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Old 12-01-2012, 01:31 AM
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Random Random is offline
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Default Oh where to start...

Hi All,

I am new here, but have been reading your posts for awhile now- research! It's too overwhelming for me to go into the long story, so I decided to start with the short story and question.

I have been dating a married man for almost 2 years, with his wife's knowledge and blessing. We have been a bit on and off- things initially were meant to be a FWB situation, but evolved into more of a love affair. It was much more intense than either of us anticipated. But my god- the chemistry is amazing. He is my best friend and I love him dearly.

In the beginning, I think the intention would be that we all become good friends- his wife doesn't seem to have many girl friends (just friends, not sexual). As things have progressed (long, long story) I have found that I am not really fond of his wife. I don't dislike her, but she just isn't a person I can see having a close friendship with. The only thing we have in common is the love of him.

Of course, my feelings complicate matters- bf would be best served if we were all buddies. My question is- can this situation succeed if I am not a huge fan of his wife? I think bf feels offense that I am not a fan of hers?

I do struggle with jealousy from time to time ( he doesn't have much free time, it is hard for us to see each other), but have been working hard to bring my thinking around to more positive and productive thinking..

I appreciate you all so much.

Last edited by Random; 12-01-2012 at 03:37 AM.
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Old 12-01-2012, 05:14 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I don't get that you're not a fan of his wife, just that if you weren't dating him, you wouldn't have reason to hang out with his wife unless you happened to be coworkers or something.

I've been having some talks about this subject myself lately. Perhaps if you ask him if his wife has a friend that he likes well enough but doesn't have anything in common with - does he feel obliged to hang out with both of them and be her friend just because his wife likes her? Not sure if his wife dates, but if she dated somebody who's a vegetarian golfer and he's a carnivorous football lover, isn't it enough that he likes and respects the guy, does he feel he should hang out with somebody he doesn't feel a good friendship with just because his wife would like it?

I'd just probably reiterate to him that I think shes a wonderful person and I don't mind being around her at ALL, but that Id be doing a disservice to everybody trying to force a good friendship when there just isn't the basis for one.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 12-01-2012, 07:20 PM
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Random Random is offline
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Posts: 17

Thank you Anne for your response. I like your idea/example that you provided. At times, I almost feel like it is "you had better be friends with her, or she will not allow this to continue". I tend to give in to whatever they want to do (nothig sexual, this is all public stuff- dinners, movies, going places) The pressure of it wears on me.

Because I am new, I was curious if anyone else had dealt with a controlling primary, as a secondary?
I have looked through many posts, and have not seen this situation much. In the beginning of our relationship, I would receive schedules for everything. When I would see him, when she would have him home, etc. I struggled with it- I tend to be a more spontaneous and easy going person. But went along, as it was easier to know what was happening. But I never was able to lose the feeling that she was bossing me around- that I needed her permission to do anything. Has anyone dealt with this before?

Thanks xoxo
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:52 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Posts: 41
Default 2 very important comments

Hi Random.

How much experience did this couple have with secondaries before you came into their lives? Is the wife experienced at secondaries falling in love with her husband? To me you made 2 very important comments that need to be explored with HIM:

1. I think bf feels offense that I am not a fan of hers?
2. At times, I almost feel like it is "you had better be friends with her, or she will not allow this to continue".

I would be open and share those concerns with him. Maybe they are coming from a real place that needs to be dealt with.

The fact that your feelings for him are increasing balanced with no desire for a relationship with her could be trouble.

My relationship started similarly although she and I were friends and she was actually the one that invited me in. I have limited experience outside of this couple, but after 5 years I can tell you this. As my relationship got deeper with her husband she became more defensive and needy.
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Old 12-02-2012, 12:22 AM
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Random Random is offline
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Hi W2BE,

Thank you for you response. I had been reading your story on here (prior to seeing your post), let me start by saying- I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

Neither of us have had any experience in poly- myself or bf and his wife. So this has all been trial by fire for sure. But the idea of this was hers- she brought it up to him. I guess they had discussed it in the past, and when she met me (bf and I were in school together, we were all out celebrating passing the tests from hell) she suggested that he bring it up to me.

I have always had a hard time communicating my needs in relationships, and I realize that communication is a key component in successful relationships, especially poly relationships. I have been working on it!

I am trying to get the courage to have a conversation with the bf- I do not believe that he is capable of fulfilling my needs in our relationship, due mainly to time and family commitments. He is just not available to me enough. So I want to have the discussion about me seeing other people, but I do not wish to give up our relationship. I love him, and the idea of losing him gives me such a pain in my chest- I do. It want to lose him.

I do not think he will be opposed to the idea, but am not sure. I do know that if I am allowed to seek to fulfill my needs with another partner, it will take a lot of pressure off of our situation!

Thank you all so much for your wisdom xoxox
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:08 AM
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Octovus Octovus is offline
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Location: Ottawa, ON, Canada
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Random, thanks for sharing. Your latest message, you've every right to pursue other relationships. Of course, you need to communicate this desire and evaluate your current guy's reaction; but I cannot see how, in a healthy relationship (overall), he could refuse. After all, he has his wife! He may have reasons, but I cannot see that in the end, long-term, they would be valid reasons to refuse your request.

My own scenario is, or was to start, similar to that of the wife in this story. As a gay man in a 4-year relationship, recently engaged, I didn't expect it, to say the least. And, similarly to the wife here, I felt that I needed to be better friends with the "new guy" (or gal, in your case) so that I could understand, appreciate and love the relationship. I felt that, unless I knew the new guy fairly well, it would be next to impossible to feel compersion (I find that an ugly word; these days, I prefer empathy or compassion, in the PASSION sense).

And you know what. I was at least partly right. Because you know what? I think you can probably look at the wife and see what's good in her. I think you can (should be able to) have a great chat with your guy about what he sees in her and why he (presumably) loves her so much. This DOES NOT mean that it will be stuff you have in common - heck knows. But you might learn a thing or two, and no doubt she can learn some great things from you, two.

I think we discount the opportunity to make new friends too readily. Yes, we may have full lives. In your case, it may help the relationship grow, so it may be worth the effort.

On a final note. If you really can't see good qualities in her, and/or he can't explain clearly to you what those good qualities are ("I just love her, don't question it!" Hmm...), you may need to question your guy's judgment. If he's so in love with a difficult to get along with person - a girl you wouldn't even be FRIENDS with - what does that tell you about him? (Not in a judgmental way - merely in a "is this a guy who is right for me as a major life partner" way.)

Good luck exploring your options, and sending you good vibes,
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