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Old 08-07-2010, 05:51 AM
Spades Spades is offline
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Default new at poly, cant tell if these are probs or I'm worrying too much

Hi, I just joined this board:]

So, my long term partner and I have been exploring poly for the last 2 years, our relationship is strong and good and is going on 6 years. I have been dating people these 2 years pretty casually, and all singles. but a few months ago, I met someone who I really like and with whom I am forming a nice relationship. He is not single, he is married, poly, and with an infant and another little one.

so a couple problems seem to be brewing....but I'm not sure. things seem a lot more confusing to me, more than ever before. as if monogamous dating weren't already a little sensitive, this is just almost too much.

--the first problem is that his wife wants nothing to do with me. we've never met, but he seems to think we won't like each other and should not meet. and there are complications such as she seems to be going through a lot of difficulty with post partum depression, insomnia, feeling threatened.

--we have agreed to sexual exclusivity, but his real time constraints and sheer exhaustion means we don't see each other that much, once every 2 weeks on average. we agreed to sexual exclusivity for health and emotional reasons. meaning no one will have sex with anyone new without getting consent. but it makes me feel like he is more on the level of significant other, when our actual physical time spent is becoming more like someone I would date casually. we chat regularly during the week though.

In some regards, I feel so uncomfortable about all this that I just want to break it off, but I really like him. and I am also not sure if my discomfort really has more to do with my own shifting expectations--going from monogamous relationship 'scripts', to figuring out how poly relations work, and also for me, dating someone with a family. exp when Im used to dating single people who are a lot more eager to spend time with me. I guess under this all, I feel hurt and neglected.

we're planning to talk soon. I sometimes think his wife's refusal to have anything to do with me is a big red flag. but we've only been dating 3 months, and she is going through a hell of a lot. like I said though, I'm newish at this.

what do you think, any experiences or gems of wisdom to share that might help me along??
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Old 08-07-2010, 06:28 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Greetings and welcome.

First question : Do you have any actual confirmation that his wife knows about you ?

As for the 'agreement'..... Right now I would be a very cheerful puppy to get to see the someone I desire, every two weeks. :P

But that is me, and not you. The point of that cheeky comment is; that agreements need to always be open to renegotiation. The situation and timing works for him, but does not work for you. Based on different lifestyles, it is definitely a area that needs to be kept 'open' not 'ruled'.

Since it doesn`t work for you, it is not a good agreement.
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Old 08-07-2010, 03:48 PM
Spades Spades is offline
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"First question : Do you have any actual confirmation that his wife knows about you ?

It would be awful if he were that much of a liar. He talks about her reactions to me sometimes. but, no, I don't have any actual confirmation.

seeing him every two weeks is a downer. but I appreciate the feedback superjast. It is helpful for me to see what others are getting time wise in their poly relationships.

I'm wondering if I should keep my options open to finding another person who can spend more time with me, almost like another primary, and allow him to be more of a satellite.
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Old 08-07-2010, 03:59 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spades View Post
"First question : Do you have any actual confirmation that his wife knows about you ?

It would be awful if he were that much of a liar. He talks about her reactions to me sometimes. but, no, I don't have any actual confirmation.
You might want to get actual confirmation. Even a one off. Might make you more comfortable with the situation. In all honestly, I think this is a big red flag. ...However there are successful relationships built on a DADT policy (don't ask don't tell) however that doesn't mean YOU are comfortable with it.

Quote:
seeing him every two weeks is a downer. but I appreciate the feedback superjast. It is helpful for me to see what others are getting time wise in their poly relationships.
I have a gut feeling Superjast is having more of a challenge with distance instead of an exclusive agreement limiting sexual contact to every two weeks. ...While I do know of relationships locking into time constraints, they aren't locked in, as I mentioned below

That said, if you feel thats unfair to you, thats unfair to you. Maybe he can't offer more than two weeks, thats fair...however locking you into a bi-weekly sexual experience is not fair.

Quote:
I'm wondering if I should keep my options open to finding another person who can spend more time with me, almost like another primary, and allow him to be more of a satellite.
To use labels, yes you are his secondary, enjoy it and work with it. Nothing wrong with it at all...but everyone (ok...not everyone but most) needs to feel that love and affection from a daily love. Someone that they don't have a lot of hard rules to follow to see or be intimate with.

As with all things poly, your rules aren't bad, but they should always be up for renegotiation.
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