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  #1  
Old 11-19-2012, 10:49 PM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Default How do i...

So I am in a relationship with Ben(bf of three years) and we are good together, we've been living together for a while, even moved half way across the country together. But needless to say we are together. We have talked about opening our relationship to swing, and I was uncomfortable about it, so we didn't.

Something changed a few weeks ago. I met another man that I was attracted to. He is attracted to me. He is monogamous, of a different faith(which promotes monogamy), and he knows that I have a bf. I have tried to let him know that I am poly without making myself out to be a whore/easy/slut, and I don't think it has worked. I want to let him know that I have permission to date him, and that we can go out and meet up without my bf there, but I don't know how.

X_X What do I do? How do I let him know that it's okay for him to date me?

I have talked with Ben more, and we've come to an agreement that we can go do our own thing outside of our relationship, he wants to swing and have fwb while I simply seek to have another bf or possible husband in the future.
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  #2  
Old 11-19-2012, 11:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He is monogamous, of a different faith(which promotes monogamy), and he knows that I have a bf.
If you KNOW all that why are you considering offering him a mixed-faith type polyship? And asking him to change a core belief of his about monogamy and go against his faith teachings to boot?

Just different faith paths can be a challenge in a relationship. And here it is different paths AND mismatch in what you want for relationship configurations.

If you want him to know you are poly -- tell him so. That still doesn't mean he's going to want to date you. But you could let him know.

"I find you attractive and would like to date you. I am polyamorous. Would you be willing to entertain talking about what dating a poly person like me would entail? If not it is totally ok to say no, not willing. But I did want you to know you are are an attractive person and I like your style. Paying you a compliment at least brightens your day, right? "

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-20-2012 at 03:27 AM.
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  #3  
Old 11-21-2012, 05:03 AM
summersolstice summersolstice is offline
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Well said, love.
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  #4  
Old 11-21-2012, 07:50 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I'm a great example of 'some choices defy reason' and possibly not a good one to talk. I also understand perfectly well loving two men, as I do.

But seriously-I have to wonder, if you have so much incompatibility with this person, what is it you DO have in common? Because attraction does not make a relationship viable (nor does love)....
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Old 11-22-2012, 05:59 AM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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He makes me smile, blush, and feel like I'm special. Don't get me wrong Ben can as well, but's it's refreshing to actually see it, feel it, and have it offered to me from another. I guess wanting to make it work with someone who would be extremely complicated to even have in my life just makes me stupid.

I think I'm going to crawl under a rock now.
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  #6  
Old 11-22-2012, 04:03 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by snowbunnie View Post
...I guess wanting to make it work with someone who would be extremely complicated to even have in my life just makes me stupid.

I think I'm going to crawl under a rock now.
Oh dear! You don't need need to feel bad! I, and most people here, don't think you are stupid - just caught up in the flood of new possibilities and attraction, which tends to make us view situations through rose-colored glasses and believe that all things are possible. (Which is likely some kind of survival mechanism - if we saw everybody's flaws in stark reality before we had a chance to get to know them and love them very few relationships would get off the ground )

Quote:
Originally Posted by snowbunnie View Post
He makes me smile, blush, and feel like I'm special. Don't get me wrong Ben can as well, but's it's refreshing to actually see it, feel it, and have it offered to me from another.
And there is nothing wrong with that! Enjoy it! Bask in it!

...but don't bank on it. Relationships are built out of more than attraction (or even love). Just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean that you have to pursue things to any particular level. You can enjoy a crush or a flirty friendship, enjoy his attention, etc. without necessarily taking it any further.

The folks on this board, looking at the information that you have provided from an outside position are just pointing out that poly (and relationships in general) can be hard enough without throwing additional hurdles into the mix. Especially, if this is new to you (and them). And communication - being such a foundation for any relationship, mono or poly, can be a real sticking point even if people speak the same language.

JaneQ
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Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
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  #7  
Old 11-19-2012, 11:25 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowbunnie View Post
I have tried to let him know that I am poly without making myself out to be a whore/easy/slut, and I don't think it has worked. I want to let him know that I have permission to date him, and that we can go out and meet up without my bf there, but I don't know how.
Why do you think letting him know you're poly didn't work? Did he not know what poly is? Did he not understand that you were saying you are poly? It seems if you told him you're poly and he knows what that is, then he knows you are free to date him. Is it possible because his faith teaches monogamy (which most world faiths do) that he gets that you're free to date but does not want to date a girl with a boyfriend, regardless? Or are you pretty sure he just didn't understand what you were saying?
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  #8  
Old 11-20-2012, 02:41 AM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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His english isn't great, which is why I am afraid it came across the wrong way. I am currently taking the Rosetta Stone class to learn his language so we can communicate better.

As far as the faiths go I am not trying to change what he believes, but simply to see if he was open to the idea of dating a girl with another man already.
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  #9  
Old 11-20-2012, 03:34 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes, but in dating him will being with you rain down all kinds of grief from his faith community, family and friends since his faith teaches monogamy? Will he be ostracized? If he doesn't think of it himself if he ponders dating you, you may have to ask it of him to be clear.

And NOW there's a language hurdle too. That's another major hurdle to overcome.

Isn't there anyone around that is easier to date that is more compatible? So you can find out what you have in common without so many layers of penetration to have to wade through?

It's not a bad thing to be in a mixed relationship but it isn't as easy stacking up 3 major challenges on there like mono-poly, faith, and language!

Just because you feel an attraction doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. That's why it is DATING. You try to up the odds of success.

If you are determined, just tell him. What language is it? Spanish? Since you note it is south texas?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-20-2012 at 03:40 AM.
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  #10  
Old 11-20-2012, 04:14 AM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Yes it is Spanish.

It wasn't until I met him that I even seriously considered dating outside of my current relationship, I personally find it very hard to find someone that is attracted to me, so now that I actually have someone that is interested, I don't want to just pass on it because it's complicated and not easy.

I think it's a good idea to consider seeing others and not just this one, and I will think about it.

Last edited by snowbunnie; 11-20-2012 at 05:29 AM.
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