum with my best mate, which got me thinking about possibly bringing someone else in on NSA basis.

We currently have an open marriage where we can sleep with other people strictly on a NSA basis due to living in different country's knowing that we are both human, and rather than something happening, and destroying the relationship, just be up front an honest about it, and as long as it just remains as a NSA relationship, and when were back together it ends.

Now tonight she was supposed to have her ex over, now I've always been wary of ex's as there was once an emotional attachment, so could easily begin another, but as I trust her ( open relationship won't work without trust), and the idea of her with another guy turns me on.... I just said have fun.

Now during the day she was saying that the three of us should have a threesome sometime, and when he couldn't come around after all due to family issues, the talk turned to her wanting to live with two guys, been in a relationship with both of them.

The idea had crossed my mind in the past, but not knowing she was actually keen for it, I never said anything.

At first I said if you want to do that, then we find someone new, someone we are both attracted to, and we can both have a relationship with together and alone.

She came back with there is only one person she would want to have a relationship like that with, and that is her ex.

Well I haven't meet this ex as of yet, but she keeps on saying we are very similar and will prob get on really well. So I've said ill be willing to give it a go, and when we are back together next year, organise the 3 of us to go on a date, and see what happens from there.

I've also said that it'll need to be a all for all relationship, so there is no centre person. So no mater which of the trio we are with, we are together, eg, if my wife goes away for a weekend, and its just me and the other guy at home, things wouldn't be any different than if me and him were in a monogamous gay relationship.

The biggest question I have is how does these sorts of relationships affect children. And at what point In the relationship do you go public?

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Old 12-19-2012, 01:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,268

So she wants to be in a "V" configuration and you want to be in a "triad." You will have to ask him what he wants to be in, if he even wants to be in polyship at all with you.

The biggest question I have is how does these sorts of relationships affect children.
IME, the kids themselves don't seem to care. They are very accepting. Where they get affected is how OTHER people react (ex: grandparents) or in time management if there's too much shooshing them around and not enough family time.

And that's me watching friends and their kids. For myself, I skip that whole bit in favor of Closing and parenting with DH without any poly relationships happening.

And at what point In the relationship do you go public?
That's up to you and the other polyship people. Each has a different comfort level.

Perhaps resources would help you:


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Old 12-19-2012, 07:05 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

First and foremost, everyone has to be on the same page. Is he even fully committed to being in a relationship with her again? Secondly, find out what he wants from you, her, and you guys as a couple. Either by talking directly to him or conveying it through her. I was the hinge in a V before I knew what it was called. My girlfriend had no interest in a relationship with my DH, and it worked for a decade and some change. Now, it's a triad.

As far as children, ours are 4 and 7 months. I gave birth to them, but they view our girlfriend as a second mother. The 4 year old even calls her mum. Our children are young, but I haven't noticed any negative effects. Personally, our children have an overabundance of love from three parents. There's never an issue of mummy and daddy are working so they'll miss my ballet recital. At least one of us is always present. I'm sure some of the other members have older children and can tell you more about their experiences.

Electing to keep it quiet or telling people is a personal choice and depends on comfort. In my case, I decided to tell because I always felt like she shouldn't have to be my dirty little secret. We love her, and she's part of us and our family. I never wanted her to feel left out when my DH and I received wedding invitations or any invites. Instead of +1, it is +2. Do what feels comfortable and makes you feel right. In a triad or more, it's not uncommon for some of the parties parents and family members to not know. They might think he/she is just a best friend. If you know your friends and family, think about who you can trust if you can keep it a secret.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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Old 12-20-2012, 07:22 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Ugh... getting back with exes.

Why did they break up? Have they dealt with those issues head-on? Or are they just assuming that enough time has passed and those issues will magically have evaporated?

I'm also bothered by her roundabout method of communication. "I'm interested in living in a household with two men" instead of "I would like to consider also living with Mr. Ex."

You both established boundaries (NSA). You had reservations that hooking up with her ex might be more than NSA. You did not voice your reservations because you "trust" her. Trust her to what? Not have feelings for him? I would say that wanting him to move in is pretty much the opposite of NSA...

You can't force a triad. It seems that over time, they often tend to drift towards a vee. You need to be prepared that this might happen.

And last but not least... What in Hell's name are you doing even considering moving in with someone you have never met?!? *shakes head*

Y'all got issues, too many to deal with before this is even remotely open for consideration...
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 12-20-2012 at 07:26 PM.
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