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Old 07-20-2010, 04:53 AM
Limerence Limerence is offline
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Unhappy Dealing with the loss of a close friend who used to be my primary

I'm currently going through a very tough separation from a close friend who was at one point my primary partner.

Let me say first that I do not plan on playing the blame game, I'm just very hurt and looking for some advice on how to cope. I made mistakes in the relationship, just as she made mistakes in the relationship.

Its tough because we had known each other for five years, and our relationship was completely long distance. The only time we ever actually 'talked' was on Skype. She lives in Mexico, I live in the United States, but we were still very close and loved each other very deeply. We became emotionally involved with one another after she was dealing with growing apart and eventually 'breaking up' with one of her previous close friends, I would say that person used to be her primary partner. I made sure I was there to help her and support her. I know it sounds like she might have been using me just as a rebound to get over her previous primary, but I don't think she did it on purpose. I think she did it without even realizing it and without malicious intent. I wouldn't trade the time we spent together for anything. We were extremely close, talking every day, almost attached to the hip. I realize now that the relationship was very codependent, we both realized this, talked about it, and tried to make it work.

Now, for the past few months she had been becoming very wrapped up in her school work, and we didn't get to talk as often. Not only was I sad because of this, I was also sad because she was going through a very tough time in her life emotionally and there was nothing I could do to help her. I think now that I might have tried too hard, I should have let her try to deal with her problems on her own, while still letting her know I was there for her. She eventually became distant and I panicked, because I felt like I was loosing her. We talked about it, and we both agreed that we weren't meeting each others needs. I couldn't meet her need of space, and she couldn't meet my need of attention. We decided that I was going to try and work on my codependency issues (god knows I have them) and she was going to work on her issues. Now, from time to time I would crack, I would panic, and I would worry, and I would vent to a mutual friend. Not about the girl of course, it was more along the lines of 'holy crap, I feel like I'm loosing her, I can't help her, and I have no idea what to do.' I would worry about it to the point where it made me sick.

The girl and I were still in contact, and I thought everything was going well. Then, the mutual friend I would vent to deleted me from her Facebook friends list. I had no other ways of keeping in touch with her, so I asked my previous primary to send her a note asking what was up. She said she would, and I thought everything was fine.

Then, I leave for a day, I come back, and I notice something: My previous primary is no longer on my list of Facebook friends, and I cannot access her page. I panic. My twin sister eventually shows me a note that my previous primary had sent to her, detailing everything.

She said that I had become too dependent on her and the mutual friend, to the point that I wasn't living my life. I had backed them against a wall, was practically stalking them, they said. I was looking for attention and pity with my constant venting. They were going to cut off contact cold turkey in attempt to help my behavior.

Now, before this I had gone onto her Deviantart, where she had recently posted a journal, and I asked her if she had quit Facebook. She had told me that they were cutting off contact cold turkey in attempt to help me because 'enabling and coddling will only make it worse'. The note was just a bit more detailed.

She had blocked me from her Deviantart and deleted me from her Facebook page, so I sent her an email saying that yes, I do think this will help me change my codependent behavior, but I asked her if this was a permanent thing, where they never going to talk to me again or would we renew contact once I was more recovered? I told her that I was very sad our relationship was over, but I was glad that it happened. So far she hasn't responded, so I'm just going to leave it alone.

Now, I'm not trying to play the victim here. I will be the first to admit that I am very codependent, and it is something that I DO need (and am trying) to work on at the moment, along with my social anxiety. I made mistakes and had problems in the relationship, and so did she. I think one of my problems was that I put her on too high a pedestal, I viewed her as perfect, I think that's making it much harder for me to forgive myself. I keep having relapses to where I think 'Its all my fault...if only I had said this...if only I had done this...if only I wasn't so codependent...'

I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying not to mull over it too much or obsess over it, but it still really hurts.

I think the thing I'm most upset over is that there was no sense of closure, There was no goodbye, it just kind of happened.

I was wondering if anyone else here had advice on how to deal with a breakup? Or if anyone had advice on how to deal with getting over codependency/getting out of a codependent relationship?

Anything is much appreciated, thank you.
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Old 07-20-2010, 06:42 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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I highly recommend Codependents Anonymous. You should be able to find meetings in your area through a Google search. Sadly, there aren't as many active groups and meetings as there probably should be. (ha, or am I just being codependent in saying that?)

Immaterial
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Old 07-20-2010, 03:53 PM
Limerence Limerence is offline
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I think joining a group like that, or at least finding a therapist that specializes in codependency would be very helpful. I'll definitely look into it. I also picked up the book 'Codependent No More', so hopefully that will help too.

Thanks for your advice!
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:45 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Al-Anon meetings are readily available and can really assist with these issues!!!
Good luck!!
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The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 07-21-2010, 03:08 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Limerence, you sound like you're really hurting.

Loss is really hard. The mind gets used to depending on someone -- even on activities, not people -- and when that suddenly disappears there's a terrible void.

It takes time to fill the gaps where someone used to be. Time and patience, the two things that are almost unimaginable when psychic pain is involved. One wants it to stop right now. One just wants to have it back the way it used to be, before things hurt so much.

A therapist will almost certainly help. My feeling is that you would be best served finding one who fits your personality rather than looking for one who deals in co-dependent behavior as a specialty. But that's just my opinion.

In the meantime, try to find something to fill the gaps even temporarily. Maybe open up your life in some other way -- start a new exercise regime, find a new hobby, take a long weekend and go somewhere new. Basically, the idea is that your life was structured around her Facebook page, her emails, her Deviantart pages. So change the structure!

Just a thought. May be off base. Good luck!
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