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Old 08-22-2010, 05:05 AM
MaximumENTP MaximumENTP is offline
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Default Greetings and Salutations

I came to a stark and life changing personal revelation a few years ago that has thrush my wife and I into countless discussions, soul searching, tears and joy.

I'd been aware of the concepts of Polyamory for some time, and always thought it an interesting, though academic subject. I'd remembered a conversation I'd had with a friend a while back, who had been married for much longer than I. He'd told me about a difficult situation in his past where his wife had cheated on him, and how it had caused a great deal of pain and anguish.

My knee jerk gut reaction was to ask him why he was still with her. I figured it must be the kids, or the finances, or just stuck in the same house, etc... But what he said made me think. He said that although I may not understand it now, someday I would realize that it's just not that easy to throw away a relationship you'd invested so much time and love into building.

I couldn't imagine withstanding something like that, and in reality probably couldn't deal with that type of betrayal.

That conversation had happened probably 5 or 6 years in the past.

But sitting there that late night, I started to groove into one of my typical self-introspective spells, and pick apart the pieces of what that betrayal would mean. And I arrived at a few fundamental truths:

1. It would be the violation of trust that I would find incapable of moving past, and not necessarily the sex.

2. I suddenly, and without warning, had arrived at the realization that I no longer believed that I could feel threatened by a relationship my wife might have with someone else, as it would pale next to the bond we had built, and there was nothing I believed to be more important to us than our life together.

I do not think I will ever forget that moment, one of such crystal clarity that will forever live in my memory. I felt a great deal of pride at that moment, and an even greater gratitude for the forces that had led me to find this fascinating woman whom had joined with me to form such a union.

Of course that led to so many other logical paths of reasoning and realization that I'd felt my head spinning.

I never doubted that my wife and I had something special. We have always valued, over anything else, our trust for each other, our sometimes tumultuous but ever-present communication, and our understanding that adversity would always lurk around every corner, but that together we could surmount any obstacle.

We have also grown to value each others happiness as extensions of our own. And to this end, I began to think about the excitement, joy and long term happiness that both new-found and long lasting romantic love offer.

In the true tradition of our open and voluminous communication I shared my thoughts with my wife. It would be fair to say that we've been on quite a journey of self-realization and introspection during these last few years.

And it goes without saying, that I've always been content to be monogamous with my fantastic woman, and would continue to live monogamously for the rest of my life with her if I thought, in any way shape or form, that exploring external romantic relationships could damage or destroy our most rare connection.

While I was away on a recent business trip, a fond admirer of my wife let his feelings be known to her, through an interesting string of chance events. And perhaps due to the long and deeply passionate discussions we'd had, she found herself rather unexpectedly enjoying the experience of discovering this side of an old friend, without guilt or remorse suppressing the excitement of the idea of new romance or fostering a fresh infatuation.

Since we had discussed boundaries and comfort zones, she knew well at the time where to stop, pull back, and talk with me further about it. When I returned home, and we did have our discussion, she was very relieved to find a lack of anger or resentment. I was excited to share with her the experience of re-discovering the long dormant rituals and dance of attraction.

Now it was not perfect, and there were conflicted new feelings for both of us, and fresh new conversations about the complexities of whether, and how, to move forward. But I see these as good, and a grand demonstration of our strength and ability to work with each other as soul mates to find solutions to challenges in our life together.

It was another turning point, another page in our book. And although we've only begun to devise a plan and framework of boundaries to protect our core relationship if we are to embark upon the path leading to an expansion of our intimacy to others, it stands as a testament to how we have grown, and a signpost to what wonders lie ahead.

I apologize for the verbose introduction, but the words just kept flowing.

-R
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  #2  
Old 08-22-2010, 08:50 AM
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janeb1958 janeb1958 is offline
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Good for you!!! Communication y'all have is great! The word I'm learning to understand & practice is COMPERSION -- sounds like you have that down with no problems!!! Congrats & welcome!
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Old 08-22-2010, 10:09 PM
MaximumENTP MaximumENTP is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janeb1958 View Post
Good for you!!! Communication y'all have is great! The word I'm learning to understand & practice is COMPERSION -- sounds like you have that down with no problems!!! Congrats & welcome!
Thanks!
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Old 08-22-2010, 11:39 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Wow.

You really sound on par with what poly is, and the ideal way of having it come about. A lot of what you type, sounds similiar to what my husband and I have practiced, and believe is neccessary for a healthy poly outlook.


Welcome to the board.
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:02 AM
MaximumENTP MaximumENTP is offline
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Default Feeling welcome already!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Wow.

You really sound on par with what poly is, and the ideal way of having it come about. A lot of what you type, sounds similiar to what my husband and I have practiced, and believe is neccessary for a healthy poly outlook.


Welcome to the board.
Thanks for your words. I am a research junkie, and usually immerse myself in subjects that peak my interest, and this was no exception. Lots of heavy duty soul searching went into deciding that this would be possible for us, as there aren't really any facets of our lives more sensitive to tinker with.

And I have to admit, even though I prompted the initial discussions on the matter, there have been both positive and negative thoughts racing through my brain.

In the end, however, I truly believe that this new adventure will ultimately reward both of us with deeper human connections in our lives.
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