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Old 07-05-2010, 03:40 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Default I can't believe this happened..

Well, I went to a festival in upstate New York where there was a woman that I had been talking to in advance.

She had shown interest in me in the past two weeks since we had met online but I was uncertain and didn't make any promises as we hadn't met yet.

I spent time with her the first day I arrived and realized very quickly that dating her was a terrible idea. The reason being is that she is, by her own admission, very high maintenance(like middle of the night phone calls for obscure emotional reasons on a routine basis) and she lives over 10 hours away. So, I gently(but directly) told her this and she seemed to accept it.

Then she started insinuating that she wanted to have sex with me. As a core part of my relationship agreement is that we have to be seeing someone for three months before sex happened I, at first, steered the conversation away from that. Then she became more blatant about her requests for sex. I became absolutely crystal clear about the fact that I did not want to have sex with her at that point or any other point and explained why. She was irritated and petulant but she accepted it at first.

The evening progressed and she asked me to walk her to her tent. I had done a very intense stage performance about an hour or so before and, to be blunt, was extremely out of it(I am still a little hoarse and this happened two days ago).

Once we got to her tent she invited me in for a moment and I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. She reassured me that it was a good idea and gently pulled me into the tent against my protest. Then after asking me to take my shoes off she lunged at me. I said again and again that I didn't want to be intimate with her and she tried to pull me down on top of her.

After pushing her off of me more than once she laid down limp on the floor of the tent and I left.

I know that it was really stupid to go into her tent, but in my own defense I told her vaguely on some occasions and in great detail on one occasion(not 5 hours beforehand) that I did not want to have sex with her and would not want to have sex with her at any point in the future.

I ended up leaving the festival early because I realized that at this point she wasn't respecting my statement that I wasn't going to have sex with her and that by being there I was(in her mind at least) consenting to having sex with her. I informed the organizers of what was going on and left immediately thereafter.

I feel very fragile and tired right now. I feel stupid for having gone to this event, I feel stupid for being nice to this woman in any way, and I feel triply stupid for thinking that me saying no had any weight at all and going into that damned tent. My only comfort right now is that I honored the relationship agreement with my primary.
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Old 07-05-2010, 03:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Women like this exist. And for them, sex is a big boost. They rarely get refused because, honestly, most men won't say no.

Don't feel stupid, why do you feel guilt because she didn't get it. Don't be the victim be proud of your own resolution.
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Old 07-05-2010, 04:12 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Women like this exist. And for them, sex is a big boost. They rarely get refused because, honestly, most men won't say no.

Don't feel stupid, why do you feel guilt because she didn't get it. Don't be the victim be proud of your own resolution.
Thank you.

Early in the process, when she first started circling, a friend who knew her said that she had never really been told "no" before and she didn't know what to do.

And you are right. I'm still lagging a bit in my internal rephrasing(not changing the events, but changing my view of the events). I guess part of me thinks that I wasn't clear enough. But then I remind myself that I couldn't have been any more clear. It isn't that she didn't get it. It's that she got it and just didn't care.

Also, I made sure to remove any ability she had to contact me.
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Old 07-05-2010, 06:01 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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I second the sentiment of "good job" for sticking to your agreement.
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Old 07-06-2010, 12:48 AM
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Karma Karma is offline
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Nothing for you to be ashamed of here, quite the opposite actually.

Crazy people will be crazy. You can't help that fact of life. This woman was convinced you were going to sleep with her, and was willing to ignore everything you had repeatedly told her to make it happen, when it was clearly against your wishes and desires. This shows a completel lack of respect for you and your SO in my mind, and the fact that she tried to manipulate you after you dumped so much energy and emotion into doing something like a stage show tells me that this person really has no scruples to speak of.

You, on the other hand, thought everything through from the point at which you met this woman face to face, made a responsible decision about her, and stuck to both your decision and you and your SOs rules, even in a moment when you were not at your 100% best. Well done, sir. (Umm.. I think you're a 'sir', anyway ).

Seriously, you should treat yourself to a good thick steak and an expensive beer, simply for dealing with this mess the way you did.
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Old 07-07-2010, 01:06 AM
otter otter is offline
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You are one of the good guys in the world.
Thank You.
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Old 07-09-2010, 02:01 PM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post

She had shown interest in me in the past two weeks since we had met online but I was uncertain and didn't make any promises as we hadn't met yet.



..... Then after asking me to take my shoes off she lunged at me. I said again and again that I didn't want to be intimate with her and she tried to pull me down on top of her.

After pushing her off of me more than once she laid down limp on the floor of the tent and I left.

I feel very fragile and tired right now. I feel stupid for having gone to this event, I feel stupid for being nice to this woman in any way, and I feel triply stupid for thinking that me saying no had any weight at all and going into that damned tent. My only comfort right now is that I honored the relationship agreement with my primary.
not... i repeat NOT YOUR FAULT. in any way. you were NOT stupid for going to the event... you wanted to go and you were meeting with sumbody with whom you were interested in exploring the possibilities with.
NOT your fault for going into the tent. you made your intentions clear before and again just before going into the tent as did she.
NOT your fault that she was misleading in her intentions and LUNGED at you.
NOT your fault you had to PUSH HER OFF YOU.
NOT your fault that SHE made the choice to try to FORCE herself onto you and FORCE you onto her...
YOU WERE NOT STUPID. you had suspicions, with no confirmations AND you did the smartest thing possible afterward in that you recognized she was "unstable' with you there and you took yourself out of that bad situation. you made the right choice.
you were not stupid at any point.
it is not your fault nor does it make you stupid if she is not willing to accept your intentions and statements and chooses to bluntly ignore them!
got it...? so STOP that thinking RIGHT NOW!
and by the way....
(((hugs))))) <-- you sound like you need that.
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Old 07-09-2010, 02:54 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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The words that I have found to explain how past sexual abuse (even attempts of sexual abuse) made me feel is that they took my face away. What I mean by this is I was no longer a person. They saw me as a vessell to achieve they're own self indulgent satisfaction. This to me right here is what made me feel the most dirty. Not what actually happened, but that there are people walking this earth that are okay with making others sub human for their own... So they can get off. It just makes me feel nasty. It makes my skin crawl knowing these people exist. I have the same issues with touch to this day. I want it yet sometimes it still freaks me out when someone is getting what I feel is too much pleasure from what I am doing. Even just cuddling or twirling hair and I will back off. What I have found that helps me with my issue is I need them to see ME. The person behind my face. If they have their eyes closed when I have a moment I just say their name so they look at me and I see the recognition that they know I'm there. I know it must sound weird. But my best advice is to keep writing and talking. When you find the right words to define what happened inside of you because of it you will find some peace and you will also know what it is that you need to heal inside of you. And the anger is a natural part of being violated. It will die down as you continue to process this.

Last edited by Ilove2men; 07-09-2010 at 02:58 PM.
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Old 07-09-2010, 08:07 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
not... i repeat NOT YOUR FAULT. in any way.
....
got it...? so STOP that thinking RIGHT NOW!
and by the way....
(((hugs))))) <-- you sound like you need that.
TY. I am feeling better. It's just a lot to process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
What I mean by this is I was no longer a person. They saw me as a vessell to achieve they're own self indulgent satisfaction. This to me right here is what made me feel the most dirty. Not what actually happened, but that there are people walking this earth that are okay with making others sub human for their own... So they can get off. It just makes me feel nasty. It makes my skin crawl knowing these people exist. But my best advice is to keep writing and talking. When you find the right words to define what happened inside of you because of it you will find some peace and you will also know what it is that you need to heal inside of you. And the anger is a natural part of being violated. It will die down as you continue to process this.
I think that's the part that really bothers me. It isn't that she didn't understand what I was saying, that I was obtuse or unclear. It's just that she didn't care. At all. Period. The rules of my relationship, my feelings, thoughts, none of it. She only cared about what she wanted. About getting control over me to get as much out of me as she could.
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