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Old 08-18-2010, 06:59 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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Question Balance

I am currently with a wonderful military couple. He got back from Iraq a few months ago and we started dating 1 month ago and she just got back from Iraq a week ago and we are hitting it off pretty well thus far. Our problem seems to be balance right now. How do you create balance in your relationships without one or the other feeling neglected? Not sure if it makes sense I think we are finding that balance, but I thought I would hear from some of you as well regarding the matter.
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Old 08-19-2010, 04:04 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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One of the fundamental exercises in building relationships involves figuring out, exactly, what it is each person needs from a relationship. How much time? How much affection? How much sex? What sort of shared activities? How many shared activities? And so on.

And sort what you need from what you want. Needs are those things absolutely necessary to say one is in a relationship and it's working. Wants are those things that would be really nice to have, though aren't absolutely essential.

Once each person has figured out what they need and want, then you can negotiate how to meet all the needs and as many of the wants as possible.

Remember that achieving balance doesn't necessarily mean that equal amounts of time, attention, or affection are doled out. Balance is achieved when each person gets what they need and enough of what they what for the relationship to be satisfying.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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Old 08-19-2010, 05:18 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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Very insightful! Thank you so much for the help.
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Old 08-19-2010, 07:10 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This is a very new relationship. All will be revealed in time. There is no rush to figure things out. Try stuff out, if it doesn't work, adjust. Take your time with it and get to know them first. In the mean time do lots of reading and thinking. Its important to stay on top of our stuff, this only seems to work if there is time and space.
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:45 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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Thank you Redpepper. I am enjoying this experience and have been doing a lot of reading and thinking. This relationship has been wonderful with them both. She hasn't been with many girls, but she is warming up to me now and he has been absolutely wonderful and makes sure that we both get the attention we need.
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Old 08-24-2010, 03:09 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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Post first poly relationship

My first poly relationship is a triad. I am with a married army couple. It was a V, but when she got back from Iraq, her and I's relationship has really grown. We have all created such a wonderful bond. I don't get alot of alone time with either of them though. I am very much of a hopeless romantic. I love candle lit dinners and baths and massages...I understand they are a married couple, so their relationship has to come first. They have 4 beautiful children as well ( I haven't met yet, because of them just getting back from Iraq). Where do I fit into the picture here? Am I missing something or is this just a communication error? We are all very new to this, they have had other partners, but seperately, this is the first time they have had a gf in common.
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:09 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey brunetteangel,

Well - first & most important, don't rush things. Let the relationship grow and unfold as it will.

Being the new person in it's important to remember that the couple has history, patterns etc they have developed in their time together and integrating you into those patterns etc will take some time. Potentially as much time as it took them to get to the point they are at.

This reality is what causes a ton of problems between new V's and triads (other variations). In the beginning there's a lot of energy and emotion and you hunger for time together. But there's still certain logistics that have to be acknowledged and figured out how to change or work around and despite all the desire and best intentions - it takes time. And focus.

As for having some alone time with each of them - that's also something you have to grow into. Until everyone has a strong level of trust & understanding of each other, requests for 'alone' time can be interpreted the wrong way ! Be careful with that. It's easy for one or the other to either feel left out, or undesired, if it isn't approached carefully. Best when possible to let those opportunities just arise as they will because of circumstances. Once it has happened a few times the comfort level should grow.
It may also be easier to start with the two gals going for some "girl time" - not necessarily sexual. Most guys can grasp that and not feel left out.

In any event, being together as a 3some is important so be happy that model is available to you. You'll find lots of folks that wish they had that and don't and will have to work really hard to ever get there. You're in a good place. Have patience - all will evolve.

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Old 08-24-2010, 05:27 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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thank you so much for the insight GS. This is all very new to all of us involved and this experience I think will grow all of us. I have troubles with patience sometimes, but will continue to work on that. the relationship with us two girls is lacking a bit and some girl time is probably a good idea. she just got back from Iraq, so the relationship with him and I has been able to grow for a month without her presence. I have only known her for 2 weeks now, but we hit it off right away and have a pretty special bond already. Finding or creating the time for one another seperately will most def take time to develop, I just hope we can all find the happy medium that makes everyone happy in the relationships developed....
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Old 08-24-2010, 08:08 PM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
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I'm nosey, sorry. Please feel free to not answer if this is to personal.

Do you live close to your couple?

Have you and her had any alone time together?

Have the three of you had "alone" time together?

I know you and him have been together alone because she was gone for a while........but have you and him since she's been home?

When do they plan on letting you meet the kids?

Are they planning on seeing anyone else?

Are you planning on seeing anyone else or just them?

I've been following your threads and just had to ask you those things because, well, I'm nosey.

You sound like you are walking into this without being scared at all. I did see when she first got back you were a little scared about it, but it's all worked out so well so far!!

I think the big thing is that I know you are soooo excited to be in this relationship, but take your time, just like you would with any other relationship. The newness will rub off and when it does it's a married couple with 4 kids! LOL! There's going to be alot more things to worry about than alone time at that point, you know what I mean?

The newness of a relationship is always so awesome. The butterflies are great. I think the key to happiness is finding people that give you those butterflies every day of your life.

Anyway, I hope everything works out perfect for you. You sound so bubbly and happy you definatley deserve it.
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Old 08-24-2010, 08:24 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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Do you live close to your couple?

they currently live with me, their house closes this week so they will be moving out the beginning of Sept.

Have you and her had any alone time together?

yes, but not much

Have the three of you had "alone" time together?

yes, both seperately (him and I more than her and I) and together.

I know you and him have been together alone because she was gone for a while........but have you and him since she's been home?

Yes, at least once a week when she goes over to her bf house. but I am not feeling like that is enough...is that selfish? They get alot of alone time together and I only get one evening alone with him and very rare with her...she is very busy with her Army friends and bf and such...

When do they plan on letting you meet the kids?

In October when she goes to pick them up in Georgia.

Are they planning on seeing anyone else?

She has a bf already. It doesn't bother me for them to see others.

Are you planning on seeing anyone else or just them?

Right now it has just been them, but I have a few friends with benefits that I see sometimes, but they are more friendships than anything serious...

I think the big thing is that I know you are soooo excited to be in this relationship, but take your time, just like you would with any other relationship. The newness will rub off and when it does it's a married couple with 4 kids! LOL! There's going to be alot more things to worry about than alone time at that point, you know what I mean?

The newness of a relationship is always so awesome. The butterflies are great. I think the key to happiness is finding people that give you those butterflies every day of your life.

Anyway, I hope everything works out perfect for you. You sound so bubbly and happy you definatley deserve it.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for the advice. It is all very new and I am just trying to learn each day how these things work. This is just so fascinating to me, that I try to soak in as much as I can. I absolutely love kids, so I am SUPER excited to meet them all! they have a 11, 9 and twin 5 year olds. I am def welcoming all of this with openness and honesty.
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