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Old 10-29-2012, 04:40 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Unhappy Adjusting and the emotional rollercoaster

I'm in the emotional rollercoaster right now. I don't really like it, I want out. XD

Poly, as you guys surely know, is hard work. It did seem easy at first, though, let me explain why.
I always, no matter how great my ralationship with a current boyfriend was, found myself falling someone else. And I used to feel the worst of monsters because of that. I was even worse when I was loved back, and had to choose. It seemed impossible to. I always lingered, never actually said "this one." These situations always ended up with someone (or both of them) just getting tired of waiting for me to make a decision and leaving. THAT was the hard I knew.

Sudenly, when Peaches said: You know what, you don't have to choose and it's ok to love someone else, and then CC said: You know what, I'm ok with this and I'll be with you despite knowing Peaches won't leave the picture.
I was just... Can't find the word in English. Dammit. Stuned? Marveled? I don't know, but I was all bright-eyes and smiles. Everything seemed so.freaking.easy. I loved them both. For the first time didn't have to choose. Could have them both. No drama. Yay.

Except that I overlooked the amount of hard work this was going to be. Basically I've been having a few problems. I'd love some advice, or just an insight, you guys are really good on making me see things in perspective.

Issue number one - CC is obviously NOT Peaches.
Before you get to conclussions: I would NEVER expect them to be even similar. They are very different people, I do not want CC to be an extention to Peaches, neither I expect him to act/think like Peaches or our relationship to be just like the one I have with Peaches. I love them both for who they are. That's not what I meant.
What I meant is : Peaches is pretty much the only example of a functioning, serious relationship I have. When we first started dating I was very young, and very insecure. Peaches was the strong one for me. Everything seemed to work out automatically. We met, a week latter he kissed me, two days latter we were in a ralationship and we've been fine since. He was always the one to take the chances. Since two days after he first kissing me, I knew already this was a sure thing for life. Always been like that for us. Sure. Solid. Defined. Safe.
CC on the other hand is one big mess of "let's see how it goes and deal with it as it comes". It's not BAD that it's like this. I'm just not used to it. I get insecure. I feel like anytime this ralationship could just crumble before my eyes and this constant insecurity is taking it's tool on me.

Issue 2 - People do notice I'm dating two men.
I know. "Not their bussiness". Great in theory, and that was my mindset from the start. But when things people say start making my mom cry we have a problem there. When things people say start threatening a job/education oportunity for CC and myself, then we have a problem. When people start acusing Peaches of being an abusive boyfriend, and CC of being an oportunist, my family of being problematic and incapable of "raising me right" and people in general started hurting the ones I love, we have a freaking problem there. I don't even mind then calling me a slut. Whatever. I do tend to over-protect, though, and I'm just MAD at people going after the ones that I love. Peaches, CC and Mon don't mind. But this is also taking it's tool on me.

Issue 3 - Could be just me being paranoid...
...but Peaches seem to be ok with just about anything. I know it's suposed to be a good thing. But I really worry that he's compromising so I can go around doing whatever I please. And I don't want him to. I did comunicate to him I was worried about it. He keeps saying he is speaking his heart, but also always ends the sentence with "your hapiness is all that matters, don't worry about me". But HIS happiness matter to me. I can't help thinking he's not telling me all he feels, and I catch myself avoiding mentioning CC around him. Which is not good at all.
I tried to ask him about his wants and limits. He says I'm overcomplicating it.

Issue 4 - Feelings for CC
I've been alternating between "one of the loves of my life" and "friend with benefits" too fast when I think about CC. Feelings are intense and deep and everytime I'm with him I'm pretty sure I love him. But once we are apart for a few days, I start to question if I really do. I tell myself we're better off as friends (maybe even friends with benefits, but no more), remember some traits of his personality I'm not this crazy about (nothing major though)... Mostly I think I'm afraid of being in love and keep trying to convince myself I'm not. I always knew this ralationship was going to be like this. "It is what it is, it ends if it ends" sort of thing. I don't expect him to commit to being with me. I don't expect Peaches to do that, too. The difference is I know Peaches will.
Being always afraid that anything could destroy my relationship with CC, I'm unconfortable telling things to him as openly as I tell Peaches. And misscomunication always leads to major problems.

And due to this little issues, my life has been jumping from "I'm so happy and my life is perfect" to "please kill me now" in a matter of seconds. I'm lost about how to deal with this and sometimes I just feel like giving the whole thing up.

Edit: sorry, I posted on the wrong board, I think. My bad.
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Last edited by MoonElf; 10-29-2012 at 04:42 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-29-2012, 06:36 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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GG and I used to have that struggle. Until I accepted that what makes him happy is being able to facilitate making me happy. Once I accepted that about him-drama was done between us.

As for work-yes a great deal of work and introspection.

As for other people-each is responsible for themself. As a mother whose daughter is grown, I will say, your family, esp parents need to accept internally that who you ate NOW is who you choose to be and if other people have an issue with that its THEIR issue, not your parents. Sounds like your moms a bit too emotionally tied to what people think of you. But-thats her issue, not yours.
Consequences come as a response to our choices. When other people protect us, they inhibit our growth. Let your mom figure out that your choices as an adult aren't her concern. Support her by reminding her that noone has a right to judge her based upon you and she can tell them where to get off.


Jobs-get into politics and dont expect a change anytime soon. Its part of the discrimination that rules our world and until thats corrected-there's no avooiding having risks to jobs when we exist as something employers dislike.
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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That was a bit mixed up and sounded largely like a vent. So I rewrote it like I perceive it in green. Apologies if I misunderstood where that was going. It sounded to me like this:

Issue number one:
Peaches is the established ORE person. I know it is Sure. Solid. Defined. Safe. I take comfort in this.

CC on the other hand is one big mess of "let's see how it goes and deal with it as it comes". It's not BAD that it's like this. I'm just not used to it. I get insecure. I enjoy the NRE, but I do not yet feel sure, solid, defined there.


Suggested solution: Could give it time. Breathe. Relax. Let it be what it will be. You can't make it be instantly ORE. It BECOMES ORE. When anxiety pops up -- remind yourself it BECOMES ORE, and they are all there of their own volition.
Issue 2 - People do notice I'm dating two men.

  • people say things that make my mom cry
  • people say things and it start threatening a job/education oportunity for CC and myself
  • people start accusing Peaches of being an abusive boyfriend, and CC of being an oportunist, my family of being problematic and incapable of "raising me right"

Peaches, CC and Mon don't mind. But this is also taking it's toll on me. I'm just MAD at people going after the ones that I love.

Need more info: Who ARE these people? Random strangers? Cannot control how other people behave.

Or people you interact with -- relatives, friends, coworkers? Since mom, Peaches, and CC are ok with it... don't worry about them or try not to. Worry about what you could do for your OWN self care. If these "people" are not strangers -- tell them how you want to be treated. And if they choose not to treat you that way, break up with them. Dump the fake friends and so on who fill your life with misery where possible. You may not be able to get of them all (ex: a coworker) but you could try to reduce the general "volume of ugh" playing at ya.
Issue 3 - Could be just me being paranoid...
Peaches seem to be ok with just about anything. I know it's supposed to be a good thing. But I really worry that he's compromising so I can go around doing whatever I please. I tried to ask him about his wants and limits. He says I'm overcomplicating it.


Suggested Solution: You asked him. He's had opportunity to articulate. BELIEVE him that he is fine when he says so. Let him own his own emotional baggage. Especially when you are working yourself up over it and he's doing fine. Is your turning yourself into an anxious paranoid GF being the best partner you can be for Peaches? Stop what iffing.

I don't know if anything a How to Get Secure

Issue 4 - Feelings for CC

Miscommunication always leads to major problems with CC. I do not tell him things as openly as I tell Peaches. I hold back because my relationship with CC is not yet stable and I do not like that. (See issue 1). I love him. I am afraid of being in love and keep trying to convince myself that I am not. I am afraid to love when I am not sure of the committment with CC.

I give him _____ reasons to commit to me when I hold back and do not give clear, open communication.


Suggested solution: Open up to CC. Because the NRE brain hormones will wear off in time. Nothing will be there when the NRE wears off and it's time to attachment to kick in if you have not created stronger bonds because you held off in creating emotional intimacy and Sharing Vulernerable. You say you love him and you WANT it to become ORE -- well, start behaving like it already IS ORE so it has a good shot at becoming it. Open up to your partner CC across the board. Not just in body, but in mind, heart, and soul.

If you are not willing to do that and you already stress out from social pressure of dating two men? Could consider cutting him loose then before it goes deeper. Either way could alleviate your stress over this.

Stress is gone because...

1) You opened up to deeper and found there was nothing to fear and created ORE space with CC. NRE Stress relieved.
2) You cut CC loose so he's not around to partner with and you don't have to open up then. NRE Stress relieved.
3) You do some other solution I cannot think of right now. (What could that be?)

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-30-2012 at 12:39 AM.
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  #4  
Old 10-29-2012, 08:05 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Thank you both for the good advice. LovingRadiance, what you said about mom was very clarifying. It's exactaly that: She IS emotionally tied to what people think of me. I'll have to work this out with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Need more info: Who ARE these people? Random strangers? Cannot control how other people behave.
Me and CC met each other on a martial arts class. Everyone there has VERY strict "morals" (I mean society-forced kind of morals, sorry if I can't find te right word again, English is not my first language, sometimes I lack vocabulary) and the both of us are really old and respected students (there's a hierarchy sort of thing), and were nominated to become teachers.
Most of our problem is coming from there, and I really can't unlink myself from this people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Issue 4 - Feelings for CC

Miscommunication always leads to major problems with CC. I do not tell him things as openly as I tell Peaches. I hold back because my relationship with CC is not yet stable and I do not like that. (See issue 1). I love him. I am afraid of being in love and keep trying to convince myself that I am not. I am afraid to love when I am not sure of the committment with CC.

I give him _____ reasons to commit to me when I hold back and do not give clear, open communication. thing up.

You ARE absolutely right on your interpretation. I KNEW posting this here would give me the perspective I need. I do love him. I'm just too afraid, but I must admit, denying it like this will not help at all.
You're right on your advice, too. I either open up and let things happen on their own pace (also can't force this into a solid, loving relationship from night to day, of course) or I just cut things here and now.

I'll go home today and do a little meditation on this.

Thanks again for taking the time.
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Old 10-29-2012, 08:42 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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GG and I used to have that struggle. Until I accepted that what makes him happy is being able to facilitate making me happy. Once I accepted that about him-drama was done between us.

As for work-yes a great deal of work and introspection.

As for other people-each is responsible for themself. As a mother whose daughter is grown, I will say, your family, esp parents need to accept internally that who you ate NOW is who you choose to be and if other people have an issue with that its THEIR issue, not your parents. Sounds like your moms a bit too emotionally tied to what people think of you. But-thats her issue, not yours.
Consequences come as a response to our choices. When other people protect us, they inhibit our growth. Let your mom figure out that your choices as an adult aren't her concern. Support her by reminding her that noone has a right to judge her based upon you and she can tell them where to get off.


Jobs-get into politics and dont expect a change anytime soon. Its part of the discrimination that rules our world and until thats corrected-there's no avooiding having risks to jobs when we exist as something employers dislike.
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Old 10-30-2012, 12:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Me and CC met each other on a martial arts class. Everyone there has VERY strict "morals" (I mean society-forced kind of morals, sorry if I can't find te right word again, English is not my first language, sometimes I lack vocabulary) and the both of us are really old and respected students (there's a hierarchy sort of thing), and were nominated to become teachers.
Most of our problem is coming from there, and I really can't unlink myself from this people.
I'm not really clear on how this class system works where you are. I'm not a martial arts person so I'm not familiar with this world. I can't give any suggestions without understanding the problem in that area.

You say "can't" but I think you mean you are "not willing" to give up going to your martial art class at this place. It is not your current job. It is currently your hobby/interest/martial arts education place, right? If not willing to change to a different location because you would lose seniority, then you have to consider what it means to stay.

If you are "old and respected students" where does the teasing/bullying/bad talking come in? That does not compute.

Who is the source of the ugh? From one person? Several people? A teacher? A student? Saying things to you directly in your face? To CC? COuld it be anxiety blowing it out of proportion? What's this business about Peaches being abusive and CC being opportunist coming from? How did that come about?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-30-2012 at 12:47 AM.
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Old 10-30-2012, 12:20 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Who is the source of the ugh? From one person? Several people? A teacher? A student? Saying things to you directly in your face? To CC? COuld it be anxiety blowing it out of proportion? What's this business about Peaches being abusive and CC being opportunist coming from? How did that come about?
It'a a specific group of people. I don't think everyone there knows about it, at least for the most part, people continue to respect me and treat me the same, so if they know, they choose not to intrude. There were no questions asked to any of us in the begining. Someone saw me with CC and next thing I knew, this whole tale of how Peaches must be abusive for me to do something like this to him is spreading around. People came to Peaches to let him know what a slut I am. People came to me to "offer support" about my suposed abusive relationship. People came to me to tell me CC isn't a real friend (part of the tale was how he took advantage of my delicate situation with Peaches to try and score some sex). The tale also included how Mom was about to kick me out of the house (my parents live with me and Peaches, they can't financely support and tend a house on their own in their age). So basicaly, people saw something, asked nothing, gave their own interpretation to it and the thing grew to lies of outraging proportions.

Let's not focus on the education I mentioned. Changing training spaces is frowned upon on this particular martial art, but I do agree it's my choice and CC's to to remain there, even with the nonsense moral and this specific nasty group of people (also veteran students), we are not willing to give up our mentors and friends, nor the oportunity of becoming mentors ourseves (which could never come again if we did change training spaces) This whole thing is complicated, and I noticed I find it hard to explain or talk about.

Also maybe it's a good idea to mention I'm not on my best these days. I have borderline personality disorder. Mostly it's under control, but I do have my "bad days" sometimes and I'm aware it clouds my clear judgement a lot. Right now I fell lost on one of the negative spirals, and it's hard to distinguish my own thoughts and feelings from what the disorder makes me think.
For instance, I'm aware that everything I think suicide is the only solution, it's borderline talking. I'm aware that things can be sorted out and that I don't want to die. This doesn't stop me from thinking about it, though.
And I don't know if this constant fear that CC will end this relationship over pretty much anything is something based on facts or just borderline speaking too. I do think he's acting like he'll end this the last few days (I guess I'll know for sure today when I see him), but I can't know if it's my perception of his actions or pure paranoid behavior on my part.
I constanly catch myself thinking how CC deserves better than all this.
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Old 10-30-2012, 01:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
It's a specific group of people. I don't think everyone there knows about it, at least for the most part, people continue to respect me and treat me the same, so if they know, they choose not to intrude.
It doesn't sound so bad then -- the majority of the people are not bugging you.

See if it dies down, but if they continue to harass you, can you tell a teacher? What's the policy there on harassment?

Quote:
Right now I fell lost on one of the negative spirals, and it's hard to distinguish my own thoughts and feelings from what the disorder makes me think.
You seem self aware enough then to know that all may not be how it FEELS.

So again -- wait. Let time do it's work. Hopefully you are managing your conditions appropriately and things will take an upswing.

Since CC is not worried about and has asked you to let him own his own emotional management? Try to BELIEVE him too. Just like BELIEVING Peaches.

What makes it hard to believe them? If it is something you can articulate then perhaps that can give you hints as to what you can change so that YOUR comfort and YOUR emotional management is better.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
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Old 10-30-2012, 01:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You seem self aware enough then to know that all may not be how it FEELS.

So again -- wait. Let time do it's work. Hopefully you are managing your conditions appropriately and things will take an upswing.

Since CC is not worried about and has asked you to let him own his own emotional management? Try to BELIEVE him too. Just like BELIEVING Peaches.

What makes it hard to believe them? If it is something you can articulate then perhaps that can give you hints as to what you can change so that YOUR comfort and YOUR emotional management is better.
Dealing with borderline throughout the years has taught me take many times (most of the time, actually) things are not as bad as they seem and that negative thinking is a part of the disorder, not of my life. So I try to force myself into being aware of it. I am going throught therapy and learning how to get better. The moments when I snap and loose this awareness are becoming rare, I'm happy to say.

As for why I have such a hard time believing they both...
Peaches used to have a poly relationship before ours and it didn't work out at all for him. He wasn't ready for this kind of relationship then, but did compromise for her happiness. The girl had no regard for his feelings at all, he did end up very hurt. Even though he was the one to bring poly up in the first place, I often fear he just noticed I tend to fall in love with other people and is, again, sufocating how he really fells about it so I can be happy.

And CC, well. He had a lot of issues in the first few weeks. He didn't understand poly at all, and I'm still not sure he gets it now. We kind of broke up once after two weeks seeing each other because he was afraid of falling in love and never having a place in my life like Peaches do. He was also very unconfortable, believing that he was "doing something wrong". His belief that this is wrong is clearly "programmed" on his head, he does not believe it's wrong, but he can't help feeling judged. This makes me fear that if all the gossip gets worse, or if everyone else finds out all that is really happening, social pressure will lead to a definitive break up. I know that it'll do no good to try and shelter this relationship from everything - it's even worse, because one day the bomb drops. It's like over-protecting a child, who ends up spoiled and unable to live life on it's own. And I know it. Here I am doing it, though.
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