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Old 12-08-2012, 04:01 PM
AlixDomme AlixDomme is offline
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Default Need help w my anti-poly feelings

I am having such a hard time w poly. I had a perfectly happy monogamous marriage for 4 years. Then we had deep discussions and decided to try poly (I've never liked feeling caged in). But I am insanely jealous and worry I will lose him to someone better or with a better body and my fear of these things or that he is happy w someone else or I am not good enough for him eats at me.

Our poly has been that we date others but we live together. We were in a triad briefly which was nice but didnt last. I experienced compersion and was not jealous of them at all which was miraculous since I am such a jealous person.

I still despise a lot about poly. For instance, I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts. I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to NEED me. I dont want to feel like I'm just another replacable lover. I despise the thought of stds. I hate that people think I am "easy" if I'm poly. Or that it's all about sex.

Even though I am sexually experimental and into bdsm I still feel like a "good girl". I will never be a self-proclaimed slut. My virtue is important to me. I can count the number of ppl I've slept w on my fingers and I'm proud of that.

I want to close our relationship but then I will feel like I am caged in. I want to keep our relationship open for my sake but then when he starts dating ppl I get unstable w jealousy all over again.

I WANT to be ok w poly. I WANT to work on my jealousy. And ive tried....Ive read books, gone to a therapist who is poly herself, and i've journaled. But I just cant make the jealousy disappear. I cant get rid of negative thoughts about poly. In a way I feel like poly has ruined my life. Without it things were good enough. We were grateful for what we had. Now it feels like we will always be searching for something more and never perfectly happy.

What can I do?
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  #2  
Old 12-08-2012, 04:15 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Your post is full of "I base my self-worth on what other people think."

Then you say "I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts" and follow with "I want to keep our relationship open for my sake but then when he starts dating ppl I get unstable w jealousy all over again".

So, basically, the problem is you. You are not happy with yourself and are allowing other people to control your life. You need to take control of your life and find peace within yourself.

However, there is no such thing as perfect happiness or completion. The human condition is such that change is the only constant, and we can choose to learn and grow from change or we can spend untold amounts of energy resisting changes.

To thine own self be true.
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  #3  
Old 12-08-2012, 04:19 PM
AlixDomme AlixDomme is offline
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Yes i can see that. And maybe my reason for wanting to date ppl is for more people to make me feel good about myself/appreciated/needed.

Sick and twisted maybe but that's reality for me.

What are normal reasons for wanting more than one person? Why isnt one person good enough?
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  #4  
Old 12-08-2012, 10:04 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlixDomme View Post
What are normal reasons for wanting more than one person? Why isnt one person good enough?
First, there's no reason to drag 'normal' into. No aspect of poly is 'normal' if you're talking about statistics. The fact that tons of people do it means it happens, and that can be 'normal' but it's not statistically normally because way more people are not-poly than are poly.

Me? I want more than one person because one person can't take all the love I have to give. Both my bf's are fiercely independent, and not inclined to couple. I am the opposite of that. One person can be, has been, plenty for me in the past. It's a bit unfair, to my way of thinking, to expect one person to be one's everything.
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  #5  
Old 12-09-2012, 12:13 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Don't worry! Poly isn't (too me ) all about notches on a bedpost. In fact, I haven't met many (if any) poly people who are sluts. Most people on here don't seem so. My husband's GF only sleeps with him (and he with her). My two gay friends always play together, and the poet I know has two husbands (no other lovers).

To me, the primary issue sounds like your security with your husband. What is the thing in that relationship that makes it solid? How is your relationship with him different from others?

I don't get jealous (too much) of my husband's GF because I know that we have something singular that he can't/doesn't have with other people. I DO get more possessive of lovers when the relationships are not yet stable. What cures jealousy for me is acknowledging deeply that my relationship with anyone cannot be replicated. Does that make sense?
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  #6  
Old 12-09-2012, 05:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Your post reads like a vent to me. I hope you feel at least a tiny bit better. BREATHE. BREATHE. You sound all pent up. *hug*

Why does monogamous marriage make you feel "caged in?" What do you want rather than being "caged in?"

Since you had a triad before and that went well -- what is the jealousy thing stemming from?
  • The general dating process?
  • Or stemming from your partner becoming sexual with new people faster than you are comfortable?
  • Or something else?

What needs were met in the triad that are not met right now that you DO want met?

Why do you think that poly = slut? Who is making you out to be a slut? Why does what other people think bother you? What kinds of people are around you that do this poly slut shaming thing? What kinds of people would you rather be around?

Could think about articulating it from the angle of what you DO want. Rather than this big list of stuff you DO NOT want. Could try focusing on what you DO want instead.

I could tell you I want OJ to drink. Or I could spend all day telling you I do not want milk, I do not want coffee, I do not want vodka... and you still would not be able to help me find what I DO want. Because you do not know that I'm after some OJ.

So... perhaps if you articulate what it is you DO want, others on the forum could help you find it for yourself better?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-09-2012 at 05:16 AM.
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  #7  
Old 12-09-2012, 07:46 PM
AlixDomme AlixDomme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Don't worry! Poly isn't (too me ) all about notches on a bedpost. In fact, I haven't met many (if any) poly people who are sluts.
Maybe due to being in bdsm but most of the poly ppl I know are swingers and / or sleep w random ppl they don't even know. I see it happen a lot and it really is a turn off to me.

I know poly can be done in many ways so maybe I should just find new poly friends.
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  #8  
Old 12-10-2012, 02:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Don't worry! Poly isn't (too me ) all about notches on a bedpost. In fact, I haven't met many (if any) poly people who are sluts. Most people on here don't seem so.
Depends on how you define slut. I ID as a slut, but an ethical one. It doesn't mean I fuck any Tom, Dick or Mary that says Hi on OKC or looks at me on the street. For me, it means I am extremely sex positive and open minded and free to do what I want, as long as I don't hurt anyone (unless they want me to hurt them, mwahaha).

I don't notch my bedpost. I like people body and soul. For me, bodies only, coming together, is not nearly as much fun as someone you know and trust and go into deep crazy places with, over a nice long period of time.
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  #9  
Old 12-10-2012, 12:49 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlixDomme View Post
Yes i can see that. And maybe my reason for wanting to date ppl is for more people to make me feel good about myself/appreciated/needed.

Sick and twisted maybe but that's reality for me.
Not sick and twisted, just not conducive to a healthy poly relationship.

Quote:
What are normal reasons for wanting more than one person? Why isnt one person good enough?
Dont know about anyone else but I'm not sure I could actually answer that.

Aside from that, two problems;

First, "normal" is a HIGHLY relative term. Outside of the aforementioned statistical context I dont know that it has any real meaning because its such a variable term.

Second, the "not good enough" plus the other comments suggest you really aren't ready for a poly relationship. Its not about one person not being good enough.

It may be that you just aren't poly. You do seem to have some self-esteem issues. I'd recommend working through those first before trying to have a relationship with multiple partners. I also highly recommend "Polyamory in the 21st Century" by Deborah Anapol, very good and very comprehensive look by a professional therapist and long-time poly person at the concept.
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  #10  
Old 12-10-2012, 01:19 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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When you have "self-esteem issues" and look for other people to take up the slack, you tend to end up with other people who also have "self-esteem issues". This always leads to a cycle of co-dependency.

It is very easy for me to sit here and type, "You have self-esteem issues and need to work on those before blah blagh relationships blah blah etc." What may not be obvious is that is has not been easy for me to get to the place where I can just SAY that and be certain that I know what I'm talking about. I had HUGE "self esteem issues" in my teens and early 20's, and if I didn't know who I am I would never believe that I was the same person I am now that i was then. "Self esteem issues" means different things to each one of us, but one thing that is common to all is that having "self esteem issues" is not a character flaw. It is not something that people who have been there look DOWN upon. It is something that we who have been "through the rain" understand how hard it is, and how it often seems to be other people's problem, and that there is no way out but through. But I promise you - nobody else can fix it for you.
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