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Old 12-11-2012, 03:01 AM
Messieh28 Messieh28 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Exclamation Three men unique situation

Hey, I just joined this forum to seek out some advice. I am a late 20s man who's been in a polyamorous relationship with two men for the last 3 years, they were together for 7 years before I came into the picture. We have no remaining issues around jealousy or trust (it takes a while and a lot of communication to get there). In it's simplest form, here is my problem:

I love both of them very much and feel very strongly about each of them. However, in the last year, I have been feeling physically disconnected from one of my partners. I'm a psych student and the closest thing I've come up with so far is that I am experiencing a type of sexual aversion disorder specific to one partner but not the other. There's a lot more to this problem which I can elaborate on but everyday I am riddled with frustration and anxiety about this because I really love this relationship and both men however, if this can't be resolved I will have no choice but to leave. This is very specific but if there's anyone who has gone through this please help me out

Note: Please do not respond if the message is suggesting that I am just not into one of them as this problem has only emerged recently. Also, I am in lov e with both of them. This post is about saving the relationship, not leaving it

Thanks a lot!
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:15 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Well have you talked specifically with this partner about this issue, is it one sided or does he feel the same and have different feelings about being sexual with you lately?

Has anything new happened in the relationship? Moves, new job, new partners, bad habit of him starting to really get on your nerves? Is something in their sexual interactions affecting you negatively? If you cant identify when it started or what it is, I'd suggest going to a counselor because

"if this can't be resolved I will have no choice but to leave." sounds like a very serious problem is going on. Lots of people have lower desires or disinterest in sex with a partner for (even extended) times but don't jump to the "I must leave" solution when most things in the relationship are good unless every avenue has been explored.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 12-11-2012 at 09:17 AM.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:20 AM
Daysleeper Daysleeper is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 21

With the limited information you have given, it's difficult to offer advice. How is your relationship functioning with the partner you feel disconnected from? I understand that you care for him, but how would you describe spending time with him right now? Do you enjoy talking to him? Are you happy to see him when he comes home? Do you enjoy being affectionate with him if it's not sexual? If these answers are nos, and you don't know why, it may be that you need to put some conscious effort into reconnecting on more than one level.

Sometimes it's ok to have sex with a partner not because you're dying to do it, but because you want to reconnect and get back into the habit of doing so. Take things slowly and relax into it. Focus on how you want to make your partner feel out of your love for them. Don't pressure yourself to feel or create fireworks, just decide that you want to resume your sex life and take steps to do so, even if it's not on the top of the list of things you'd like to do at that moment.
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Old 12-11-2012, 12:50 PM
Messieh28 Messieh28 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5

Thanks for the responses, I agree I should not jump to the conclusion that I need to leave the relationship.

To add more details, I'm doing graduate work in another country. I've been going back and forth for about 2 years now. We use skype to see each other and work everyday. It somedays feels as though we maintain all the elements of a relationship without the sex (all the work non of the play) so when I am finally on leave or on camera I just don't feel sexual.

With the partner I am having the disconnection with I raised this issue with him a year ago and he's been very patient, he's not feeling a disconnect towards me.

When I have difficulty performing with him I just find my mind shifts to concern about whether or not I'll be able to perform, why can't I do so etc...and I just get so anxious I now avoid even talking about sex. Whereas the other partner does not illicit this response.

This is especially challenging because my time overseas is about to end and I will be coming home for good soon and I am extremely happy yet really nervous about what will happen.

Hope this has given more info clearly, thanks everyone
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Old 12-11-2012, 03:45 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239

Well you're right to be concerned because when you're talking triads, the "weakest link" can often set the tone for entire triadic relationship. Been there, done that. Fortunately though it's pretty clear you love both your partners and both love you. So fortunately it's only a sexual link that's got problems, not a love or romance one. Therefore talking about it as something that could ruin the whole thing and make you leave is definitely over the top---so I would relax on that point.

You've talked to him and he's patient. That's a good sign!
At this point what you really need to do is get to the root of this problem. I would highly recommend at this point finding a gay-friendly and poly-friendly sex therapist. It may take a professional knowledge to figure out exactly why this is happening. (And this advice is coming from someone who normally shies away from jumping to therapy as the cure for much....I've never cared for it that much myself.)

Keep the waves of communication open and talk to both your partners about your feelings, wants, etc and be sure to keep your emotional connection strong, even if there are bumps in the road on the physical connection. Hopefully with some work and maybe some professional help, it can be figured out and fixed!

We're rooting for ya!

Just Rob now. That's all. .

In North Carolina? Check out: facebook.com/ncPoly
In Raleigh/Durham? Check out www.meetup.com/TrianglePolyamory
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Old 12-11-2012, 10:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,237

What's this "sexual aversion?" Where is it coming from? Did he hurt your feelings?

Are you burnt out from school and trying to keep this relationship going long distance?

Where did your lust and desire go?

OTOH, men and their "performance..." Unless you're a Top and must wield that tool, can't you use your hands and mouth? Do you 3 get it on all together? Don't you get hard for/with the other partner?

I don't do 3ways much with my 2 partners, but when we do, we are all aroused in a big jumble. (I am a cis gendered female, my gf is a pre-op transwoman and our bf is cis gendered male. They both get hard from all the kissing and touching and so on when we're all getting it on.)

Hopefully things will get better when you're back home and things can flow and be fun and romantic and hot in 3D real time! Maybe you don't need therapy just yet, just to relax and have some fun reconnecting. Camming and trying to show off for the camera can seem artificial perhaps if that's all you've had lately.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, former swinger, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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restore attraction, save relationship, three men

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