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#1
05-28-2009, 04:08 PM
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Please don't judge me
I don't really know how to start this. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I pursued him quite actively and for the beginning of our relationship we were "friends with benefits". He would frequently talk to me during that time about how he wanted a girlfriend and that no one would ever want him ect. Even though it's irrational I've always had a little nagging feeling that he just settled for me. (Even though we have been happily married for 10 years).
So fast forward to about 2 years ago. We started talking about opening up our relationship. I have a girlfriend who I see occasionally. She also has a husband and we all get along well. I'm having trouble with the idea of my husband forming a relationship with another woman. Because I'm insecure I'm worried that he's looking for the one that he really wants, not the one that relentlessly hunted him down until he gave in. I'm not sure how to get past this. I want him to be happy. I just hate feeling like I'm in direct competition with someone else. Anyone else been through something similar? 
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#2
05-28-2009, 04:35 PM
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This forum is about sharing and learning. It certainly is not about judging. Please push those fears aside. I can't offer any advice on your siutuation but others here should be able to help. Best wishes.
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#3
05-28-2009, 05:24 PM
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I showed your post to my girlfriend Redpepper and she had this to say:
"I think she needs to test his loyalty to her by letting him go find another if that is what they decided. Its better to live a full life in the full embrace of someones love than always wonder if he just settled. If it doesn't work out she will find another where she doesn't have to feel like that and he will find the true love he deserves. If they decide to keep their love alive it will be better than ever for the experience" Redpepper is pretty busy so I try to pass things on to her. Take care
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#4
05-29-2009, 01:16 AM
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In a sense, if you have an open relationship, why would he leave you? Even if he found someone super cool, the only reason he would leave you is because he doesn't want to be with you, not because anyone "stole" him. That is kind of the logical view of it.
Emotionally, it sounds like you need to hear from him why he loves you and wants to be with you. Just let him know when you are feeling extra insecure and he can try to help you understand why he wants to be with you. My wife is going through similar feelings. I have said these things to her, but they did not seem to help. So I am not sure if it will help you or not.
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#5
05-30-2009, 06:19 PM
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I understand that you feel fearful that the choice to open your relationship could cause a breech in the current environment of your marriage. It is the big fear that the standard of monagamy has given most women. Most of you ladies don't want anything but that protective man to stand by you and defend you from all that society can throw at you. Society threw monagamy at you, and this site will do its best to protect you from the stigma of "thinking outside the box."
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#6
05-30-2009, 06:53 PM
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Maybe that's partly what this is. I like to believe that I'm pretty self sufficient though and that I can defend myself against what the world has to throw at me. Given my husband's job I do spend long periods of time alone and have to take what is thrown at me. But you are right that when he is home I do rely on him to take on his role as part of this family. Our time is sometimes fairly limited together and so I expect a lot of him when he is home to make up for the time that he is away. There is so many things going on in my head and not a lot of it makes sense. I know things logically but I guess I just don't know them emotionally. More stuff to work through I guess. And here I was thinking that I didn't have any issues. I have a lot of issues that have come from a whole lot of places. I was so good at repressing them until now :P. I think what I need is someone who has been in the early stages of poly and has gotten through it who I can confide in. Talking to your spouse only goes so far especailly when you're both coming into the discussion with somewhat of an agenda. We have friends that we can bounch other things off of and I think I could really use a friend who I can bounch poly stuff off of. Someone who understands the emotions and the difference between the logical and the emotional. I don't see the discussions between my spouse and I as moving forward anymore. It's important to talk and to be heard but it gets to the point when you're just having the same discussion over and over again and never coming up with any way of advancing.
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#7
05-30-2009, 07:13 PM
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#8
06-01-2009, 06:20 PM
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Something that has helped for me is to visualize what would help me feel more secure and ask for it. My quad talks constantly. Constantly! It is, by the way, the reason I haven't been here very much lately. We've apparently had a lot to talk bout. But basically, I read as many poly books as I can get my hands on, figure out what applies to me, and talk to the others about it. We're quite blessed to have a fantastic other wife who is quite skilled at communicating. I don't know what your insecurities are based in. I understand that you feel like he settled, but I don't know what actions he's taking now that are perpetuating it. An example that might help--I feel like my husband doesn't care who fills the role of wife, as long as there's someone in the role. I feel like he doesn't see me or know me, and I don't feel like I can trust it when he says that he loves me. At the suggestion of our other wife, we got a book called The Five Love Languages, which revealed that my "love language" is touch--my husband is not very affectionate, and I felt the lack of touch but didn't realize that was the problem. We talked about what the minimum was for me to feel loved. We came to an agreement that he and I would drop everything at 11:30pm and just cuddle with one another until we fell asleep. The agreement sounds very cold and unfeeling, but just the added touch has helped center me. It's been less than a week since we made the agreement, but today I woke up feeling more happy and sane than I have in a long time. So, ask yourself, how can I feel like he's choosing me? I don't recommend the trial-by-fire approach--our other wife tried it, and it seemed like nothing our other husband did was right. Every action he took made it appear that he was choosing me over her. We've had to take a step back to save the relationship. Perhaps you can come up with a reasonable action that might not seem like much, but given time will help you feel like he's choosing to be with you. You're welcome to talk to me--I'm about two months into my only poly relationship, and in a polyfideltious quad comprised of two married couples. BTW, I very much feel like my husband married me because I pursued him.
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#9
06-02-2009, 05:19 AM
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It probably is easier for all to be poly first then progress into a relationship, but I think other ways are achievable too. From my own experience of springing it on my wife of 27 years and her best friend of 20, it's been trying and hurtful at times but really seems to be deepening our friendships all around and now working toward a very fulfilling and meaningful lifestyle. I get the feeling there are many possible combinations that can and do make this poly stuff work. But it is work, just like any other marriage or meaningful long term relationship.
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#10
08-17-2009, 03:37 PM
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Are you opposed to polyamory in a restricted sense, as in your own relationship? Or does your opposition extend to others and society, generally?
__________________
"Love is always a matter of learning how to live in an unknown land." "Love is always about learning the Nature of things." -- Martín Prechtel River's Blog
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