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Old 11-09-2012, 05:51 PM
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LilacViolin LilacViolin is offline
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Default Relationship in turmoil

Hi.

Programmer and I have been dating Rose for two years. We started out as a triad, then moved to more of a Vee, with me as the hinge. Programmer and Rose had sex when I was there but really didn't connect as lovers emotionally.

As time went on I began to lean more on Rose emotionally. Programmer as aspergers and is not very good at emotional 'stuff.' I am very emotional, loving, passionate, activist, etc. It was easy for me to focus that emotional energy on my relationship with Rose. Programmer was absolutely fine with this - he'd had enough trouble with my passion overwhelming him.

Things got difficult in other aspects of my life and I began to lean on Rose more and more. It wasn't intentional. I knew I was driving her away and just didn't feel like I could stop. She set very strict boundaries. It has been hard, but I knew I had to respect them (and that they were healthy for ANY relationship) or we would break up. That's where we are right now. Since everything came to a head we have seen each other a few times. The one time we were at her house we had amazing, passionate, almost angry sex. so much pent up, it wasn't expected but I think it helped us a bit. I'm not sure.

We have gotten the distance we need. I haven't asked to see her, we've had healthy conversations, conversations about being poly, what each of us needs, etc. Things feel distant but like we're at least we're communicating.

I'm supposed to see Rose tomorrow. I am nervous and excited. We're best friends first, you know? I don't want to lean on her too much, I want to "just be" but I worry about it. When I asked her how she feels about seeing me tomorrow she said she does not feel anything. Honestly, that hurts my feelings a bit but I can't criticize how she feels about something.

To add more to it, Rose goes to visit Orchid next weekend. This is the first time they've seen each other since before Rose and I met. I am so happy that they're getting together. (Rose lives near me, Orchid lives in UT) I know they love each other, things are flirty and fun for them. I am online/email friends with Orchid, and I really think she is lovely.

I'm not jealous but I wish that Rose and I still had that. I guess it is more nostalgia than anything else. Rose and I agreed that, if we get back to a good place, we will go away for the weekend sometimes, we will write sweet things on FB, etc. (We had kept our relationship hidden before - yuck)

Oh, to add more to the story. Rose and her parenting partner plan to move away in a few years. One of the places they've considered is Utah. (Parenting partner is Rose's ex, they will not live together in Utah) At that point we both know that our romantic relationship (if it comes to that) will move to being best friends. I am absolutely ok with that. We've also talked about my coming to Utah to visit. About the possibility of that being a romantic encounter, with or without Orchid. But that is a few years away.

It feels like I am really feeling good with the long term, I know my wants and needs, and I don't know what the short term looks like. That is tricky.

Advice? Words of encouragement?
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  #2  
Old 11-09-2012, 06:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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What is it you need more of to best tend to your emotional health bucket?

You can't turn to Programmer to share that side of you because he struggles with the Aspergers. You overdid it with Rose and she asked for some space.

So where do you express your emotional inner life at?

What are you really asking when you ask this:

Quote:
I'm supposed to see Rose tomorrow. I am nervous and excited. We're best friends first, you know? I don't want to lean on her too much, I want to "just be" but I worry about it. When I asked her how she feels about seeing me tomorrow she said she does not feel anything. Honestly, that hurts my feelings a bit but I can't criticize how she feels about something.
What causes worry?

Did you want to hear a "Yes" answer to the question of "Are you looking forward to seeing me tomorrow?"

Something else? What were you hoping for as an answer?

Galagirl
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  #3  
Old 11-09-2012, 08:12 PM
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LilacViolin LilacViolin is offline
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Gala, I don't know what I need to tend to my emotional bucket. More friends for sure. I don't want to go off searching for a true love to share all of my emotions, but some day I may let life lead me toward another person. Not now though.

I talked to her about my feelings of disappointment when I asked her what she was feeling about tomorrow night. She was tired and just missed that line in text. She said she was feeling fine and comfortable. She's a more low-key person so "OMG, I'm so super excited, eeep!!" would not be typical for her. She also said that she would really like for us to have sex. After other conversations, she knows that I am not able to do this without the mutual understanding that we're giving it another go. I said this again and she agreed, so that feels good (cautiously).

I worry that I will lean on her too much. It is hard for me (HUGE personality) to be with someone who gets overwhelmed by my emotions. Believe it or not we've been together 17 years. But we've always had enough other people around that he could get a break. Now, living in someplace fairly new, he's stuck with all of this personality and it freaks him out.

Btw, totally in therapy
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Old 11-09-2012, 08:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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So it sounds like you live some place new and could perhaps make more friends to spread it around some and have a wider support network?

Galagirl
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  #5  
Old 11-13-2012, 02:49 AM
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LilacViolin LilacViolin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So it sounds like you live some place new and could perhaps make more friends to spread it around some and have a wider support network?

Galagirl
Yeah, I've really been working on that. I think that Rose and I *may* be ok but only if I have some more support. I thought about dating someone else along with Rose but I don't think it is the time for that. I am a very emotionally intimate person though, not unhealthy but that's my personality, and it is almost easier to date than to have friends.

Still, seems like friends is the way to go.
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  #6  
Old 11-17-2012, 04:40 AM
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LilacViolin LilacViolin is offline
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Update:
Got lots of reassurance from both Rose and Orchid. I should feel so awesome that they're together for the weekend.

My behavior wasn't so hot this week. I freaked out a few times, asking for reassurance, repeating myself. I'm not worried that Rose will want to have a monogamous relationship with Orchid after this weekend. I *am* worried that I have stirred things up with Rose and that we may not get back to where we were because of that.

All that being said though, I think Rose (and Orchid probably) understand that Rose's visit is difficult the first time. The next one will be easier: I will know what to expect, and I will know that Rose loves me just the same when she comes back.

But...how do I get through his weekend? Yipes.
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Programmer - Spouse of Lilac, bisexual man
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