Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-21-2010, 07:10 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Question Married and in love with 2

I've been married for 11 happy years and could not imagine a better husband. We express our love to each other in many ways every single day. I always imagined that people who have affairs are seeking something that is missing or unhappy in their marriage, but lately (the past year) I just can't deny that I am in love with another man. I think about "polyamory" and wonder if this describes my mindset. I don't know.

Just as we can fantasize about all sorts of sexual situations we really wouldn't feel comfortable acting out, I can imagine that I would love to have multiple lovers in my life -but I suspect that my marriage would lose its uncommon sweetness. Especially as I can't imagine my husband ever wanting me to be with another man. I'm not only the only woman he's been with, but the only one he's ever even kissed, or fallen in love with, or been close to in any way other than family closeness. He is totally content that way. (I, on the other hand, love to sift through memories of the other men I had been with before we met.)

This other man... he lights me up inside. He breathes passion back into my life. He understands parts of me that no one else does. (He has known me about 20 years.) He also makes me feel so incredibly sexy that whenever we spend time together, I end up running off to my husband afterwards for incredible hot sex for days, or weeks. At times, that has repaired some stale times in our marriage.

My husband is happy with me having friends, male and female. He is content with my going off dancing every week while he stays home with the kids. (Sometimes I take a daughter with me; rarely, we get a sitter or the whole family goes.) He is not a jealous man and has befriended every ex-boyfriend or ex-lover of mine he has met, with honest gratitude for any happiness they had given me. Yet I know his pride would be crushed if he thought I needed another man as a lover. He has traditional ideas about marriage. He grew up in another culture, more restricted than ours.

My "other man" lives a couple of hours away, so we don't meet often. He has a girlfriend, and a kid living at home, so we are alone very very rarely. We don't intend to have sex, because of the hurt it would cause others and the risk to our friendship. (Not that it would destroy the dynamic between us, but that our loved ones would no longer want us to be friends.) I can make that sacrifice, much as I know I'd enjoy being his lover. My heart aches for him sometimes though. We talk on the phone sometimes and an hour flies by before we get out half of what we wanted to say.

I guess what I want to know is whether polyamory, the concept, the lifestyle, the perspective, has any answers for me. If it's really about multiple "loves", more than just about multiple sex partners, then is this what I am living? How do I do this without causing anyone pain? My husband knows I enjoy seeing the other man, but does he need to know I enjoy kissing him too? Should I stop kissing him, as one friend of mine advises? (I feel more guilty about loving him -something I can't help -than about kissing him.) I have told my husband that I feel more sexual when my friend compliments my body or looks at me like he wants me -but should I tell him when he had that "highest climax of his life" the other night, it had a lot to do with my friend having recently whispered orgasmic descriptions of my favorite fantasies in my ear?

What to do?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-21-2010, 07:23 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,702
Default

try doing some searches on here. there is a lot of info and a lot of what you talk about has been discussed before. you are not alone
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-21-2010, 07:55 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default Sorry for the bluntness but...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
My husband knows I enjoy seeing the other man, but does he need to know I enjoy kissing him too? Should I stop kissing him, as one friend of mine advises? (I feel more guilty about loving him -something I can't help -than about kissing him.) I have told my husband that I feel more sexual when my friend compliments my body or looks at me like he wants me -but should I tell him when he had that "highest climax of his life" the other night, it had a lot to do with my friend having recently whispered orgasmic descriptions of my favorite fantasies in my ear?

What to do?
Poly does have something to offer you. It has an avenue to recapture some lost integrity I think. I doubt that many people would not consider the actions described above as anything but an affair. I'm not judging but trying to point out what I believe is obvious.

If you reverse the situation and it is your husband who has another woman whispering fantasies in his ear and kissing him without your knowledge would you see it any other way?

You have already crossed certain boundaries I believe. Unless you plan on stopping the above mentioned behaviour than I think you owe it to your husband out of respect to broach the topic of polyamory to at least give him the option.

Either way, you're on a path that I am not unfamiliar with. Please don't think that I am attacking you, but please don't think that your husband won't be affected by what you have already done.

If you love your husband then don't play him for a fool....because that is probably what he will feel like unless you are honest with him.

Give poly a try if you love both of them.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-21-2010 at 08:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-21-2010, 08:37 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Thank you, I don't feel attacked and I do appreciate bluntness. I have already labelled this an affair in my mind. I feel like I am living this compromise between what I'd really like and what I know my husband would prefer, and the fantasy whispering was certainly taking things beyond where I had meant for them to go. (It happened once. Kissing crept in years ago, with those innocent little cheek pecks getting bolder over time.)

I have reversed the situation in my mind, and really my husband is such a one-woman man that the thought of him with another woman is actually exciting to me -in fact, I had quite a erotic dream about it a few nights ago. If the possibility of it happening seemed more real to me, I might feel differently. He is so different from me in that regard, I really can't compare. I fantasize about all sorts of things (threesomes, exhibitionism, etc.) and his fantasies stay more in the realm of sex on the beach with me. I might go so far as to say, he's just not as sexual a person as I am, although he is always eager and willing when I initiate it. When I don't, he has contentedly done without for months at a time (such as when I was pregnant and breastfeeding and had no libido). Thinking about another woman whispering fantasies in his ears, well -I guess I'd like to think his sex drive was strong enough to want that!

Of course I owe it to him to be honest, but in fact I'm just so scared. First, that our marriage would develop awkwardness and tension. Second, that he'd be hurt. Third, that he wouldn't want me around my friend any more. (They are friends too, but only through me. My kids love the man.) And I feel 99% certain that he would not even consider polyamory. Basically, it would be a conversation with so much to lose, and what to gain? Honesty? I told him once that I often develop little crushes on men, especially when I go dancing, and that they make me feel good. He said, "Well, what can I say?" and changed the subject. He really doesn't want to hear it.

I get that polyamory is honest, so what I'm doing is cheating. Without the fun of actually having sex with another man. I justify it because every time I see my friend, I come back to my husband feeling happier, sexier, and more in love (with life, with everything), and I see him being happier because of that. Our marriage had turned into a roommate thing after babies, and conversations (not kissing) with my friend turned it around. I've told my husband a lot of this.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'll work this out somehow.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-21-2010, 09:09 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I justify it because every time I see my friend, I come back to my husband feeling happier, sexier, and more in love (with life, with everything), and I see him being happier because of that. Our marriage had turned into a roommate thing after babies, and conversations (not kissing) with my friend turned it around. I've told my husband a lot of this.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'll work this out somehow.
I wish you the best...I do see some positives in what you are bringing home..it's just a matter of reducing the negatives.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:00 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,702
Default

Anotherconfused, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You have not been faithful in terms of the bounds of your marriage as it seems that a kiss or two and fantasy talk are out of bounds, but you are in no way in a position to regret having sex with the man. You know it wasn't right and now don't do it again.

I don't see any problem with you starting the conversation about poly in terms of generalities. Give yourself a break on the kiss/whisper thing and use it as a learning tool for what you think you might want in the future. Market it to your hubby as such and start talking.

Ask him if he really is uninterested or is just nervous about it and why? Perhaps its a can of worms he doesn't want to open right now and that should be respected. You could tell him that you can wait, but will be bringing it up again in a set amount of time, because it is important to you... This way he will have time, can learn a bit perhaps on line or elsewhere, and can be ready for the talk. Maybe this will be of help to him... think of who he is as a person and then ask. Don't assume you know how he will be or has been because of past actions. Ask... might as well start with some good communication. You will need it anyways if you go down the poly path.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-22-2010, 10:39 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145
Default

redpepper and Mono give good advice.

Also, since your husband has never been serious with anyone but you in his life it might be good to talk with a therapist -- it might help to have someone who has seen a lot of human behavior say, "You know, relationships really do come in shapes and sizes other than monogamous one-on-one, and I know many such relationships which are beautiful and healthy." A wise professional may be able to say things to your husband that would disturb him deeply if they came straight from you.

For this I recommend phoning around and finding a therapist who has counselled poly couples before and who seems to fit your personality. Consider whether your husband would more comfortable hearing this from a woman or a man, too. If you've never done therapy before: a professional will not judge you or your husband, will not take sides, and will concern himself or herself with helping you understand yourselves and your marriage.

Your description points up something very important about poly: your friendship with the other man does not detract from the love you give your husband, it enhances it. When you come back from meeting your friend you want your husband more, not less. In my (limited) understanding, that's what poly can do: add to the total love in relationships.

Be careful, though. Men who are relatively inexperienced sometimes get ambushed by emotions that they don't know they have. Guys who have been through several infatuations, romances, and breakups have felt some of these things and kind of know what to expect; your great guy may not.

I know you'll be gentle, but...well, be VERY gentle!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:31 PM.