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Old 12-04-2012, 01:00 AM
berenices berenices is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Default doubt: interactions while being with the other partner

Just wondering during a lonely and long night... After reading several things I am under the impression that is usual to not interact at all with your SO during a weekend with your OSO. I have never had OSOs, so maybe that is the reason is so hard for me to understand. Why zero interaction when you know it's being difficult for your OSO? I dont mean to spend lots of time, but why not even a text? This is what happens whenever my SO is with his new OSO and during lonely nights such as this I just dont get it.

I have read of similar situations and I always kind of tought it was the way to do it, but now I am having second thoughts... What is so wrong about a text? Is because you just dont feel like it? Time? Neither? I feel a little like I stop existing for him several nghts a week . Just a smilley would make a huge diff, but this is something I don know if I can ask for.Or if I want to.
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Old 12-04-2012, 01:16 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,786

I think that everyone works out what works best for everyone involved. For instance, MrS and I tend to have routine times that we check in with each other during times when we are apart (not a poly thing, just our thing). For instance if he is out with friends he will call around 11 pm (plus or minus an hour) and let me know if he is coming home or crashing elsewhere, tell me to go to bed (I am bad at this) and "tuck me in" by phone.

I don't think this would change if he were out with a girlfriend rather than his other friends. At the same time, those nights he is elsewhere I don't call/text him because I don't want to interrupt his evening - the same would apply, I imagine, if he were out on a date. The flexibility of timing ("touch base sometime before midnight") allows/would allow him to choose the best time/place to make the call so as to be the least intrusive to whomever he is with. (Say, while they were on their way from the show to her house or whatever...)

Other people have agreements about times that cell phones are off or that they are unavailable to others. I would think this would go both ways. For instance - she doesn't call at dinner or during "family nights" when he is home. And he doesn't call/text you during "date time" but then calls to wish you goodnight.

Just some random ramblings on the topic...


PS. We are not big text/phone people so our preferences might not work for people that are used to being in constant contact while not physically present.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 12-04-2012, 01:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I'm not sure precisely what you were reading-but that is definitely not how things go with our group.

Admittedly, currently we all live together.

However, I do go out for overnights with one or the other partner alone. In those cases I ALWAYS have a goodnight and good morning conversation with whichever partner isn't with me (AND the kids).
Also, it's common for us to take a moment (like when one of us is in the restroom) to send a text message to partners who aren't with us at various times during the day.

If it's more than ONE night away-not only is there always a goodnight and goodmorning conversation, in addition to periodic "we are separated for a few minutes" texts-but I will make a point of having a midday conversation with whoever isn't with me as well.

If it's more than one night-I leave a card or note for the partner left behind-and it's common for them to slip one into my bags before I go.

If it's out of state trip-I make a point of mailing a postcard and sending several decently sized emails regarding the trip.

This is common decency in regards to our relationships. We usually see one another EVERY DAY because we live together-so more than a day apart is unusual and deserves extra special tlc.

There are other people I've read on here that do not live with their partners and don't see or talk to each other every day and therefore it's less critical to them to keep in touch when with another partner.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 12-04-2012, 02:16 AM
berenices berenices is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3

Thanks for the replies! They really help . I guess up until now it didnt bother me so much because he was having a couple of dates per week, but now it is every other night and we live in different cities and I am confused. I told him something about this and he said it was weird and thoughts about minimum interference . For me it is a difficult topic so I havent said anything more about it. I guess I am ready now, after knowing it is not necessarily so weird. Thanks a lot, really
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:47 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 241

I think sometimes people don't want SOs to communicate with their OSO because it feels like they're not giving you their full attention. Like, "If you're with me, you should be paying attention to me, not your OSO." Or there may be a problem if the OSO is super needy, or intentionally interrupting your time together.

Personally, for me there's a middle ground. If my date is constantly on the phone or texting, I feel that it's disrespectful. Or if we're in the middle of a particularly focused conversation, or doing something special. But if someone tells me, "Hey, I need to check in with my girlfriend tonight," and does so at an appropriate (or prearranged) time, that's perfectly fine.

I text or call Moonlight every day, usually multiple times. But I try to time it so that it doesn't happen if Fly and I are on a date or doing something special. But if we're just hanging out, no problem. With Fly, if I'm spending the night with Moonlight, I try to dash off a quick "Love you! xoxoxo" before bed.

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 11-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:04 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I see my boyfriend once a week, its rarely an overnight, but regardless, I don't contact my husband on date nights unless it is to say "I'm staying the night" or "I'm going to be home later usual". If I stay overnight there's always the chance I'll see him in passing when I get home if he hasn't left for work, but if not I send him an IM when I get home, I don't think 24 hours without speaking is an issue for either of us.

Certainly if I am with a non live in partner for more than one night, I'd make time to call at least once, or send a text a few times (texting not really my thing though). My boyfriend doesn't text his wife or gf while on a date with me (well he probably does but he does it subtly so its not distracting - though it wouldn't be a big problem if he took a bit of time to do so) and I appreciate it a lot, means I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to be free to talk to me. Not messaging a person you love doesn't mean you don't love them or aren't thinking of them fondly, it just means you're being attentive and polite to the person you are with.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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texting on dates

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