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Old 12-02-2012, 02:12 AM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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Default Life is complicated. So much more now than a few days ago...

So wow, this is pretty crazy to me.

My primary and I have been in a poly relationship for a long time now, almost 4-ish years or so, and I wasn't the one who initiated the discussion about a poly lifestyle, but I was sure stoked about the possibilities. My partner had a long term secondary when we lived in the big city, and now we live in a small town, a move for my career, which is it's own can of worms. She's still in touch with her other man from our old hometown, which makes me happy, because they care about each other, and they see each other from time to time, which is great for them, and for me too. She's been looking for another man who's closer to our new home, and that's been a bit of a struggle since it's hard to find someone who she likes and who's willing to be a secondary in a poly relationship, but we're muddling through. A good friend of her's, who we've known for a few years, has been having a lot of marital trouble (ever since we've known her) and we've been trying to reach out to her, to help her get out of an abusive relationship. It's difficult for her to come to terms with her marriage not working, probably ending, and having to figure out how to make her own way in the world, and she's planning to come stay with us for a while while she gets things sorted out. Now none of this is an issue at all, in fact we're glad she's considering taking our help, but there's a wrench. She's really into me, apparently. Now don't get me wrong, I've always known she's got a good soul, and I've always had the thought that maybe one day we could be more than friends in the back of my mind, but she's always had issues with how she feels about leaving her husband, and she's always clung to the thought that they could work it out. Now she's sure they can't work it out and her guilt and apprehension about leaving him and wanting me have left her mind. I'm concerned about a few things. First, I'm struggling with the issue of how to be her friend when she needs friends to help out (she
's got two kids, it's not exactly an easy thing for her to do). My wife and I have lots of room in our house and there's no worries about accomodating them because they have no one else in their lives, but she needs a friend and she wants a lover. She knows the score, she knows I'm in a poly relationship and she knows about my wife's secondaries, that's not really an issue, but I'm having trouble reconciling being a friend to her and wanting to be her lover. It should be simple, because she wants me in her life as much as I want her. Should I just run with this and take what I want? Or should I be more slow and careful. She's vulnerable right now and I'm worried she just might be reaching for something because she's scared. Any input or insights would be much appreciated.
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:21 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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You're running the risk of being her rebound guy if the two of you go for it straight away. If you're hoping for something more long-lasting then wait a while and see what happens.
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:29 AM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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Thanks Emm, this is one of my major concerns, because my wife is one of her best friends and basically she has been our kind of silent go between for years. Our mutual friend (I'll call her Laura) has had feelings for me for a long time (almost as soon as we all starting hanging out) and I've had feeling for her for almost the same amount of time. Now it's a bit weird because Laura and I have never actually talked to each other about our feelings for each other but we both know we have them for each other (an artifact, I'm pretty sure, of her mixed feelings about the relationship she doesn't want to be in anymore). So I'm pretty sure she's not just on a rebound, but I don't want us just to be a rebound. We've both been pining for each other for a while now. Waiting seems like the obvious thing to do, but it's gotten painful, for both of us I think. I'm worried.
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:40 AM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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I'm really glad neither one of us can be rash. We live in different cities now and it's not exactly easy to drive of 6 hours on a whim to see one another, although I painfully want to, and from our conversations over the past few days she painfully wants to see me. This is so complicated. The poly living situation I think we can handle, but there are kids involved and an abusive husband and more than probably feelings resulting from recent events good and bad.
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:42 AM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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It's funny, when we starting in a poly relationship I thought that was going to be the issue, but it's all about the feelings and issues of monogamous relationships that make things messy.
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Old 12-02-2012, 04:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You don't mess with fragile. And in the midst of leaving the abusive husband? Not the best sense of timing. If there's magic there, it's still going to be there a bit later down the road.

So wait. Encourage her to file her injunctions and divorce petitions and whatever else she needs in her situation -- domestic violence support group?

But be a friend right now. That's the larger need.

Galagirl
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