Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-05-2010, 01:42 AM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 37
Default So there was a argument.....

Well not even that. Just a moment where I (the first wife) had a moment and didn't want the other girl around anymore. Not because I don't love her, not because I don't want her in our life to, but because of other real life drama. Drama that was hard to get out of.

How do you work through this as a family?

I don't want to go into details, but I know I hurt her and I know it wasn't the right decision because I do love her and want her in both of our lives.

Arguments..........I guess they happen in mono familes and they happen in poly families. It just seems so much harder in a poly life than it does in mono. As mono we can just move on together and get over it all and forgive one another. In poly it seems so much more complicated.

I know that this isn't the end of our triad. It's just the beginning. It's the beginning of the real world and things that come with it.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2010, 01:50 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Why does it have to be different? Why can't you work through it as a family? Why can't you get over it and forgive each other?

Srory I fail to see why this is different than being mono ...

Sometimes when reality hits the fantasy in the face, you need to work through stuff. Same thing happens when people marry ..All you can really do is communicate and work at it together as a family imho

of course this is without knowing any details...
Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2010, 02:37 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,265

Ari-I concur.

We have a bizarre quad (one member not sexually involved with the rest-ever).
See: myself, Maca *my husband*, GG *my boyfriend*, Em *my sister*

Recently we've had our share of issues.
Specifically resulting in me breaking up with my boyfriend GG.
But family is family. He's been part of our family for 17 years.
So-we all talked and agreed-yes right now a break up is necessary. He has some things to deal with. Until they are resolved, I can't emotionally handle the relationship at a bf/gf level of responsibility (doesn't matter why since we all agree).

Therefore-we sat out made a plan for how to get his shit dealt with most expediently and on we go as a family.

The thing is that too often people think of relationships as static.

"you are my husband"

and so what happens if I can't be "your husband" anymore?
Well then we end the relationship and terminate contact...

Um... .there's a better way-really I swear.

IF they can't be in that ROLE any longer-you work together to find a different role that is more suitable to the current circumstances.

When you start to accept relationships as being permanent, and the dynamic (role you hold) as being maleable then you give yourself MANY more options in resolving conflicts and problems.

"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2010, 05:32 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634

I think, if i am to understand correctly about your relationship being new (I hope I have the right person here).... that there might be a need to back way up, have some honest discussions with all involved... including EVERYONE. Then move forward to something a bit more realistic and tangible. Perhaps things went a little too fast into "family" mode without people getting to know each other and before everything was out of the bag about who you all are... Rome wasn't built in a day and fantasies of everything being love and roses are just that. Fantasies. That doesn't mean to say that things can't move forward, but we all come with baggage and that needs to be respected and worked through about how to handle that baggage...
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2010, 06:28 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130

Given the information available at hand (the assumption that you're a family, as I'm not privy to whatever info RP seems to have), I also agree with Ari.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to marry my husband is to make a clear, conscious commitment to deal with every problem either one of us has TOGETHER. When you're family, there's no such thing as "other real life drama". My husband is very much a part of my "real life" and any drama that happens to either one of us is family drama, not personal drama.

This may be one of the best indicators of whether or not you truly consider someone to be family. It's easy to be close and lovey-dovey when life is good. The real test of any relationship is, how does it look when life is not-so-good?

Before we got married, we dealt with deaths in the family, kids running away, job losses, moving cities, bipolar and/or depressed mothers, personal anxiety, self-esteem, selfishness... And every issue that we dealt with together made us come out stronger both as individuals and as a couple. It never occurred to either one of us to end the relationship on the grounds of life being hard. We saw the other in pain, and only wanted to help.
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2010, 09:20 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348

*waits for Violet to see this one*

Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:26 PM.