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  #1  
Old 05-31-2009, 11:56 PM
Paula Paula is offline
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Default We are new to polyamory, guidance please

Hello Everyone, I have a story to tell and have been longing to tell it. And I welcome oh so very welcome anyone who can guide me and my husband on our new journey.
We are new to polyamory. I am a Social Worker and a MSW/counseling student. My story begins about two years ago when in a marriage and family counseling class I was being taught about marriage, couples, divorce, step families, extended famiies, and bare just barely the gay and leabian lifestyles. I realized no text book nor any professor can teach/taught about the alternate love/lifestyles. For example open marriages, swinging lifestyle, Polyamory etc... So began to do my own research. I fell in love with Polyamory, the concept, the premise. I began to write my papers and focus towards poly. My husband at the time completely monogamous thought I was nuts. I love the belief. and any where along my way any one please correct me if i'm wrong along my way here. Poly seems to be broad from loving friendships to loving committed intimate relationships. And what, there are something like 6 billion people on the planet and I don't think any one has a right to dictate who someone can and cannot love, weather multiple or one love. So after two years of my husband hearing me talk about Poly, asks if I like to open up our marriage, of course I said yes. However, Open seems too recreational for us. we are looking for long lasting, friendships, relationships, and eventually once we establish these friendships intimacy, depends on what particular relationship but yes i'm sure intimacy. and I have several questions I have been so so longingly have answered please oh please I need guidance.Ok some questions. Such as if your married or a primary couple, how do you keep you marriage and primary relationship strong? How do you still remain the center i should say? How do you keep the secondary (or more) relatonship strong? Married or primary couples do you have rules for your partner like when they are getting to know someone new like if your not in a relationship with a couple, such as taking the time to get to know someone before you are intimate with them, or sharing details about when you were alone with your secondary with your primary? and especually at first what about jealousey? how do you combat that, coming from a monogamous relationship into a Poly one especually at first i'm thinking jealousey wuld play a factor it is after a natural human emotion? And how do you meet other people weather us being married and wanting to meet a one to shar ourselves with seperately, or us meeting a couple together. how do we meet realpeople. We under no circumstances are looking for recreational sex, we want to bond, friendships, lasting relationships, yes intimacy. Not one one night stands. Anyone open to the challenge of guiding Newbees Please Help your always welcome
Thank You
~Paula~
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  #2  
Old 06-01-2009, 12:45 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Welcome to the forum. I can try to take a stab at a few of your questions. But they are just personal opinions and your milage may vary.

Such as if your married or a primary couple, how do you keep you marriage and primary relationship strong?
I think you do the same things that you would do as if you were monogamous. The only thing different is you may have tougher constraints on your time when you are with other people you love. Otherwise, just make sure you two are communicating and are happy with each other.

How do you keep the secondary (or more) relatonship strong?
Most answers in poly boil down to "communication" and "being open with your feelings and desires." Each situation is different, but just make sure the lines of communication stay open and everyone can get their feelings known.

Married or primary couples do you have rules for your partner like when they are getting to know someone new like if your not in a relationship with a couple, such as taking the time to get to know someone before you are intimate with them, or sharing details about when you were alone with your secondary with your primary?
I think this varies a lot with comfort level and what works for everyone. This is something that should be negotiated, but with thoughts of revising agreements as time goes on and you learn new things. A lot of dealing with being poly is learning a lot about what you and others can be comfortable with.

and especually at first what about jealousey? how do you combat that, coming from a monogamous relationship into a Poly one especually at first i'm thinking jealousey wuld play a factor it is after a natural human emotion?
Accept that people do feel jealous. I think it is a useful way to understand what you are feeling deep inside. Jealousy tends to manifest from either envy or insecurity for most issues. If you can figure out which it is, you can then begin to work through the problem instead of treating the sympton of jealousy. For example, one couple I knew, the husband was feeling jealous because his wife could get a date in a hot minute and it would take him months. So he should focus on dealing with the envy.

And how do you meet other people weather us being married and wanting to meet a one to shar ourselves with seperately, or us meeting a couple together. how do we meet realpeople.
That is a tougher one. You could try poly conventions or poly friendly conventions like BDSM, comic-cons or sci-fi cons. You can try social networking sites like okcupid or facebook. You could just be open and you may stumble across a relationship.

I wish you well in this.
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  #3  
Old 06-01-2009, 09:49 AM
Paula Paula is offline
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Quath,
Thank you so much for your quick response. I valued your information. And as you have said everyones situation is different and I'm sure I will be hearing from people with many variations, views, situations along my way. I really liked what you had to tell me about jealousey you brought a very very good point of view to my attention is it envy or insecurity? And yes work on that problem.
Again Thank You Very Much I really appreciate your taking the time to help a newbe out.
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  #4  
Old 06-01-2009, 12:46 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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Heyla and Welcome!

As Quath said, communication, lots and lots of communication, honestly, theres no such thing as talking too much, err not that I've found.

Jealousy may or may not be an issue, if it is, be honest and let your partner/s know, and just try to figure out how to not let it overshadow everythign else.

as to where to find folks? okcupid is good sometimes, theres also alot on there looking for a quick hookup, so tread lightly if your wanting more. I'd also suggest any local festivals, for instance there is a Highland fest about an hour from us here, and we have a Renessaince Festival in the end of summer here. You'll find alot of open minded people at such gatherings, at least thats been my finding. Be open, be yourselves, a new love may find you before you know it.

Good luck to you both, may you find all your looking for
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  #5  
Old 06-01-2009, 08:26 PM
Paula Paula is offline
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Vampiresscammy,
Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate you sharing your view with me. So far sounds like there can never be enough communication, communicate, and honesty. If you or others read my reply now this brings to my attention if i mayask, do you (or anyone) see the men in poly relationships to be more communicative,or attentive, or responsive to their mate/s than in the traditional monogamous relationships. And another question am I right to think there is a difference between an open marriage or relationship and the poly relationships? Open seems very ecreational to me, whereas poly seems to be on a much higher deeper commitment, what is your (or anyones) view between the two?
Thanks
~Paula~
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  #6  
Old 06-02-2009, 03:32 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Paula,

Before entering a polyamorous relationship I was married monogamously for sixteen years. Although I am not personaly polyamorous, the communication between my girlfriend, her husband and me is second to none!

More attentive? I would say definitely yes because the need to communicate requires more attention which promotes deep closeness. The likes of which I have never felt. There is also struggle there for sure.LOL! But all relationships have that.

I will agree with you about "open relationships". To me it is the depth of polyamorous connections that set them apart. I would not want to be in an open relationship but will work to flourish within a poly one. I respect the caring and have little appreciation for recreactional sex..although I thought that would be my nature...strange how you learn things about yourself.
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