Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-17-2012, 11:06 AM
hylierandom's Avatar
hylierandom hylierandom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the trailer park.
Posts: 12
Default Help the n00b?

What do you do when you've found someone who says they are ok with you having others...but really are not?

Do you take them at their word?

I am JUST getting out of a marriage.
I am just starting with a lovely woman...who's giving me signs that make me think she's very NOT ok with...what I told her I was looking for.

Which is a few good friends to have sex with...not seriousness, not monogamy.

I will never be chained by my word and left desperately lonely as my soon-to-be-ex did.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-17-2012, 07:20 PM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 700
Default

What do you do? Find another partner.

Me, I'm so done with people who say 'okay' but mean 'no way.' So done.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-17-2012, 07:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,481
Default

You get the clarify.

"Look, you SAY you are ok. Your ACTIONS of ____ indicate you are not. This mismatch is confusing to me. Please clarify.: Are you actually willing to go there and need adjustment time of ___ weeks/months? Or not actually willing to go there and just putting off telling me that and setting yourself and me up for hurts? I am willing to be friends, it isn't like I will disappear."

If the answer is not a loud, pom pom waving "YES! I WANT TO GO THERE WITH YOU!" type response? If it is a "maybe," or "no?" Call it a "not willing at this time", be friends and save all grief.

ACTIONS speak louder than TALK because sometimes people are unwilling to speak up clearly or unable to speak up at all. But the behaves can plainly be seen.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-17-2012 at 10:09 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-17-2012, 09:49 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default so long as real communication took place

and on your end of the two way street of communication there was nothing that you didn't divulge for whatever reason, it sounds as if they may not be compatible with any form of non-monogamy.

But it would be best to to judge not from the issue you present here, but how they react after the fact. Everyone makes mistakes and to truly be free in terms of giving, receiving, and sharing Love (which is another way to say 'experiencing' or 'L I V I N G' ) because if you are speaking truly intimate relationships that are much more than sex, what most people would call polyamory, it takes being able to be self reflective, honesty, AND being able to communicate. You must genuinely know yourself and all but requires you to follow a code of ethics when mistakes are made, and mistakes will be made. It's not the only way to be successful, but it is drastically improves the likely hood of finding others who you may not be compatible with. It is good to remember that you can spend ten years trying to be poly with the wrong persons and it will not happen. Not unless one of you is willing to abandon yourself. But abandoning your true self dooms most people to misery no matter what they do.

If you have honestly not failed to communicate with full disclosure your thoughts and feelings from your end, and they told you it was OK when it was not, unless they take a minute to recognize that they were in the wrong for whatever reason you will probably end up in a world of emotional hurt. Being able to communicate honestly is easier to learn then the process of truly knowing yourself. If they don't know themself it isn't smart to continue to pursue a poly life with them. If they were just irresponsible with their words, not all hope is lost, but typically the biggest indication of whether or not it will work is their reaction after the mistake.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-17-2012 at 10:00 PM. Reason: typos
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-20-2012, 12:22 AM
hylierandom's Avatar
hylierandom hylierandom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the trailer park.
Posts: 12
Default thanks...

The more I butt up against it, the demand of being able to have others, preferably others who are NOT just casual sexual partners, but real and meaningful "significant others"...the right for me to seek this feels like a "hard boundary." As in the right to do it isn't something I am willing to give away.

...She flipped out when I asked her if she wanted to know about the others, you see. My ideal is that my others can also care about each other, so that they are friends and/or lovers as well.

I'm going to take her at her word...That sounds callous. It IS callous. It's looking like either that or walk away from her as a lover...
So I guess my goal is to build up HER self-esteem until she either (a) feels secure with my poly-ness, or (b) feels special enough to tell me to get lost because she can't take my poly-ness.

I seem to have a really mild case of Dissociative Identity Disorder, btw...so it's not like I necessarily constitute a single partner...in the first place, you know?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-20-2012, 01:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,481
Default

If being in polyamorous configurations is a hard limit for you, that is fine. You are YOU. You can have what you want for YOU.

Quote:
...She flipped out when I asked her if she wanted to know about the others, you see.
WHEN did you become a polyship? Was it with both agreeing to it? And when did these other partners arrive on the scene? Did you have others without her KNOWING you were wanting an open relationship?

If you are in poly relationship with her already, why would she wig out that there are others now? Knowing and being jealous is one thing. Not knowing it was happening and flipping out when coming to find out -- that's another. What's going on here? Could you please clarify how this all went down?

Quote:
My ideal is that my others can also care about each other, so that they are friends and/or lovers as well.
You cannot dictate what she and your others want to be to each other. You can hope. But actually? That is THEIR relationship tier to develop. Not yours. They may not wish to be friends, much less lovers.

Quote:
I'm going to take her at her word...That sounds callous. It IS callous. It's looking like either that or walk away from her as a lover...
So I guess my goal is to build up HER self-esteem until she either (a) feels secure with my poly-ness, or (b) feels special enough to tell me to get lost because she can't take my poly-ness.
Take her at her ACTIONS. You can clearly see her hesitation and hurt in continuing it.

I'm not hearing "let's stop and come to a compromise or come to a parting" here.

I'm hearing -- "learn to deal with it or just break up with me. I'm doing what I want. "

She is not happy in it. You are not happy in it. If there is anything but an enthusiastic "YES! I WANT TO POLY!" the kinder thing is pause and see if you can come to compromise. And if not? Come to parting. Set her free and break up with her even if she doesn't have the words to break up with you. Short term unhappy for both so both can try to be happy later.

In continuing your partner's suffering rather than ending it for her? That is indeed callous. Not flattering to you. I would suggest you reconsider how you are treating her. I am hoping it is your writing style and not your actual treatment of her. Because that reads really rough, dude.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-20-2012 at 01:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:24 AM.