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Old 07-06-2010, 11:47 PM
Dory Dory is offline
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Thank you for your bravery. I am feeling your pain. This has taken several attempts to write... I am Mr Rustyís wife. We have been together for 30+ years, for the last couple of years have had to be apart during the week for job reasons and have children who are now older teenage/young adults. J at first was adamant that it was pure friendship and now has discovered how much she feels for him. They have been developing a relationship for several months and after a traumatic weekend with the 3 of us together discovered the website in May which explained how he had been feeling for years. He is excited, I am devastated. He says he cried when he read the posting from Hurtís wife; how many nights and days have I cried?
I have a very difficult weekend ahead. They are spending another time together.
Since the end of May they have had a weekend and 5 days together. They have taken my feelings into account and come to a compromise, in that they slept together but with pyjamas on and no sex. I found that so difficult. ..
I find the enthusiasm and pressure to accept is exhausting. What will I accept in terms of frequency of visits? Why donít I want them to have sex? It should be natural for him to talk about what they have done and how she feels etc. I know it is what this site says is what should happen, but it hurts so much to even think about the relationship being there, let alone having to negotiate decisions. At least our children are independent enough not to be affected greatly. Itís easy when he seems to have everything to gain and I can only see what I am losing. He tries to reassure me, but he has been my partner, best friend and soul mate for so long and now he will be spending time with her and I am left alone. Why is that emptiness called jealousy? Why is that something I need to deal with because it is wrong? He says there is a better place beyond this, I hope so because I donít like it here.
I am not sure if this lifestyle choice is one that I want. I need to find out if it is what I want, rather than something I am prepared to put up with. So that I can answer this I am having to tell him that he can come to me when he wants, and only when he wants, not when he feels he has to. I am having to tell him that his relationship with her can be expressed as they wish. I have to let them be free, even though it is not what I want.
I have to know that he really does want me for who I am. I hate the recent change of personality that this has caused in me. I was referred to as being Ďone of lifeís rocksí, I have been a jibbering wreck. I need to feel that he does love me as he says. If he does, how can he not care about how I feel and what this is doing to me?
It doesnít matter what I do or how many people I am with, because this weekend I am totally alone.
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  #2  
Old 07-07-2010, 12:54 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dory View Post
I have a very difficult weekend ahead. They are spending another time together.
Have you spent time with her? Has she come to visit? has he given you the space to get to know her and develop you own thoughts on her? Have she reached out to you? Have you reached out to her? These are ways to make it easier... this is what has been proven to work, 9 times out of 10. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it could be the start of something incredible.

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Originally Posted by Dory View Post
They have taken my feelings into account and come to a compromise, in that they slept together but with pyjamas on and no sex.
No one should have to compromise. They are doing it because they are concerned for you, but also want to be together.... it is a baby step to a future where they will be sleeping with pj's off. That is all, compromise is a nasty word for "I am not getting my needs met." If one isn't getting their needs met then the work isn't done and it is all in a state of fluidity and still moving.... you are also working towards getting your needs met... that is part of it... keep at it. But don't ever settle for a compromise... if you are settling, keep moving at a pace that feels comfortable. keep thinking up your boundaries and make goals.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dory View Post
I find the enthusiasm and pressure to accept is exhausting. What will I accept in terms of frequency of visits? Why donít I want them to have sex? It should be natural for him to talk about what they have done and how she feels etc. I know it is what this site says is what should happen, but it hurts so much to even think about the relationship being there, let alone having to negotiate decisions.......Itís easy when he seems to have everything to gain and I can only see what I am losing. He tries to reassure me, but he has been my partner, best friend and soul mate for so long and now he will be spending time with her and I am left alone.
I feel for you... my heart aches to think of what you are going through, but it will get easier and you are on the right path. Try and find the positives. What can you be doing for you to turn yourself into a better person through all of this. I know that sounds like a bullshit question, but if you can manage to find ways to be independent and keep your own life moving forward for the better you will be better for it, he will be better for it, your kids will be better for it and so will your relationships with not only your husband, but yourself. You are number one... it's been a long time, but remember when it was just you? Be that person again while also being with the two of them... (as you know, it is really "the two of them" she is now a part of your relationship with him... even if she is a white elephant in the room at the moment).

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Originally Posted by Dory View Post
Why is that emptiness called jealousy? Why is that something I need to deal with because it is wrong?
Jealousy is not wrong! It feels weird because we are not used to feeling it. It is the bodies reminder that it needs something both mentally and physically and it isn't getting it... keep working at getting what you need. Look beyond what you think it is to basics... you may need company, you may need relaxation, you may need closeness... if you aren't getting that, then find it. Your husband will not always be available, but you can find it regardless. Get to the bottom of it because it is there and it can be satisfied. Just for you. That empty feeling is a clue to what is going on. Not wrong or bad, a clue. change the language in your head and perhaps you will look beyond the emotions.

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Originally Posted by Dory View Post
I am not sure if this lifestyle choice is one that I want. I need to find out if it is what I want, rather than something I am prepared to put up with.
You may decide that your needs will never be met and that you don't want this so much that you don't want him anymore to be your romantic and loving partner. That is sad, but a reality in making yourself happy again. Only you know that and whatever your answer is at the end of the day, will be the right one for you. Keep searching, processing and working at it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dory View Post
So that I can answer this I am having to tell him that he can come to me when he wants, and only when he wants, not when he feels he has to. I am having to tell him that his relationship with her can be expressed as they wish. I have to let them be free, even though it is not what I want. I have to know that he really does want me for who I am. I hate the recent change of personality that this has caused in me. I was referred to as being Ďone of lifeís rocksí, I have been a jibbering wreck. I need to feel that he does love me as he says. If he does, how can he not care about how I feel and what this is doing to me?

It doesnít matter what I do or how many people I am with, because this weekend I am totally alone.
you are doing awesome... so brave. Keep at it. You are never alone. There is always us to read about and talk to and you have some catching up to do with yourself... try to see it as yay! you time... start planning... you could have a really cathartic experience if you decide to.
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  #3  
Old 07-07-2010, 02:15 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dory View Post
Thank you for your bravery. I am feeling your pain. This has taken several attempts to write... I am Mr Rustyís wife. We have been together for 30+ years, for the last couple of years have had to be apart during the week for job reasons
are you still living separate during the week? Do you get ANY time with him during the week or weekends so the two of you can reconnect as a couple after being apart during the work week?
Quote:
J at first was adamant that it was pure friendship and now has discovered how much she feels for him. They have been developing a relationship for several months and after a traumatic weekend with the 3 of us together discovered the website in May which explained how he had been feeling for years. He is excited, I am devastated. He says he cried when he read the posting from Hurtís wife; how many nights and days have I cried?
I'm not overly fond of Breathes' other girlfriends either but I have learned, after many tears & jealousy, to let him have his 15 minutes of gush time when he comes home. It helps him to get it all off his chest, gives me information I need in order to feel safe and secure in our relationship, and gives him a chance to come down from the high of an evening out of fun rather than the humdrum sameness that can be what a primary relationship turns into if we're not careful.

With the first other relationship after we started dating I ended up getting hugely jealous. He helped me through it, he was there for me to talk to, bounce ideas off of, hold, cry, rant, smile & laugh. I did a LOT of online reading, looking for ways to deal with my jealousy in more constructive ways. I found www.xeromag.com. It helped me to realize I wasn't the only one to feel that way, that it really is normal, especially in a society which leans very much towards monogamy as the 'one true way' to have a long term relationship.
Quote:
I have a very difficult weekend ahead. They are spending another time together.
Since the end of May they have had a weekend and 5 days together. They have taken my feelings into account and come to a compromise, in that they slept together but with pyjamas on and no sex. I found that so difficult. ..
Boundaries can be a good thing. You'll find that a lot of boundaries are fluid and can eventually be done away with once everyone is ready to go to the next level. You'll know when you are ready to do so.
Quote:
I find the enthusiasm and pressure to accept is exhausting.
Why can't you let yourself feel the way you feel rather than hiding it and pretending for their sakes? Sometimes if you just give yourself permission to feel hurt/angry/jealous/what ever that you will feel it and be done with it rather than it sitting there in the shadows throwing it's web into the happy times and the times the two of you are able to spend together. Feel it, acknowledge it then let it go. (yes, I know this is not easy to do, what in life is? It will be worth it in the long run though.)
Quote:
What will I accept in terms of frequency of visits? Why donít I want them to have sex?
In the monogamous mindset sex is between two people and two people only, there is not, & should not be, another in the picture who gets a piece of that special bond.
Quote:
It should be natural for him to talk about what they have done and how she feels etc. I know it is what this site says is what should happen, but it hurts so much to even think about the relationship being there, let alone having to negotiate decisions. At least our children are independent enough not to be affected greatly. Itís easy when he seems to have everything to gain and I can only see what I am losing. He tries to reassure me, but he has been my partner, best friend and soul mate for so long and now he will be spending time with her and I am left alone. Why is that emptiness called jealousy?
That emptiness isn't jealousy, it is loneliness because (& this is JUST my opinion from what I've read from you so far) you haven't learned, or have forgotten how, to be by yourself. He's been there for a very long time, you've done almost everything together & now that he's found someone else to do things with you're at a loss as to how to fill that time he used to fill. Read a book you haven't had the time for, watch a movie he doesn't like, learn something new. This will fill some of that time & give you a whole new sense of self worth which can only serve to make you a stronger person & maybe even make your relationship stronger.
Quote:
Why is that something I need to deal with because it is wrong? He says there is a better place beyond this, I hope so because I donít like it here.
I am not sure if this lifestyle choice is one that I want. I need to find out if it is what I want, rather than something I am prepared to put up with. So that I can answer this I am having to tell him that he can come to me when he wants, and only when he wants, not when he feels he has to. I am having to tell him that his relationship with her can be expressed as they wish. I have to let them be free, even though it is not what I want.
I have read time & time & time again to go ONLY as fast as the slowest person in the relationship. In this instance you are the slowest and need them to slow things down so you can deal with this situation in a way you feel comfortable with. If that means they sleep in pyjamas and nothing more romantic than spooning in bed at this point then so be it. Don't relax your boundaries simply because they have ants in their pants. Only relax them when you feel comfortable doing so.
Quote:
I have to know that he really does want me for who I am. I hate the recent change of personality that this has caused in me. I was referred to as being Ďone of lifeís rocksí, I have been a jibbering wreck. I need to feel that he does love me as he says. If he does, how can he not care about how I feel and what this is doing to me?
It doesnít matter what I do or how many people I am with, because this weekend I am totally alone.
I used to feel similar--why am I not enough? What does she have that I don't? If he cared he'd stay home with me. My light bulb moment came when I finally saw that it was ME he was coming home to after each date. It's me he's making a home with. I do still have an tiny inkling of jealousy once in a while but I just head over to xeromag & reread the jealousy articles, re-evaluate to figure out why I'm feeling jealous, blog it and let it be done.

You WILL make it through to the end of the tunnel a much stronger person. You may not like some of the answers you find along the way but we all find truths we don't like. Hugs. You can pm me if you like . Sometimes it just helps to have a shoulder, cyber or not, to cry on.
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Old 07-07-2010, 09:32 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Well you are certainly getting some help. I'm really pleased. There's some great advice here for you and IT DOES GET BETTER!!

I came here in May I think, when I was still having bouts of pain just like you have described. I can't believe how far I've come in just two months. I've gone from being really unsure if I even wanted to continue with my relationship to now seeing the positives in my partner being poly (and I'm mono). I was taking a long drive this afternoon and I felt more at peace and more loving and loved than I have in a very long time. I'm telling you this because I believe somewhere in your very long post you wondered what was in it for you. I asked that very same question.

I think the pain you're feeling in the weekends when he's away is probably a mixture of both jealousy and loneliness. I too have filled up my time with things that I would normally enjoy and still felt intense sadness, grief etc. For me I think it's because Z and I are so close and do so much together that when he's not with me I'm acutely aware of where he is.

I've learned to negotiate and that's helped a lot. He now goes as slowly as he possibly can and I go slower than I think I need to. Previously I tried to give him as much freedom as I could and then when he took it all this pain would come up for me.

I'm sure we'll talk more, it's an ongoing process. Just take one baby step at a time and let your partner love you as much as I'm sure he wants to.

Sage
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Old 07-08-2010, 04:55 PM
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MrRusty MrRusty is offline
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I know he will read and hope that he will decide to post again. .
Yeah, yeah, so do I. I do feel Dory and all the responses to her post have rather hijacked Hurt's thread.

It's a bit of a rollercoaster this, isn't it? And like a rollercoaster there really is no going back.
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