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  #1  
Old 06-09-2009, 02:58 AM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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Default What I think I want

I am new to polyamory. I was introduced to it by an ex who was polyamorous about a year ago. I looked into it a little but didn't find any forums for it ( I don't think I looked that hard)- and more or less assumed she'd be good at guiding me and if there was anything I'd need to know she'd tell me. I now know just how many things are wrong with that viewpoint, starting with the word "assumed".

I started looking into it more a few months ago, I think february or march, found that even if I wasn't poly myself I loved the basic ideas- the importance on communication, honesty, etc. They should be valued and taught more for every relationship, monogamous, platonic, business, etc. My partner got awkward about it, and still is, because they don't think they could ever be okay with me being with someone else- and are still paranoid I'll leave them for it, even though I'm still insistent that I won't. And I mean that...

But I recently found polyfamilies.com and it sort of clicked. The way one of the writer's put it, that they wanted a nest, sounds right for me. I don't know if I want multiple people to be in a romantic relationship with, that's actually a bit irrelevant in a "If it happens it happens, if it stays platonic that's fine" way. But I want a family like that.

You know how people want a big family, lots of kids, while some people only want one or two, or don't even want any? I feel like that with the adults. I still only want a maximum of one biological kid of mine, and to adopt any others (if the other people wnat more biological kids, well, they can work that out- one birth is enough for me), but I like the idea of a non-traditional family with more than two parental figures who love and trust each other as a family themselves- whether it's blood relatives, close friends, or a polyamorous family.

And I don't really know where to go from here. I don't know if my partner'd be any more okay with that, or if it's even possible for it to happen. I also know that you can't expect the perfect person/people to fall into your lap just by saying "I want this". But that's what I want.

I'm not sure what the point of posting this is, it might just be to get it out on paper... or html.
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  #2  
Old 06-09-2009, 03:26 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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I hear what you are saying. I feel much the same. I want a more developed and sharing atmosphere with my community, and I realized that I need to first develop a relationship with just one other person and with honesty, trust, and if I can use the word in a positive sense; co-dependence. We depend on each other to lift the union. I realized that I need a larger unit than two people, but had to start with one other before I could move to three. It's only logical.

Poly came in the back door, because; face it: Sex sells.

I have sold myself on it. I was a pushover.

Last edited by alphafour; 06-09-2009 at 03:33 AM.
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  #3  
Old 06-09-2009, 03:46 AM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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Originally Posted by alphafour View Post
I hear what you are saying. I feel much the same. I want a more developed and sharing atmosphere with my community, and I realized that I need to first develop a relationship with just one other person and with honesty, trust, and if I can use the word in a positive sense; co-dependence. We depend on each other to lift the union. I realized that I need a larger unit than two people, but had to start with one other before I could move to three. It's only logical.
It is logical. I'm sure it's possible that 3 people have developed a triad before a dyad was started, but I doubt it's common. Of course, adding another person is generally easier if both people agree to it. :/

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Poly came in the back door, because; face it: Sex sells.
My partner and I are asexual, so sex has never been a good marketing strategy for us, but I od know it sells for the majority.
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Old 06-09-2009, 04:37 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Originally Posted by StarGazer View Post
My partner and I are asexual, so sex has never been a good marketing strategy for us, but I od know it sells for the majority.
I don't want to pry, but when you say "asexual" are you referring to abstinence and celibacy, or mechanized pleasurable entertainment?

I allow for most sexuality. I am judgemental as long as involves consenting adult humans, just curious.

(Of course if ET was involved, then you know might know my lovers)

Last edited by alphafour; 06-09-2009 at 04:39 AM.
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Old 06-09-2009, 04:53 AM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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Originally Posted by alphafour View Post
I don't want to pry, but when you say "asexual" are you referring to abstinence and celibacy, or mechanized pleasurable entertainment?
Er... "mechanized pleasurable entertainment"? What do you mean?

Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It is not celibacy or abstinance- many asexuals choose to be both of those, but there are those asexuals who have sex to please a sexual partner, and even those who enjoy sex. I know a few polyamorous asexuals, as well as those who have a polyamorous partner who has sex with other partners instead of asking the asexual.

Asexuals are capable of being romantic, and wanting to date, fall in love, etc which is why you'll see some who call themselves hetero/homo/bi/pan/etc-asexual, but not all are. This is a good resource if you're curious about it.
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Old 06-09-2009, 05:02 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Originally Posted by StarGazer View Post
Er... "mechanized pleasurable entertainment"? What do you mean?
Love dolls or Bob. I just found out about BOB. It means 'battery operated boyfriend." I knew there were women who used such devices, but didn't know they called them Bob.

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Originally Posted by StarGazer View Post
Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It is not celibacy or abstinance- many asexuals choose to be both of those,

It would seem an easy enough choice with what the link suggests. Thanks.
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  #7  
Old 07-09-2009, 12:10 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Thank you for posting. You summed up nicely alot (if not all) of what I've been feeling. You inspired me to finally come out of the shadows and join the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for.
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:48 PM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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Thank you for posting. You summed up nicely alot (if not all) of what I've been feeling. You inspired me to finally come out of the shadows and join the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I'm glad it helped some. I hope you find what you're looking for as well.

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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
There are two and only two basic reasons for asexuality. Physical problems, (low hormone values /low sex drive) and emotional issues (like incest from childhood or mental illness).
I have neither of those. Physcally I'm healthy, I have a fine sex drive and when I took something to increase my sex drive- it didn't do a damn thing to my orientation. Emotionally I'm also healthy, with no incidents of incest or other traumatic experiences that could have effected my asexuality. I was sexually abused, but I knew I was asexual long before that happened and, again, it didn't effect my orientation.

What are the two basic reasons of heterosexuality? I'm curious to hear what you feel causes other sexual orientations.

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I find it very odd and strange that there could be such things as "asexual poly lovers".....by definition if they are lovers and having sex they're not asexual.
I don't have "lovers". I have partners- people who I'm in a close, romantic relationship with, people who I love and care about a great deal. Some might choose the word lovers for their relationships, but I prefer partner.

Last I checked- polyamory was loving many, not fucking many.

Also- asexual doesn't mean "doesn't have sex". There are a lot of asexuals who have sex to make their sexual partner happy.
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Originally Posted by Pearl S. Buck
The lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born.
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  #9  
Old 07-09-2009, 08:08 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Wha???? If you are physically healthy, why did you take something for your sex drive? You expected it to change your orientation? Wha??? You sound confused inside.

Regarding your asexuality....you knew you were asexual before you were sexually abused???? At what age were you aware???? These are some serious issues at work here. Anyone "grossed out" by the wetness of sex definately has an emotional issue, ala....anal, OCD, whatever. I know a guy who thinks most things having to do with the body and fluids is "nasty". That's his psychological issue. That's his hangup. That's why he only had sex with his wife once a year, that's why he's now divorced.

You seem to misunderstand and misrepresent my position. I don't give a flip about people's orientation. I don't have two reasons for someone being hetero and I don't care. I do care about people and their problems however. There are plenty of them to go around. There are only two reasons for asexuality......physical..... and psychological/emotional. If you don't make love then you don't have "lovers", IMO. Yes, you may "love" someone, but they're not a lover if you don't partake, IMO........you may agree to disagree, but I believe most of the world would be behind me on that one.

And, btw....if you have sex....any kind of sex, even if it's meaningless sex to make your sexual partner happy.......then you're not asexual! You may not enjoy it but you're not asexual.
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Old 07-09-2009, 08:54 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Hmmm. I don't know I agree with there being only two possible reasons. I went through a period of time (about two years) after the first time I had sex where I just had no desire for it. Prior to my first sexual encounter at 16 I was very curious and very into it and felt like it was something I needed to do or a right of passage. After, I just didn't see the big deal. I was still attracted to people and formed relationships and even romantic connections, but sex was just not on my to-do list. There were so many other things. Emotions, intellectual conversations, even physical contact not involving sexual contact. And there was nothing physically wrong with me nor did I have any psychological aversion to sex. I simply wasn't interested.

I've gone through phases like this on and off in my life, during which I would have considered myself as asexual. During some of these phases I DID engage in sex, not because I wanted or needed the sexual gratification, but because my partner at the time did and it gratified me to make my partner happy in whatever way I could, including sharing my body. But I didn't feel the usual physical pleasure associated with sex. I wasn't adverse to it. I simply could "take it or leave it", but would have left it if up to me.

Am I hitting the nail a bit closer to the head here StarGazer?
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