Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-06-2012, 06:57 PM
APAcircleofthree APAcircleofthree is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default Dazed and Confused



My back story is long, winded, actually, so I won't get into it unless I'm asked.

I am very new to this. This new journey of life was started by an emotional affair 8 months ago. We made it this far, and I am pleased to say that.

He only looked into this "way of life" because he was so confused about how he was feeling about another woman. We've been married 16+ years, and to be honest when he told me he loved another woman, and the connection they had was intense, he said he really didn't know what to do, I didn't know either. He told me he loved me, no less than the day I found out and didn't want a divorce or to break up our family. But... he really wants to share his life and love with her also.

Both of us women, mono! So it's a Vee relationship that is "trying" to be formed. I am having problems emotionally, but have come a long way. I understand we both love him, and want to be apart of his life. The problem is that only after 8 months, they are planning on a commitment ceremony, and he wants me to acknowledge her as a co-wife. Right now I can't do that, and that reason is because I have not met her yet. Our son is meeting her tomorrow, and that bothers me... a lot! So, the ceremony and him introducing her to our son is bothering me, and I am looking for quideance on how to deal with this, as I think it is moving so fast.

Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-06-2012, 07:36 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,305
Default

So... you agreed to stay in the marriage if your husband pursued a relationship with another woman with whom he had an emotional affair and fell in love. I assume you thought long and hard about it, and came to forgive him his transgression, before you consented.

However, while you can't really control what he does with her and how he manages his relationship with her (ie., their commitment ceremony does not need your blessing to take place), you DO NOT need to acknowledge her as a co-wife, or anything other than your metamour (another word for "your significant other's other significant other). Nor do you have to consent to your son meeting her before you are ready for him to, and you certainly don't have to let her move into your home if your husband wants that.

How old is your son? As his parent, if you are not in agreement with something his father wants, you shouldn't let it override your convictions about it. She may be a perfectly lovely woman, but you haven't even met her, and most poly parents will be very protective about whom their children meet and are allowed to be around. You CAN put your foot down if your son is not 18 and making his own decisions.

And while you can't dictate how your husband conducts his other relationship, you CAN ask that he slow things down a bit until you are able to handle such changes. It isn't really about "couple privilege," as some folks might think, but it is about his respecting his wife who was totally blindsided yet still forgave and was willing to move forward into unknown relationship territory. It is called "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most."

He seems to be going about it all wrong and backwards. I would state to him, in no uncertain terms, that he is to introduce her to you first before introducing her to your son. I would request that you spend time getting to know her before exposing her to your family. As the boy's mother, you have that right.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-06-2012, 09:41 PM
APAcircleofthree APAcircleofthree is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Thank you so much for your response, nycindie!

Our son is 15. Some of my concerns fall on deaf ears at time, as my husband says he needs to meet my metamour, in order for all of us to move forward. I have asked quite often for him to slow things down, again, the response is it needs to be right for him (us) in order to move forward.

I have more to come, and will be posting other thoughts later.

Thank you, it is appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-07-2012, 12:33 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,305
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by APAcircleofthree View Post
Our son is 15. Some of my concerns fall on deaf ears at time, as my husband says he needs to meet my metamour, in order for all of us to move forward. I have asked quite often for him to slow things down, again, the response is it needs to be right for him (us) in order to move forward.
Well, is your husband the boss of you? Why the hell does he think it is more important for your son to meet his girlfriend before you do? You are the mother of his child! You get a say, certainly, and if it bothers you a lot, as you say it does, then stand up for yourself.

And moving forward doesn't have to mean moving fast. You are already moving forward by virtue of the fact that you consented to be in a poly arrangement after so many years of monogamy. Where is his compassion for you? Is she pressuring him? Something stinks here.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-07-2012, 12:51 AM
APAcircleofthree APAcircleofthree is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default



Again, many thanks for your response.

No, he is not the boss of me. I should say, that before I knew of what his vision was of what part she played in our life, I guess I was the one indirectly who threw a "wrench" (as he calls it) in this. It happended while we were on a family vacation. She was having problems with him going (it was planned well before she was in our life) and it was extremely difficult listening to how extremely sad, and distraught she was...that it started to diminish the "family" vacation. I called her and asked her to please allow us to have our family time, she was very pleasant and agreed. However, it turned out to be one of the worst vacations ever. I guess my phone call made her question how does she fit in? - she wanted to know from my husband, how she was seen to him. Mistress, girlfriend, lover...?? She told him I was "flexing my muscles" because I am his wife. I didn't know at that time that he saw her as his "co-wife" - nor did I know he expected me to view her this way. That is how that started, so she feels threatened. And yes, she is pressuring him -she wants his time split 50/50, shared custody model. I have problems with that too, due to our son, such a crucial time for him to have his father around.

I will mention again to him that I feel I should be introduced before our son, but, he will say she is not ready. She doesn't want meeting me to ruin their ceremony next week.

Oh... I just don't know anymore.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-07-2012, 01:22 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,305
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by APAcircleofthree View Post
She doesn't want meeting me to ruin their ceremony next week.
So, their ceremony is more important to her than establishing a good and respectful relationship with her "co-wife?" Oy!

Your husband is being inconsiderate. Asking you to allow someone you haven't even met yet to share custody of your son? That sounds like a crazy person's request. Seriously. If I were you, I would keep my son away from her until I knew her and she proved trustworthy. WTF!!!

I am sure you will get a few more responses here. You should share this thread with him after a few more people write in. He needs some real-world experienced poly folk to give their perspectives and maybe he will see how fucked up his priorities are.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-07-2012, 01:55 AM
Love2Bake Love2Bake is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 22
Default Woah

Quote:
Originally Posted by APAcircleofthree View Post

My back story is long, winded, actually, so I won't get into it unless I'm asked.

I am very new to this. This new journey of life was started by an emotional affair 8 months ago. We made it this far, and I am pleased to say that.

He only looked into this "way of life" because he was so confused about how he was feeling about another woman. We've been married 16+ years, and to be honest when he told me he loved another woman, and the connection they had was intense, he said he really didn't know what to do, I didn't know either. He told me he loved me, no less than the day I found out and didn't want a divorce or to break up our family. But... he really wants to share his life and love with her also.

Both of us women, mono! So it's a Vee relationship that is "trying" to be formed. I am having problems emotionally, but have come a long way. I understand we both love him, and want to be apart of his life. The problem is that only after 8 months, they are planning on a commitment ceremony, and he wants me to acknowledge her as a co-wife. Right now I can't do that, and that reason is because I have not met her yet. Our son is meeting her tomorrow, and that bothers me... a lot! So, the ceremony and him introducing her to our son is bothering me, and I am looking for quideance on how to deal with this, as I think it is moving so fast.

Thank you!
__________________________________________________ ____________

This isn't what I consider to be poly. This looks like a typical cheater to me. And where is your inner voice?

This is what I would do.

I would definitely introduce myself, along with the son to this woman. So she can see and you can see that yes, this is real. They are sleeping together. No way is he not banging her. This woman is apparently here to stay. And since you've married a dud, I'd look into securing your self for a divorce. I'd definitely let her have him-all of him. Let them go on their merry way. You do not need someone in your life who is out fulfilling HIS needs, while ignoring YOURS. My goodness, woman. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!! I hope you realize this and do not settle for this mans scraps.

YOU didnt choose to be part of a triad. He has no right to force this upon you. I feel you're weak and thats why you didnt pack up and go! I dont think its because you love him at all. It's about you and your lack of autonomy.

I could be totally wrong. I am open to that.

Whatever. Either way. I REALLY do wish you strength and peace of mind. ((((((giant hugs))))))
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-07-2012, 02:58 AM
APAcircleofthree APAcircleofthree is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Thank you for your response, Love2Bake!

I love the thought of the introduction with my son. This is not a triad, it is a Vee. I was not forced into this. It was my choice, to enter this lifestyle change along with my husband. Of course, there are never guarantees with any relationship. I am fully aware of that. I do realize my worth, and I would never settle for scraps.

I hope for peace of mind, atleast a better understanding. It's all so new, and I know there are no rule books for this. I appreciate the hugs!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-07-2012, 06:17 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 562
Default

I'm sorry, but I missed the part where you agreed to this. I got that he informed you that he was in love with someone else and it had already been going on for some time, presumably behind your back, since he only broke the news to you at that time.

I got the part where this up-until-recently secret girlfriend of less than 8 months at the time pushed her way into a family vacation via telephone so often that you had to ask her to please let your family enjoy their family vacation.

I got the part where you're apparently blaming yourself, saying you threw a wrench in the works by making that phone call. Because it's your fault the two of them didn't bother telling THE wife that they have now decided there's a 'co-wife?'

I'm getting all this about your husband and this woman deciding she will meet your son but not you.

I'm getting that the two of them will do anything they please, at whatever speed they please, with your son and without you.

I'm getting that you're agitated and upset over this whole situation.

But I didn't see where you agreed to this. If so, why did you agree to it? Out of fear of losing him? Because he was going to do it anyway?

Right now, it looks to me like a cheater and his girlfriend, too.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-07-2012, 11:35 AM
APAcircleofthree APAcircleofthree is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Thank you for your thoughts, WhatHappened.

I'm glad you "got" it. I think I don't get it.

I'm frustrated. My husband has been completely, brutally honest with me, since the day ( which was one month in to his EA) I found out. He has been open about everything, way too much sometimes, he has never spent an overnight with her. Because I am having more problems, he took it slower in his eyes, had some of my actions to certain things been different, he believes we would have been further along.

Thanks again. I'm back to processing thoughts.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:02 PM.