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Old 11-19-2012, 03:11 PM
Archaeolibris Archaeolibris is offline
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Default Where doyou meet people to share with your partner apart from 'poly community' events

This is my first post on this forum, so hello to all of you and thanks for taking the time to consider my question. It's a simple one: if you were looking to meet a potential date to explore ménage à trois with your committed partner, where would you go to meet such a potential play mate if you find you don't really fancy going to 'poly-community' events and activities?

Let me explain a little bit about myself and why I ask. I've been in a committed, very loving and sexually gratifying open relationship for the past 2 years or so. After making a few colossal mistakes in the beginning, the 'open' part of our relationship feels great now, and is pretty much only used occasionally for little flings that are not meant to interfere with the time and energy that I and my partner normally spend on each other. Recently, we thought that it might be fun to make love to another woman together (something neither of us have tried, the threesome): my partner is a straight man, but I am very bi and have dated many women.

We are both turned on by the idea . . . and then hit the reality of how difficult that might be to find: someone who we're both attracted to and who wouldn't think we were gross or crazy for looking to flirt as a couple with another woman. Both of us would be happiest avoiding 'poly-potlucks' or 'meet ups' or other 'poly-community' activities (though obviously we know we would have better luck finding a willing partner in such a place). I'm not here to diss folks who do enjoy being a part of a poly social scene--to each their own happiness--but it's just really not for me, and my partner feels much the same way. I suppose I just see sexuality or sexual preference not as something you are, but as something you do, and while you could say that I'm in a functionally polyamorous relationship, I find that this tends to be the most that I have in common with folks eager to label themselves as 'polyamorous.' I also find internet dating sites and seedy adult personals tough to see working for me-- I've never been comfortable or much satisfied in our society's electronic or actual meat markets. So then the question remains . . . how and where do you think I (or my partner, or both of us), could meet and actually get to know someone who is interesting, attractive, and down with us both for some adventure? For those open couples who have had success with this, please tell me about how and why it worked for you. What advice do you have about pursuing someone for a fling with your partner?

I should add that we are not looking to add someone to our relationship in the long term . . . we're happy as we are, but it would be really lovely to meet someone, flirt, talk, do some things together, maybe end up in bed all three of us just once or a few times . . .
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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The title of your post sounds makes it sound like one could "share" people like a plate of hors d'oeurves that you pass around at a party. To each his or her own, but it is no wonder poly groups are not your thing.

Basically, it sounds like you both really only want to focus on recreational sex rather than relationships, and since polyamory is not about sex, you would probably get better results in the swinging community.

There are plenty of sites that are dedicated to swinging, and even organized swing and threesome events at meetup.com. If you live in a more populated place, you can probably find some clubs or people who host private parties where you can meet people looking for NSA hookups. I think you will be most successful that way, because I am sure lots of people are also looking for that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-19-2012 at 06:41 PM.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:52 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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IAW nyc. In all the poly groups I've attended, people who attend for the sake of getting laid are generally frowned upon.

Also, you are not looking for poly, you're looking for swinging. I say that without judgement, but rather that you can have better luck finding what you want if you're clear about what you're seeking.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:38 PM
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I don't know where you'd go in real life to do that, but adultfriendfinder.com would be an online place to look for that besides the sources Nycindie suggested.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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If you have friends that you find attractive - that is one option. They may not be interested or find you both attractive in turn but you do start with a measure of trust in an already existing friend relationship.

Some poly communities - like mine - do list swing events on our meetup listings. Others separate out swinging (or kink events etc.) very strictly from poly.

If you google search for swinging sites, you can quickly find some options for online listings. There are also swing clubs that may be an option for you. You can google that too fairly easily.

Out of curiosity, what would you and your do if a potential is attracted to one of you but not the other? Say thanks but no thanks?
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:53 PM
Archaeolibris Archaeolibris is offline
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Quote:
The title of your post sounds makes it sound like one could "share" people like a plate of hors d'oeurves that you pass around at a party. To each his or her own, but it is no wonder poly groups are not your thing.
Ah I thought this was what might happen . . . I would be looked down upon as a "swinger" . . . something I would never use to label myself, nor is it a community that I have any contact with (or wish to), just because I mentioned sex for fun. My boyfriend and I don't "swing" . . . which is to say go out together as a couple to swap, share meet . . . whatever . . . with other couples or singles. We are simply free to pursue our attractions, (whatever they may be) like adults, so long as we're honest with each other. As I said, this usually takes the form of short-term involvements with other awesome people, but not always. The label I use is "open relationship" which I think is a good umbrella term for a variety of non-traditional, non-monogamous relating. What to call it has been the least of my worries . . . what to do about it sometimes is.

So am I textbook polyamorous? I suppose I just don't feel like that is the most important question . . . and that was part of my turn-off to the poly community: everybody seemed eager to label me in ways that I felt didn't describe me at all, and were mostly interested in 1.) coming on to me in ways that were overly-permissive and uncomfortable 2.) making sure that my relationship followed a bunch of books on polyamory that I was not allowed to question or disagree with 3.) trying to sell me sex products. Frankly very few folks seemed to want to get to know me or to hear about how I 'do' love, they were more concerned if I was doing it their way, if I was really 'one of them.' That mostly convinced me that I didn't want to be.

So apparently I have to prove myself: In addition to my boyfriend I have an ongoing work and romantic relationship with a German man who is also in an open relationship of 6 years . . . he currently lives abroad but we have been sexually intimate and speak several times a week, collaborate on art installations and academic work together. I will see him for probably a month come March. He is a brilliant person who invigorates me intellectually, trusts me deeply and cares about me personally, as I do him. My partner and I have both dated people while also dating each other, having relationships lasting many months. Frankly, the sex I have with other women or men . . . even if I'm not looking to date them long-term, tends to be highly meaningful sex with a lasting personal connection . . . not this objectified passing around of a person "like a plate of hors d'oeurves" as you assumed. That's just not how I tend to do things.

I felt drawn to polyamory discourse because it seemed there would be some people there dealing with the sorts of situations and emotions someone in my place would be. Is it then your contention that polyamory is only polyamory if you intend all of your relationships to be multiple and permanent/long term? For my own part, I don't label myself . . . I am just me, and what I do romantically is closer to what all of you seem to be doing that what monogamous couples or swingers do. That said, you guys seem definitely not to want to claim someone like me

Any honest responses to my questions are indeed appreciated. Thank you to those of you that responded kindly with your ideas.
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Old 11-21-2012, 03:56 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Archaeolibris View Post
/ So then the question remains . . . how and where do you think I (or my partner, or both of us), could meet and actually get to know someone who is interesting, attractive, and down with us both for some adventure? For those open couples who have had success with this, please tell me about how and why it worked for you. What advice do you have about pursuing someone for a fling with your partner?

I should add that we are not looking to add someone to our relationship in the long term . . . we're happy as we are, but it would be really lovely to meet someone, flirt, talk, do some things together, maybe end up in bed all three of us just once or a few times . . .
All of my NSA three(or more)some experiences have evolved out of sexy friendships / FWBs type situations with people that I already knew or knew of ("friends-of-friends") and who already knew what types of things they might expect from me ("Here comes JaneQ...looks like she's on the prowl...don't worry, she'll tone it down if you tell her you are uncomfortable...")

In general, since I am more "sexually aggressive" (i.e. a shameless flirt) than MrS, most of these encounters have been instigated by me...with the exception of my first FFM threesome*. That first time, his ex-girlfriend-then-FWB (SweetPea in my blog here), approached me with a proposition along the lines of: MrS's birthday is coming up and she thinks that MrS would enjoy a threesome with some hot girl-on-girl action and she knows I am attracted to him and she thinks I'm cute and would I consider being a third?

Other encounters:

MrS's close friend VV was having some bi-curious feelings and asked him to keep an eye out for a likely candidate, when he and I started to hook-up he let her know I would probably be game. VV and I started to play together and sometimes invited MrS to play along with us, or with us and another girl that one of us had found to play with. (VV has now been my FWB for close to 20 years - she has a male SO and, in accordance with their agreements, threesomes are off the table with another male - although he did arrange for a mutual female friend that she had played with before to join them as a "birthday present")

Then there was the time that I seduced a bridesmaid at his ex-girlfriend's wedding and asked her if she'd like to join me and MrS back at the hotel for some post-reception sexy-fun-times...

Then there was that Halloween party where everyone was about half-naked anyway...or that party on the night that we set the clocks back for "Daylight Savings" and we decided that nothing that happened in the "free" hour "counted"..

In summation, I guess my advice would be: Cultivate friendships with attractive, interesting, sexually adventurous people and then be open to the possibility of seizing on opportunities as they present themselves.

For us, it seems, the "birthday present" or "special occasion" excuse for hedonistic behavior seems to work - no pressure or expectation that it needs to happen again (although if it works well - no reason you can't later say - "We really had a great time last fall...any chance that you'd be interested in re-visiting that?")

That's just my experience...YMMV.

JaneQ

*PS. You can read about the hilarity that ensued as a result of this first attempt in my "Journey" blog - the Threesome Tangent post.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #8  
Old 11-21-2012, 08:18 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I have done MMF and FFM threesomes. In every case one party brough up that they were interested in doing so and the rest agreed. In all cases we had some level of friendship.
One case the tree of us worked together, another I was dating him, worked with her, another fwb with her and open relationahip with him, another I was married and he approached her, another I was married and we alproached her, another dh & bf set it up for the night prior to a major surgery I had as a gift to me. In all cases both men were straight. All the women were either bi or lesbian.
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