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  #1  
Old 08-13-2010, 05:48 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Default This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating)

Well duh.

Indigo and I just had another chat. It was good and productive, like all of our chats have been since we've started down the rabbit hole. But I'm tired of talking and crying and talking and crying right now, despite the good results.

Alright. I lie. I'm just plain tired. I'm actually truly glad we're doing this; we're learning a great deal about ourselves, each other, and we're strengthening our relationship. I have every expectation that this is one of those long term payouts. I'm not a patient person, and I have the sinking feeling that I am actually learning patience!

Was life easier when I had only friends with benefits? Oh hell yeah. But it was also shallower, a testing the waters before we took "the plunge" sort of thing.

And aside from the benefits to our relationship, I've already experienced a one-more-shoulder-to-cry-on moment.

Long background story short: Mother, with whom I already have a strained relationship, called Sunday to tell me that she will not be attending our wedding in February. Our wedding that she has known about for over a year. Why? It's going to interfere too much with her schooling. Aside from the obvious hurt this has caused, it also served to validate multitudes of incidents from childhood where I was placated or told that I was just imagining (what I have since accepted to be) her emotional abuse. Despite years of therapy, I was still holding a scrap of hope inside that my childhood was one big misunderstanding. That dam broke this week.

So Indigo has held me while I wept. And has been his usual comforting self. He also let Mother know how he feels about her ... which was a long time coming. He's never said a bad thing to her. This was all anticipated comfort, and much appreciated.

Unanticipated comfort: I dragged my ass from bed to see Mr. A out of a sense of obligation. I found a concerned, loving boyfriend. We had a beer. He listened to me rant. He encouraged me, when I felt I was talking about myself too much. Added benefit, he is so far removed from the situation that my irrational mind can't dismiss him saying, "You're right to feel this way" and allow me to ninja myself into another spiral of hurty angriness.

Unexpected benefits: Upon returning from Mr. A's, I felt ... better! And who else benefitted from this? Indigo! On normal occassions when I feel like garbage, I tend to take the route of sleeping it off. But instead, Indigo got an hour or two of Happy Natasha (not to mention much needed lovings of his own) before I went to bed for the night.

So, when we started this, I had no illusions that I'd just go out and find a few BFs and GFs, Indigo would find a few GFs, we'd get a unicorn, and then we'd all live together, (happily ever after, of course!), in a free-loving tribe. But I also didn't really know what to expect.

After just a mere month, I have so much MORE respect for the happy people on here. You've clearly earned it!


Into the rabbit hole; I can't wait to see where it goes. This shit's a lot of work!
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  #2  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:11 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Dear self,

Go to bed. You're not accomplishing anything right now, as you're too tired to be struck by wonderful insight whilst nosing around on the forum.


Much love,

You.
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  #3  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:17 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Dear TruckerPete

I think you're adorable. But go to bed, cause you'll enjoy the forums better in the morning when there's more to read.

Love,

FormerUnicorn
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  #4  
Old 08-13-2010, 11:01 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
Dear TruckerPete

I think you're adorable. But go to bed, cause you'll enjoy the forums better in the morning when there's more to read.

Love,

FormerUnicorn
Heehee! Thanks FU*, I did take my own advice!




*Needed to make this reference once myself. Scratched that itch. Thank you!
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  #5  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:32 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Default A great night

Mr. A came over for dinner last night with Indigo and I. It was the first time they'd had any extended interaction together.

It went really well. We watched some TV and laughed at the funny bits. (All of us have a similar sense of humour.) We watched Jeopardy, and sometimes they laughed at me. I have very narrow pop culture knowledge, and apparently some answers were obvious, because they both said them right away. It feels good to be the butt of a joke they share.

Later, Indigo had plans, so Mr. A and I had some alone time. Indigo and I had alone time before Mr. A arrived, in the form of a snuggly nap! So it was a real win of an evening for me.

Everyone agreed that it wasn't awkward and they had a good time.

I think we need to figure out which restaurants in town have round tables.
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  #6  
Old 08-17-2010, 07:23 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I think we need to figure out which restaurants in town have round tables.
What about triangle tables? Now that is something I don't remember seeing. Glad things are going well my friend, thanks for sharing
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  #7  
Old 10-01-2010, 05:18 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Talking victory is ours!

Indigo and I had GOOD sex tonight. If you've read his blog at all, you know this is a big positive step!

I've been making much more of an effort to be physical with him, even when I don't feel like it. And surprisingly this did help me feel closer. Not every touch need be a prelude to sex. Once this false expectation was removed, the pressure I felt was greatly reduced.

Tonight, he made a huge effort to listen and communicate and ask for feedback, and I gave him this and clobbered the doubts in my head with a great big stick!

We will need to continue to work at this, but a success, especially a spur of the moment one, is a great relief.

I love you dear! I knew things would start working again!

Last edited by TruckerPete; 10-01-2010 at 05:20 AM. Reason: typo
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  #8  
Old 10-01-2010, 05:33 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Indigo and I had GOOD sex tonight.

Here's to lots more good sex!!
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  #9  
Old 10-04-2010, 02:59 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Default You asked why I was crying this morning ...

Don't know where this post will go, but I feel like I just need to get things out.

I'm filled with joy at the blossoming friendship between Indigo and Mr. A. They are talking to each other some of the time when working out the weekly schedule. This takes a lot of pressure off of me to balance everyone's needs.

Yesterday, Mr. A had a terrible day at work. The company he works for is going under; it's only a matter of time. He's a flight instructor, and finding work in that field is next to impossible right now. He works long days, but isn't paid unless he's actually flying or can scrounge up enough tasks in one lump to bill hours. Or really, hour. It's not uncommon for him to make less than $20 during a ten hour work day. Apparently, this is the industry norm, and there is nothing anyone can do to improve these conditions because there is a surplus of pilots. Don't like the way things work? That's okay, there are dozens waiting to replace you. Not every day is like this, mind you, but enough are.

It's heartbreaking to see someone so motivated and passionate have his love and dreams crushed to bits. (The reality is that I am his secondary, flying is his primary. )

I was a complete and total bitch to Indigo yesterday. I get stressed, and lash out. Uncontrolled. Quite frankly, verbally/emotionally abusive. I'm working on it, but really it can't get better fast enough. The pain I inflict is unacceptable. Unfortunately, for me to understand and therefore control these episodes, they have to happen. I gain a bit of understanding each time, but it never feels like it's worth the cost.

The only two people in my life who are close enough to me to see this side are Indigo and my father. Why must I hurt most the ones I love most? Dad endured years of this bullshit from my mother, so he's a saint at ignoring me when I get into a mood. Indigo ... he grew up in a loving family. There was no hidden agenda. He asks sometimes how you can speak to someone you love in such a way. Irony is, I act this way because he is close enough to know the worst side of me. I have no answer as to why. And I wonder why it happened to me when I was apparently loved by Mother.

She used to tell me I was a manipulative bitch. A horrible person who would end up alone. And I look at the wedding and my guests. My maid of honour? Dad's girlfriend. One childhood best friend and his long-term gf. Maybe two coworkers who are friends, but not close friends. And my boyfriend.

Who invites their boyfriend to their own fucking wedding?

After everything yesterday, Indigo volunteered to drive me across town AND pick me up from Mr. A's. Almost an hour and a half of driving total. After I was a useless blob all day. So that I would feel better seeing Mr. A, and so that Mr. A might feel better after a terrible day, without the added pressure of arranging pickup/delivery of me.

Guilt guilt guilt guilt.
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  #10  
Old 10-05-2010, 05:28 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Who invites their boyfriend to their own fucking wedding?
I think most people invite their bf to their own wedding (lesbians being the possible exception)...it's like the sneetches...bf goes in, husband comes out.
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