Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Spirituality & Polyamory


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-05-2010, 11:40 PM
Tiana Tiana is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 20
Default Engaged Woman Seeking Help

I am a woman who is engaged to be married soon before Halloween this year, but I am finding myself in crisis and am tearing myself up over feelings which I do not know are normal or not.

My fiancée proposed to close to a year ago and I could not have been more excited about it. He is kind, has a great sense of humour, is happy to support me, and his family likes me and gets along with me. He is Christian and while he does not attend church he knows alot about scripture. His negative traits are that he is stuck in his ways and much as he pretends to be open minded he is not.

Bearing this in mind, this is what has happened. A few months after his proposal I met another man. He has found and released parts of me I never knew existed and I very much enjoy. My feelings for him have grown and he has revealed his feelings for me also. To keep things straight I will simply call him John, and my fiancée Bob.

Bob knew about John well before John ever revealed his feeling to me, and before I had developed feelings for him. Bob knew of him when John and I were still friends. At that time Bob already had a bad feeling about John which he could not explain of back up. At that time I assured Bob that his concern was unfounded, that I loved him and he had no need to have bad feelings. At that time Bob didn't see John as a threat Bob just had an uneasy feeling about John.

Well time went on, and I started to spend more time with John and learned more about him and he me. He unlocked parts of me that I never knew existed (though the clues had always been there in retrospect), which I very much enjoy.

Now as my wedding date draws closer I am tearing myself apart, becasue I do love both Bob and John, which I never knew possible. I was brought up Christian, while I was not devout, I do believe in God, but know very little about scripture. The good little Christian girl is telling me that my feelings for John are wrong and I should never have allowed things to happen with him as they did, but the other half of me is telling me how much I enjoy that time and do not want to give it up. Because of Bob's beliefs I am certain that if he knew that I love both him and John he would be angry and our potential marriage would disintegrate. My family also loves Bob very much and have been excited and joyful in the planning of my wedding with me and are happy for me.

Bob and I do have our problems, and I am very much afraid to tell him about things with John. I do not know what to do. It tears me apart inside. Soon I will be moving in with Bob and will have to hide my relationship with John because I can not give that up, and I believe Bob will be very hurt and not understand how I can still love him even though I do love John too.

The good little Christian girl in me feels like John is a temptation sent by the devil, but then why does it feel so good and so right when I am with him? Or is this a test sent by God to test my faithfulness to my future husband? Is it wrong to love two men like this?

I need help and advice, I can not call off the wedding, I do not want to hurt Bob, but I am tearing myself apart right now with my feelings. I will have to hide my relationship with John when I move in with Bob and my time with John will be harshly limited. What should I do? I just don't know....
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 03:25 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

I am not Christian, but I grew up Christian. From what I see, scripture can be used to justify just about anything.

As an example, some people will talk about wanting the traditional or Biblical definition of marriage in debates on gay marriage. They may quote portions of scripture that support the version of marriage they would like to exist. However, they ignore all the other scripture that does not support their definition of marriage. For example, an Old Testament view of marriage would have to include raped women marrying their rapist. Women who marry but are not virgins should be stoned to death in front of their parents. Polyandry would be legal but not polygyny.

So people tend to play a game where they quote portions of the Old Testament and portions of the New and mix and match them to fit the views they want to have in the first place. This leads to many, many different possible "Biblical" views as seen by the more than 30,000 denominations of Christianity. (This is probably coming across harsher than intended, but I have seen so many people who hurt themselves trying to follow rules told to them by a preacher or culture.)

So my advise would be to figure out your morality from simpler principles. The Golden Rule (or some equivalent) is a great start. Work from there. Treat others as if you were them.

For this situation, I think you need to settle this before it becomes a big issue. Be honest with Bob and John about what you think and feel. See if you can get Bob to try to understand polyamory. Maybe get a book on it or invite him to talk to people who practice polyamory. A hidden relationship will just poison your marriage.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 06:44 PM
Tiana Tiana is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 20

The thing is I've only just discovered I can love more than one person at a time. John was the first occurrence of this. John understands my feelings and worries for me that things might break between Bob and I if I do not tell Bob the truth, but I know Bob will not understand.

I didn't even know it was possible to love more than one man at a time until John came along, and both John and Bob can give me different things that the other can not. I don't know anyone else who loves more than one person, and those people I do know here would be against the idea. I don't want to hurt Bob, but I know he will not understand this. And I am conflicted, so much so it hurts and I have cried many times about this with John when he has brought it up that I need to tell Bob about things before we tie the knot and it is too late.

My family does not know about John or my feelings for him, nor do I think they would ever understand. They have inadvertently come to expect my marriage, are excited about it, and they want me to be happy. I worry I will not find this being bound to Bob, but he is so very stubborn about things, and close minded, that I doubt I could open his heart to understand this.

I am at this moment very scared and confused.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 10:53 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Sorry to be blunt, but sometimes that's just required.

You love two men. You're engaged to one of them, and telling him about loving two men may end your relationship with him.

Marrying Bob while hiding your relationship with John is cheating. It doesn't even matter if you never have sex with John, because it's emotional cheating. I'm not Christian and I don't know scripture, but I'm quite certain it has something to say about women who cheat on their husbands.

As for John being sent by the devil or a test from God, you're in the wrong forum to get confirmation on either of those theories. The belief around here is that it's absolutely awesome to love two people and there's nothing wrong with it!

I agree with the post that you should not enter a marriage if you have any doubts. Look at how torn you are right now, thinking you can't call off the wedding. How torn are you going to be in 6 months, a year, 10 years, when you still feel the same way about John, and you're MARRIED? As hard as it is to call off the wedding, won't it be a thousand times harder to get divorced?

And don't kid yourself. You won't survive the next 60 years if you force yourself to live in this lie.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-07-2010, 08:24 PM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 758

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said with the addition of:

There's a chance you fiance may be more okay than you think. My husband had a string of affairs for a lot of reasons, but the last one he fell in love with. He chose to lie and hide it b/c he thought I would be hurt and end things.

I welcomed her with open arms and looked at him like he was crazy when he didn't think it was possible to love two people.

Our issues came when I found out about the lies and deciet, not the love he had for someone else.

Also a religion and lifetime ago, I was studying to be a minister in the presbyterian church. It all depends on your beliefs and church docterine and all. Some say polyamory is allowed, that Jesus humself was polyamorus. Some say you should only love and be with the one you marry. Like any other religion it is all interpretation. Not that you can't that you shouldn't love anyone else. But something I learned back then, is that humans tend to create roles for their deities to act as some form of conscience. You feel you are being tested and are failing the test b/c something in you feels this whole mess is wrong.

Time to figure yourself out and decide what you feel is wrong and what you want to do about it.

This has to be a personal decision based on personal beliefs. But entering into a marriage with this much deciet already will only lead to bad things down the road.

I see nothing wrong with loving and being with more than one person. I see plenty wrong with lieing, hiding things and making decisions for your soon to be spouse about his life without informing him.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 07:56 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168

Originally Posted by Tiana View Post
I need help and advice, I can not call off the wedding, I do not want to hurt Bob
I don't think those two things are compatible. Bob is expecting to be married to someone who is in love with him and him alone. That's not you. It's not fair to him to let him enter a marriage under false pretenses. If you give up your relationship with John for the sake of going through with the wedding and being married to Bob you'll be heartbroken. Bob deserves a non-heartbroken new bride; someone who is thrilled to be entering into a marriage with him.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 10:03 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742

Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I don't think those two things are compatible. Bob is expecting to be married to someone who is in love with him and him alone. That's not you. It's not fair to him to let him enter a marriage under false pretenses. If you give up your relationship with John for the sake of going through with the wedding and being married to Bob you'll be heartbroken. Bob deserves a non-heartbroken new bride; someone who is thrilled to be entering into a marriage with him.
Everything above. You're trapping yourself and your fiancé. That is not healthy or fair to anyone.

Be strong and forget "what other people will think" this is too important to ignore.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 10:11 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much!! You have definitely found the place to come for support and understanding. Read as much as you can on this forum. As you can see, there are many people here who love more than one person. I am a woman, 53 years old and in love with 5 men. I have known these men for 12 years, 10 years, 9 years, 2 years and 1 year. They all know about one another and they all know and like one another (except the newest one- he hasn't met anyone else yet because I'm not sure if he will be around for the long term)

I wanted to comment on something you said. You said that you can't cancel the marriage. Can't means won't. There is no such reason why a person "can't" cancel a marriage.

Also- I worked in a ministry for 5 years for people dealing with grief after divorce and I will tell you this....it is very devastating. The only thing every one of the divorced people had in common was that they had doubts even when they were walking down the aisle. Do not enter a marriage where you have doubts. Trust me, it's not worth it.

You did not share you age with us (or at least I didn't see it) so I'm going to assume you are young. Maybe you could take a few deep breaths and realize that you have a whole life ahead of you. There is absolutely no reason that you have to rush into a marriage at this time.

My lifestyle is a result of many years of
1- knowing what I want
2- believing I deserve it
3- talking to the people I love about it
4- being patient

I'd like to share one more thing with you, something that happened after a party at my house. The evening ended and only Richard and Charles were left (two of my lovers) We all cleaned up the kitchen and talked for over an hour about what all had transpired at the party.

It was getting time to go to bed and the question was in the air of who would sleep with me and who would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was no answer for that in my mind. I wasn't’t comfortable with one of them being in the guest bedroom and probably would’t be able to sleep knowing one of them was in there and one with me.

So- I asked if we could all sleep in my bedroom. They both know how picky I am about having the left side of the bed where I have my lamp, clock, book, water, earplugs etc. So- the question they both had was “Who would sleep where” so I said “Me in the middle, of course!”

I said “If anyone wakes up with a hard on, please insert it”….. OMG…..It took me about 45 minutes to get to sleep while I held my earplugs in my hand and listened to each of them snore in their own way! I was so happy and just thrilled. For a while there I was scared I would’t be able to sleep at all due to the excitement of having them there with me. They get along so good too and enjoy each other’s company so much! Charles did wake me up and oblige my request and then we went back to sleep.

We woke up and Richard asked if I remembered how to make the homemade waffles we used to make (back in the days when we were in a monogamous relationship and spent a lot of time together). I said- sure but we needed a few items. Charles volunteered to go to the grocery store. It’s quite a production, but they sat at the bar and we talked and shared and laughed while I made the waffles. The last 3 waffles are always the best, so I made a whole batch, but waited until the end before serving the perfect waffles which were crispy on the outside, but very soft…they just melted in your mouth! It was awesome to be able to share the morning with them after a night with them!!

I know that might seem impossible to you, but I'm just saying....it really happened!!!!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2010, 07:44 PM
Chameleon Chameleon is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN.
Posts: 1

After carefully reading the excellent points and advice made by this membership concerning your dilemma, I will only offer you one more thing to consider.

As pointed out earlier, scriptures are opened to interpretation much the same way different readers would interpret a poem. Not being a biblical scholar myself, when considering the philosophy, psychology, and anthropology of the issue, I’ve set out to find what experts in the subject had to say concerning these matters.

Dr. David P. Barish professor of psychology at the university of Washington in Seattle, and his wife, Judith Eve Lipton M.D., have published an excellent book concerning the issue of non-monogamy. An excerpt concerning your dilemma can be read at:


The Christian validation your fiancé needs to grow pass his limited and suppressed biblical exposure concerning marriage and commitment, can be found at this site. Lucky for him to have you doing the footwork necessary in an effort to achieve a positive outcome for the two of you. But make no mistake dear; this membership has offered you advice and perspectives that are second to none. When push comes to shove, the decision you make in absence of turning him around concerning a lifelong commitment to him, have far-reaching implications for you, especially, if and when you decide to start a family with him.

I’m certain I speak for all when I say, we are all rooting here for you.

Please keep us informed with your progress, as this matter is one that reinforces the values this community holds to be true.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2010, 10:30 PM
Athena Athena is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 167

Pretty much as above. You can't be true to the value of being an honest caring human being, without letting both your men know how you feel and then let the chips fall where they may. I can't speak to all of Christian scripture, because aside from a class in English in ninth grade where my college prep school made us read some parables attributed to Jesus in the Christian part of the bible, I've never read Christian scripture. I am very familiar with the teachings of Jewish tradition though, and Jewish tradition is anyway about arguing about what scripture actually means and depending on the denomination you might think having one man marry several women is ok, forcing women not to leave the house is ok, or even that gay marriage is super ok. Basically, if your religion (meaning what you personally believe, not what some one else told you to believe) is worth its salt, you need to be honest with the people you love most, in this case your two men.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:13 AM.