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Old 10-30-2012, 09:30 PM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 34
Unhappy Finding trust after betrayal - Possible?

Is it possible to overcome betrayal and rebuild trust?
I don't want to give up on the best relationship I have ever known,
yet I wonder how much it might compromise myself.

Me: Monogamish poly, in process of a divorce, in a committed relationship
Partner Sunshine: Poly with his wife and me
Partner's wife: Poly with multiple relationships
17 months into the relationship, and my life feels like it has been crushed.

End of June I had a med reaction (Chantix) that resulted in me becoming very depressed, suicidal, and I had also begun begged my Sunshine to break up with me because I was feeling guilty about my growing monogamishness and did not want to ask him to compromise on his other primary. He saved my life by calling the police and having me placed in hospital until the meds wore off and I got my head back on.
When I got out, he was hesitant about starting to stay with me again too soon. I asked directly if it was hesitant because he may have violated our fluid bonding agreement by sleeping with anyone. He said he had not specifically for that reason.

Fast forward to this week.
Once again sat down to discuss my growing monogamishness. I tried to seek other relationships, but they just don't fit me any more. My past poly relationships were always to fill gaps in my primary relationship with the soon to be ex.. with Sunshine the only gaps I feel are in time.
But before we got to that, he inadvertently admitted he violated our fluid bonding agreement.

I had been prepared for him to have violated the agreement when I was in hospital. It would not have been upset and was prepared to take the actions to protect myself or abstain until another round of testing could be done.
Instead I find myself having been outright lied to, and the deception continuing for four months, during which I was not given the information to opt to protect myself. I feel betrayed, and deceived, and so hurt.

In his favor, Sunshine is more remorseful and devastated than I have ever seen a man before. He is taking every step I request to attempt to repair what has been lost.

The sex was in no way an issue. I was glad he was able to seek that comfort. The lie when directly asked, continued lie of omission, and putting me at risk is my issue.
I'm afraid I will never get over this and truly be able to trust him again. I'm afraid I will constantly be nagging and questioning. Even now I feel so uncharacteristically Attila the Hun-ish in letting him know how hurt and betrayed I feel. Part of me feels he deserves to feel the depth and breadth of my pain, and part of me feels terrible for adding to his agony over his "mis-steps" when I can tangibly touch his pain over this.

Has anyone here been able to truly overcome such betrayal and find not only forgiveness but find real trust again?
What steps did you take on your own?
What actions did your partner take?

I appreciate all suggestions, and will take what I can use, and discard what I don't. Everything with a grain of salt. Thanks.
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Old 10-30-2012, 11:15 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

There are many threads on the topic here. It can be done.
But it's a lot of work.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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betrayal, fluid bonding, forgiveness, lies

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