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Old 11-16-2012, 12:42 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default opened up, hurt someone...

I am 27, and I am in a relationship with a boy similar age as mine.
We have been together for nearly 4 years now, we talked since the beggining about the very fact that even starting up monogamous, at some point we would hook up with someone, and that this would be ok, eventhough we have never had it in a relation before and knowing that it would be hard since it is a new thing for both of us.

We both avoided in some occasions to hook up with other people because we thought it may hurt our partner based on the moment we were at in our relationship.
In his case he avoided it because he thought we weren't in a right moment because of a period with arguments, in my case, because I thought it wasn't the moment too, and more recently because he is being ill for 2 years and a half.
The illness has not exterior symptoms, though makes him tired a lot of the time and the thought of going out partying makes him more nostalgic about how he was feeling before than actually having fun.

So we talked about me hooking up with other people since he has been ill, about me feeling strange with the idea, because I didn't want him to feel like the illness is the reason for me to look for other sexual partners.
He explained that he is not expecting me to not do this because he is ill and that it would be as ok as if he wasn't ill.

So, 2 years and a half with the illness and we are working and hoping for recovery, during this time, same way as when he wasn't ill, I've missed some invitations and flirtations but 2 weeks ago I finally went along with this one and actually had very nice sex with this boy about my age, I've explained both him and my partner what happened and all of them were happy enough with it.

I spend the next weekend after the hooking up with my partner together in the countryside,
coming back to the city, on the next weekend, I went out and I hooked up again with this boy with whom I hooked up two weeks before.
Is when I explained it to my boyfriend that drama occured.

He now is really upset at me, because I haven't left much space inbetween one first hook up and the other, he says I literally have hooked up with this person every time I've gone out at night since the first time. And now it just feels like boom, there is a sudden lifestyle change.
He also has a lot of feelings about the fact that he doesn't go out like me so he is not part of this possibilities himself and the fact that this makes him realise he is not part of the same nightlife I participate and lots of his friends participate with.
I feel very sad because I knew I should have left more time inbetween a first and a second time but I didn't do it and I just followed my impulses
and because my boyfriend thinks is just me that is having fun. And I'd like it if he had fun too, also because I selfishly predict that it would make things less stressful.

I want to see again the boy I hooked up with, I really liked the lusty sex we shared and at some point I would like to repeat it, but now my boyfriend is so hurt that I feel I am in no position or in a very bad moment to talk about any of this.

Apparently it really hurt him the way I oppened up about this second time, I read the ethical slut recently but that obviously didn't give me enough skills to explain sensitively about this second time...
I did it late, 4 days later than it happened, because I thought the previous days were too stressful to communicate this, but that is not what bothered him,
is the fact that somehow I haven't been sensitive enough.

I am scared of how much I hurt my boyfriend, I realise what I did could have done better and now I don't know how to talk with him about this again.
Because I thougt I was being sensitive, but it didn't work at all...
I realise aswell that the issue of him begin ill eventhough what previously has been said is sth that accounts as a high stress factor in this situation, and I don't know how to go with it without feeling terrible.


Last edited by deadstars; 11-16-2012 at 01:16 AM.
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Old 11-16-2012, 01:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,217

Well, you both learned something here. Whether this is swing or polyamory...

Apologize for the ding. Ask for his forgiveness since it was not intentional, and ask if you can make amends. (To self, listen to gut to slow things down more next time. Your gut was trying to tell you something important.)

Let him know you are sorry he hurts, and you feel bad for that. But since there was no map to follow...well... there was a ding. It def was not intentional, you are a newbie too. Let's move it forward and discuss then so next time it be less of a ding to him. How would he like the "reconnect and digest" time to be like? What does he need in the recconect and digest that you can provide? How about you? What do you need from him? Where is the happy medium? Negotiate and make a new plan to take this into account.

1) Some "reconnect and digest" time is still going to be needed with established BF in between your dates with the new partner.

2) Some clarification if this new partner is going to be a sex playmate, a friend, a romantic partner, or some mix and match thing as it unfolds. (Sort out your model and vocab so you are on the same page. )

I am not clear if this is about casual sex on the side. If so, that seems more like swinging. In this article on open relationship models -- that's a 1a perhaps? Is that what this is and what you are after? Are you and BF clear on what your open model is after? Make sure you both are envisioning the same thing.

3) How you and BF plan to digest #2 if NOT envisioning the same thing. May take a dating time out to get sorted first.

4) How new man will digest all this and sharing your time/attention with BF. (You are now the shared sweetie, so you deal with that with him separate from BF once you are sorted? What are the new guy's wants, needs, and limits here? What does he think you have with him?)

5) What sort of rship does BF want to have with his new metamour person if any? Just polite distant people -- if other guy calls and BF answers he is just basic polite and passes the phone to you to deal with? Does he want to be friends? What does the other guy want in this department?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-16-2012 at 04:09 AM.
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Old 11-16-2012, 02:09 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8

thank you a lot galagirl, it is going to be a good guide on how to sort out the situation...
At the moment I'm gonna go and think about all this. Digesting sounds pretty much like the point we are at now...
Thank you again.
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Old 11-16-2012, 03:44 AM
DJandBri's Avatar
DJandBri DJandBri is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Eugene OR
Posts: 14
Default sorry we cant help

But we do thank you this is good knoweledge. The only advise we could give would be end it with both of them and see where your feelings wonder....
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Old 11-16-2012, 06:34 AM
pinkhop pinkhop is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7

Here's the things that come to mind for me.

I would spend some time figuring out what specific parts of the experience didn't work. Like 2 weeks was too close together for him. Does he think once a month is more reasonable? does that work for you? or is it less about the actual time and about something else? Taking some time to really dissect can help get clarity for the future. It doesn't you'll never have an issues again.

I think there's an aspect of opening up that you really have to be in good shape with your partner and assume they have good intentions, and them about you.

In terms of the illness, it sounds like he might still be working through coming to terms with the changes it has caused in his life. That's something he needs to do work on for himself. This is especially true if it's a chronic condition.

Following that, it sounds like he might feel left out and like a part of the connection between the two of you is missing because of the changes to his health/life. Have you guys found a new way spent fun/exciting time together that he can do and is special for you? Having and activity or ritual or regular date night can really help with the reconnecting part that Galagirl talked about.

I assumed a lot from what you said, so if anything seems wrong my apologies and feel free to ignore.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:13 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8

hey pinkhop, well at the moment I am not going to touch the negotiation part, because he seems to be still digesting all of it, and is still really painful. I can wait for this part until he has recovered from the bad emotions caused by the news. But thank you for the suggestion on times.

You are right about the finding a special moment, days after the first hook up we had some nice time together me and my boyfriend when I invited him to see one of his favourite bands that was playing not so late at night, and now I invited him again to something nice on the weekend.

Hopefully the illness is not going to be chronic, but we don't know when it is gonna end yet.

So I am at the very point of digesting and reconecting for what I can see through your answers, and it's nice for me to know that and to have more ideas on how to act on this phase.

and to djandbri, thanks but I kindly discard your proposal, it only would cause more drama and I don't see it necessary at least from my part, but thanks for the good intentions.

Thank you all
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