Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-06-2012, 05:04 AM
Sannafrid's Avatar
Sannafrid Sannafrid is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 13
Exclamation He wants to introduce me to his girlfriend! Help!

Hello everyone. I should begin by saying that I recently moved away from the man who has been my best friend and primary lover for the past year. He and I are still seriously involved, we're doing very well, and we seem to have our long-distance relationship figured out. He and I are both very sexual people, and we've always had an agreement that it's not a problem if one of us has sex with someone else. We communicate with each other clearly about who we're having sex with, and my current situation in my new town is not breaking any rules my primary and I have. So there's the background story.

For the past month, I have been going on dates/having sex with one of the friends I've made in my new city. He is in an open relationship with another woman. He has told me that she struggles with jealousy, and even confided to me that he suspects she isn't as comfortable with him sleeping with other women as she says she is. She has set restrictions on when and how often he can see me and what we are allowed to do when he's with me, which I think is fair. After all, he is *her* significant other first and foremost.

This past weekend, she told him that he is not allowed to see me again until she meets me. He says that she wants to be sure she can trust me. I am interested in meeting her; she has a doctorate in the field I'm going into. However, I am also very intimidated. I am several years younger than both of them, and I feel that effects the power dynamics of the situation. I am also afraid that she will really hate me after she sizes me up, if she doesn't hate me already.

Has anyone ever been in an analogous situation? Does anyone have any advice on what to do or how to handle meeting your secondary lover's primary? I don't want to cause problems in his relationship. I am trying to decide if I want to go through with meeting her or if I should just bow out, let it be, find someone else, etc.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-06-2012, 06:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,901
Default

This is how all that reads to me:
I am willing to meet because
  • She and him have agreements between them to meet, which I think is fair. After all, he is *her* significant other first and foremost.
  • She wants to meet me to put name to new metamour face. See about building trust as a meta and maybe alleviate her worry / jealous of the unknown?
  • I am interested in meeting her; she has a doctorate in the field I'm going into.

I am not willing to meet because
  • I am several years younger than both of them, and I feel that effects the power dynamics of the situation.
  • I am also afraid that she will really hate me after she sizes me up, if she doesn't hate me already.
My question to you is... Which "inner voice telephone call" are you willing to answer at this time?
  • The one speaking to willingness to date this man, allow him space to meet his agreements with his other partner, build some basic trust/manners with this woman who is now your metamour?
  • The one speaking to ageism/lack of confidence and fear/worry?

Which of the two helps feed your "I can handle things in my life" bucket?

You are the captain of your own ship -- you get to take/make the call based on where your willingness happens to be at this time. Neither is "right" or "wrong."
Just... "at this time where is my willing at?"

If it were me? If I wanted to continue building relationship with this man? I'd go meet the new meta. It's not a big hardship thing to ask. Just a "meet & greet?" I do not find that unreasonable. Nobody is asking me to be her best friend or anything.

A reasonable kindness for to my Sweetie's Other Sweetie? It is also a kindness done to my Sweetie. Is this Sweetie worth the trouble or not? Only you can answer that.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-06-2012 at 03:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-06-2012, 10:20 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 825
Default

OK, I'd try to remember that hearing things through an intermediary is often jumbled, and not focus on being told "I'm not allowed to see you again unless you meet my girlfriend" since there's the possibility that it was "Hey, I feel totally uncomfortable with you liking them so much, I'd really like to meet them before you go out again". Because that intermediary can often shorten things for convenience and give the totally wrong idea.

Me? I'd meet them. Maybe it works out great, maybe you realize they are a possessive insecure paranoid freak and you decide to leave the relationship you are in that seemed fine a week ago because it turns out there's veto power you weren't aware of. Maybe you make a new best friend, that you keep even if you break up with the partner. If you meet them you're much less likely to look back on it and wonder what if...

Feel free to reach out to them in email, don't expect your partner to do the best job of introducing you two. Get it over with, putting off nerve-wracking stuff usually just results in a lot of nerves over nothing. Don't feel afraid to ask to meet her alone if you want, or all together if you'd prefer it - for drinks, for coffee, for a long chatty dinner, at a mall, the zoo...whatever would make you comfy. Suggest a couple things and let her know you're open to alternatives. Get lots of sleep the night before. Remember she's as nervous as you, and once you meet there's a 96% (no really, that's a scientific fact I just made up) that both she and you realize there wasn't anything to panic about.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-06-2012, 11:46 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 429
Default

It's a big leap from 'she's struggling with jealousy' to 'she might hate me or already hates me'.

Meetings like this are nerve wrecking, sure, but is it really so nerve wrecking that you are considering to give up on what otherwise seems like a promising new relationship, not to mention the possibility of meeting someone interesting?

If it were me, I'd take the chance. But I guess a lot depends on how much you like him, and how invested you are in making things work with him - invested enough to do something that feels like a challenge, or not?
__________________
early forties, straight.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-06-2012, 03:29 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In a flat place in the middle of the US.
Posts: 95
Default

To me the red flag is "be sure she can trust you". Trust you to do what?

It doesn't sound like a good basis for a relationship, but I think it'll self destruct if you don't meet her. You need to take care of yourself in that situation and like above posters said, it's ok to set some rules yourself, like she doesn't get to dictate your relationship with him. Maybe my idea of a poly relationship is different from some other peoples' but I think everybody should be equal and independent and no one owns anyone else.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:44 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 817
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar View Post
To me the red flag is "be sure she can trust you". Trust you to do what?
Trust you not to break the heart of the man she loves and leave her to pick up the pieces? Trust you not to be trying to Cowgirl the relationship? Trust you not to be a bunny-boiling psycho? There are any number of good reasons to want to at least meet your (potential or actual) metamour.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-08-2012, 05:46 PM
Sannafrid's Avatar
Sannafrid Sannafrid is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 13
Smile

Thanks, everyone! I am meeting her tonight. She is coming to a weekly meditation group that her boyfriend and I attend sometimes. It'll be a relaxed, no-pressure environment. Depending on how we all feel afterwards, the three of us may go out for drinks or something. It looks like this will work out just fine. Thanks again.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-18-2012, 06:53 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 700
Default

Any update? I'm dying to know how it went...
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-18-2012, 07:44 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,238
Default

I know you've already got your answer and have met her, but I'll still chime in with my experience here.

I always want to meet the partners of my partners. You can tell a lot about a person by the people with whom they choose to form relationships. I don't like to be some faceless "other woman" and meeting me helps them see me as a real person. I also want to make sure they aren't cheating on their partner, and meeting the partner removes any doubt of that.

When I started dating my girlfriend, her husband insisted on meeting me "before naked happened." I was fine with that. Now her husband and I are friends. We both sew and we have fun talking about that.

While it's not always the case, it often happens that people tend to date the same type of people. That means that there's a good chance your metamour is someone you can be friends with.

In my case, meeting my metamour worked out extremely well. He's gone to bat for me at times where my gf didn't approve of something I was doing. He showed her the situation from another angle and literally fought my battle for me, before I even knew there was something we had to discuss. By the time she told me about it, it was more like "I was upset with you because of ___, but I talked to Chris about it and he made me realize I was being foolish. I'm over it now, but I just wanted you to know what had happened."
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-22-2012, 04:20 AM
Sannafrid's Avatar
Sannafrid Sannafrid is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 13
Default

Sorry it took so long to post the outcome of this. It went well. My meta and I got along pretty well. However, I haven't seen her since then, and he tells me she is having a lot of trouble with jealousy lately :/ So I guess meeting her helped me, but it didn't do much for her.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
meeting jealousy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:26 PM.