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  #1  
Old 11-20-2012, 11:58 PM
Saphire Saphire is offline
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My husband and I have been married for 18 years and are relatively new to poly. We started as swingers and came to poly when I started seeing the same guy for play on my own with hubbys permission. Well it started just as play then went to spending full dates, then an over night then weekends. I never thought feelings would get involved but they did and things have been workings well for about a year and a half.

Now hubby wants to see other women as well. Well, he always has just hasn't found anyone to see on his own. I have always been every supportive and wanted him to find someone because I felt guilty going off and him not having someone. He would play when we went to swing clubs but didn't have someone to see outside the clubs. Now he has found someone and they have a date set up and it is surprising me that it is bothering me. For Hubby party of letting me go spend time with by boyfriend is that it turns him on. The thought of me going, watching me get excited about going, and hearing about it after. The sex is incredibly between Hubby and I. But I don't have that response with Hubby going off. In fact quite the opposite. Watching him texting and getting excited has proved to be quite a turn off. And I can't figure out why.

I don't have this reaction when we go to the club. But their also isn't any build up and flirting for days/weeks before. We go with no expectations, if he meets someone he likes or already knows he can go play alone while I am with BF. It is just different. I have no idea why it is bothering me. I feel like I have no right to have this type of reaction after having been dating another man for a year and a half. Talk about double standard.

I don't know if it is about him going off on a date in general or if it about her. They have played some at the club. Just some oral because he didn't have a condom. She tried to talk him into having sex without the condom using information she had about me and my BF to push for it. We have become fluid bonded recently with Hubby's permission. She is good friends with my BF and knew this and I guess thought that if I was doing it that he should be able to do it on a first meeting. Hubby wrote it off as her being really drunk and promised it wouldn't happen again and he would never do something we aren't comfortable with. Just as I never would have if Hubby hadn't brought it up and been ok with BF and taking that step after so long. But my discomfort with her pushing for this on the first meeting may be coloring my feelings for this date. I don't know.

I haven't told hubby that I'm just turned off and it is why I haven't been wanting sex. His date is tomorrow and I don't want it in the back of his head and ruin his time. I am really hoping that once this first time is over I will get over this silliness.
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  #2  
Old 11-21-2012, 03:41 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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You may have a point that your feelings stem from mistrust of this woman. I don't blame you; pushing for no-condom sex outside of an ongoing relationship is, well, stupid. I recommend two rounds of paperwork first, 6 months apart, for all partners and meta-partners.

But you also trust your husband. He sounds reasonable.

I would tell him how you feel, being careful not to present it as "I don't want you to do this" but as "I'm just checking in, reporting where I'm at, but you go have fun, I'm dealing with my jealousy."

The anticipation is almost always much worse than the reality. Make plans with yourself to have a good time while he's away, and then see how it goes. Re-evaluate from there to see what you need next.
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Old 11-21-2012, 09:23 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I agree.

Your feelings are what you feel. They are telling you something. That pushing for no condom sex is a limit thing.

DH has unprotected oral sex with this girl on short notice. He promised it won't happen again, but did he apologize for it it happening at all? What will be done if it DOES happen? Don't just promise that it never will. It is unsettling to not know outcome/conflict resolution plan. What steps are being taken to ensure? Condoms on his person at all times? YOU insist on condoms with YOU and him having sex -- until sex screenings from him come back clear? Before continuing future fluid bonding?

What other things do you need for reassurance?

GG
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Old 11-21-2012, 09:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Your feelings are what you feel. They are telling you something. That pushing for no condom sex is a limit thing.

DH has unprotected oral sex with this woman on short notice. He promised it won't happen again, but did he apologize for it it happening at all? If he hasn't, is that causing you to feel emotionally unsafe about this developing thing?

Add to the mentally unsafe of not knowing if your fluid bonding to him and then bonded to her her thru him has made you physically unsafe? I could understand feeling yucky.

Don't just promise that it never will happen again. What steps are being taken to ensure? Condoms on his person at all times? YOU insist on condoms with YOU and him having sex -- until sex screenings from him come back clear? Before continuing future fluid bonding?

What other things do you need for reassurance? To feel more mentally at ease, emotionally at ease, etc?

GG
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:05 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Saphire,

It doesn't surprise me that you are struggling with your husband dating somebody else. It doesn't surprise me that it's not turning you on.

Everyone has a different response to poly activity and I don't believe that being turned on is the 'better' response. It's just a sexual response. Yes, it might be a response that's easier for everyone to deal with... but that doesn't mean that you are failing where he has succeeded.

To be honest, if we're going to get sexually psychological about it, being turned on by your spouse having sex with another is known as cuckolding and is more of a kink than a 'good' response to poly. It's a lucky side-benefit to being poly.

I have two opinions about the fluid bonding thing with this girl. On one hand, firstly, she's an idiot and obviously needs to look after her sexual health more. It is also, of course, disrespectful to your primary relationship guidelines. *But* .... don't let that event demonize her to give you an excuse to feel uncomfortable. It is all too easy to let yourself believe that you aren't feeling fear; that you just have a valid doubt about a new party. People do say and do stupid things when they are drunk and they can feed off the attitude of other people. They can also be naive about poly rules and see the person they are about to sleep with as a free agent, in that moment of time, able to make their own decisions.

That being said... perhaps now would be the time to consider some poly guidelines. Would you like to meet the girl properly and have a talk about some guidelines? Or perhaps have hubby talk to her on a more serious level, bringing his head out of the gutter for a moment?

Going back to your feelings... someone posted a really great excerpt from a book earlier, regarding jealousy. I've just been reading it and you can find it here: http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

My belief about polyamory is that there are two sides to the coin and each side comes with experience. You've had the experience of being the active poly partner, coping with any jealousy (or horniness) that hubby has had, learned to balance your time and attention.... etc. Hubby has had experience on the other side of the fence. So far, you haven't experienced everything he's gone through.... and he hasn't experienced being the active partner.

For me, being poly involves all of the following components:

* Empathy - can I understand my partner, nurture them and help them through any issues, when I am the active poly person?

* Balance - can I effectively balance my relationships when I'm actively poly? Is everyone getting what they need? Am I burned out from too many people, or am I fulfilled? Am I giving enough to each partner?

* Communication and strength - am I willing to tackle my jealousy, or will I blame my partner? Can I try to face my fears, and keep trying, even when I fail? Can I communicate my feelings - to reassure my partner, when I'm active, and to gain reassurance from my partner, when I'm jealous?

* Compersion - even on a very basic, minimal level... is there something in poly for me? Do I get some sort of happiness from knowing that my partner is happy? Even when I'm uncomfortable, do I believe in poly?

* Capacity - do I have the capacity to love/lust more than one, whilst still having the same, or deeper, feelings for those people? Or does lust for a new person make me crave an old person less?


To me... poly isn't just about being happy-go-lucky and feeling no jealousy. It's not about keeping up with your partner and expecting to feel exactly as they do.

I originally came onto this forum because, like you, I was struggling with the idea of my girlfriend being with other people. I was struggling with the fact that I seemed to be the more jealous of the two of us.

Over time, I've realised that jealousy can have a flip side.... I'm a very sensitive, empathetic person. I am great at being an active poly partner, in general. I am ridiculously patient and know how to make my girlfriend feel secure. I can balance very well and love her more with each new person that comes along. On the down side, jealousy/insecurity/hurt hits me harder than it hits her. Now she, whilst being lovely, is not as sensitive. This means that she is pretty good when I'm dating other people. Her jealousy is less than mine and disappears quicker. *But*... when she's the active one... she can be insensitive and selfish - which, in turn, makes my jealousy flare.

She used to think that she was 'better' at poly than I was, because she didn't feel the jealousy as strongly. I've come to realise that 'better' doesn't exist - you just feel what you feel. I'm sensitive - so I feel both empathy and jealousy more strongly. She's blunt - so she feels empathy and jealousy less strongly.

Don't beat yourself up about feeling bad. You are not a hyprocrite - you just feel the way you feel. Hell, it's *always* easier when we're the ones having fun! Imagine you're stuck in the desert and someone else is drinking a big bottle of water. The next day, you're drinking the water and they are not. Which day is going to be tougher for you?
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Old 11-22-2012, 07:20 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
To be honest, if we're going to get sexually psychological about it, being turned on by your spouse having sex with another is known as cuckolding and is more of a kink than a 'good' response to poly. It's a lucky side-benefit to being poly.
Not always. There is a lack of consensus on the specific definition of cuckolding, so your statement is true for some but innaccurate for others.

Within the kink world, cuckolding specifically refers to that behaviour when there's a power exchange, the woman being dominant over her partner, and the partner playing the role of victim in the exchange. The focus in cuckolding is the apparent degradation of her partner and the dominant woman fulfilling her desires at her husband's expense. Within the fetish, the man enjoys this degradation and role-played victimization. As a submissive, it is the humiliation that turns him on, the fact that his partner is [consensually] "forcing" him to watch

Simply being turned on by the thought of your wife with other men is not cuckolding. It's closer to voyeurism. That, in itself, would not be a kink. As a response to poly, it's neither positive or negative, it just is. Same way as jealousy is not inherently positive or negative, although your response to it can have positive and negative associations.
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Old 11-23-2012, 09:12 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Not always. There is a lack of consensus on the specific definition of cuckolding, so your statement is true for some but innaccurate for others.

Within the kink world, cuckolding specifically refers to that behaviour when there's a power exchange, the woman being dominant over her partner, and the partner playing the role of victim in the exchange. The focus in cuckolding is the apparent degradation of her partner and the dominant woman fulfilling her desires at her husband's expense. Within the fetish, the man enjoys this degradation and role-played victimization. As a submissive, it is the humiliation that turns him on, the fact that his partner is [consensually] "forcing" him to watch

Simply being turned on by the thought of your wife with other men is not cuckolding. It's closer to voyeurism. That, in itself, would not be a kink. As a response to poly, it's neither positive or negative, it just is. Same way as jealousy is not inherently positive or negative, although your response to it can have positive and negative associations.
I just wanted to say I'd second that. I'd elaborate but it sums it up pretty well.
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