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  #1  
Old 08-04-2010, 10:38 AM
ellie ellie is offline
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Default Breaking Up

So I've posted here in here in the past and everyone has been wonderful. I really can't believe what has happened. I've been in an open relationship for a year and half, or so I thought. My ex has been seeing his secondary for around 5 months. I guess he's been putting us through a test (me and the secondary). I ended up sleeping with another guy once and told him about it. He broke up with me because he was testing me and the secondary. Giving us "carte blanche" do be open but he didn't want us to sleep with anyone else, while he could have outside relationships.

He said it's different for guys and girls. With girls it's more emotional. Are you kidding me? If he asked me to be mono I would have. I thought the whole concept of being poly was to have multiple caring relationships.

I told him I didn't want to sleep/or be with anyone else before, that he's the only one I wanted. The guy I ended up sleeping with was random and almost like a friend and I was feeling really lonely as he added a third into the mix as of late.

Any advice from anyone? I feel really confused and lost. I feel like I shouldn't have slept with the other guy. I even felt bad I did because I cared about my ex so much. I just don't get it.
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  #2  
Old 08-04-2010, 11:25 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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There's a difference between poly and open. Which one you are determines how over the line you were. If you're just open, then you're guilty of not letting him know first. If you're poly and you've determine that any sex had will be within an established relationship then you'd be wrong for 1) not telling him you were interested in this guy and 2) sleeping with this guy without officially being in a relationship.


Either way setting people up to fail like your ex did (you can sleep and have relationships with other people but if you do I'll dump you) is wrong. Dead ass wrong.

If I read what you wrote correctly he gave you the option of being open but didn't actually expect you to take it. Lame.
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  #3  
Old 08-04-2010, 11:37 AM
ellie ellie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FireChild View Post
There's a difference between poly and open. Which one you are determines how over the line you were. If you're just open, then you're guilty of not letting him know first. If you're poly and you've determine that any sex had will be within an established relationship then you'd be wrong for 1) not telling him you were interested in this guy and 2) sleeping with this guy without officially being in a relationship.


Either way setting people up to fail like your ex did (you can sleep and have relationships with other people but if you do I'll dump you) is wrong. Dead ass wrong.

If I read what you wrote correctly he gave you the option of being open but didn't actually expect you to take it. Lame.

I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

I did end up calling his secondary to tell her what's he's doing as she is also a mono (long story short, she didn't know about me until very recently, he refused to tell her). But I guess I look like the "crazy ex". I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.
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  #4  
Old 08-04-2010, 12:48 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

I did end up calling his secondary to tell her what's he's doing as she is also a mono (long story short, she didn't know about me until very recently, he refused to tell her). But I guess I look like the "crazy ex". I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.
1. He wants open communication but he didn't give it.
2. Again he set you up to fail and he's a douche for it.
3. What yall had wasn't really a poly relationship of any sort; he just used that to cover his cheating ass.
4. You're better off.
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  #5  
Old 08-04-2010, 01:08 PM
ellie ellie is offline
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I know I am, and thank you for your words. He's been there through a lot of stuff with me and it just really hurts at the moment. I was in utter shock as this is what he wanted not me (the openness). I even laughed and asked if he was serious as that was our agreement. Just feel like I gave so much and was willing to try at a new type of relationship like this. Ugh! lol.
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  #6  
Old 08-04-2010, 01:20 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Betrayal always hurts. Poly isn't for everyone but it's not all bad either. Don't judge the lifestyle by asses like him.

I'm really really sorry for what he did to you.
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  #7  
Old 08-06-2010, 12:26 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FireChild View Post
1. He wants open communication but he didn't give it.
2. Again he set you up to fail and he's a douche for it.
3. What yall had wasn't really a poly relationship of any sort; he just used that to cover his cheating ass.
4. You're better off.
I agree with every part of this post. Especially #4
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  #8  
Old 08-09-2010, 12:13 AM
DragonPie DragonPie is offline
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Wow.

What a manipulative asshole.

Trying to make it seem like it's your fault that something he didn't like happened even when you agreed to it is manipulative abusive behavior.
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  #9  
Old 08-09-2010, 05:59 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.
It was not a waste. Did you learn something new about yourself? Grow as a person? Discover more of what you would want in a new relationship?

If you answered yes to even one of those, then this was not a wasted year and a half. You are probably in a better position to get what you really want!
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  #10  
Old 08-09-2010, 02:24 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
Any advice from anyone? (
Walk on and leave that asshole far behind you.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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