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Old 07-02-2010, 07:57 AM
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eternalsoul eternalsoul is offline
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Question Mixed Signals--I don't know if I should broach the subject directly...

Hi there, I'm Soul.

As honesty has always been the absolute backbone of my current relationship, I hate feeling like I'm hiding something when my thoughts turn to polyamory. She and I have been together for a good three years now and although we have done our fair share of experimenting as a couple (sexually interacting with men together), it's more always been more of a toy to play with than anything more.

But whenever the subject of polyamory is ever brought up, I always get very mixed signals.

Before I go forward, I must say that she and I have been working on a novel for almost seven years now which is where most of the discussions originate from.

Examples:

"Well, maybe there is a reason we made them like that," she said when referring to the fact that almost all of our characters are involved in a triad.

"I love you, you are the only one for me, I don't want anyone else..." when lying in bed at night.

"She's stupid, why doesn't she just date both of them and they all can have a happy love triangle--the baby would have THREE parents--that's better than two!" after watching a special on TV about love triangles.

"When we have children, I'm just concerned about the donor. I don't want him to think he can just barge in. We will be the parents, not him, you know? I'm just scared he's going to try to be a bigger part of the child's life than we want."

"You know, Nathan was only jealous at first of Moriah and Vaughan's relationship because he felt like he didn't belong or they didn't love him as much. But after Moriah freaked out and cried over Nathan cheating on her, he realized that she loves him just as much as Vaughan and Vaughan loves him just as much as her, so he no longer feels upset and doesn't feel the need to cheat anymore." This triad ended up raising a good at least eight kids together.

Honestly, I would like a relationship much like "Moriah, Vaughan, and Nathan's". Where they are an exclusive triad that raised quite a few babies together. I'm the product of a single-mom only-child household, so family is really important to me, and I want our children to have the maximum amount of love.

I know she's mentioned other people should just be in triads, and that there might be a reason for us creating all these triads in our stories, but I just don't know if she'd really want that for US.

The other day she said to me in the car, "When do you want to start having kids? I was thinking about a year from now. Since we'll be able to afford it."

But I just don't know how to tell her I'm not just waiting solely for the financial stability of my new job but I'm also waiting to see if we might could find a suitable father for our children.

Wow, thanks so much if you've made it down here!

I'd appreciate any input as this is a great stressor in my life right now.
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Old 07-02-2010, 05:21 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I'm always a fan of simply asking.

The best way to find out what somebody thinks about any given topic is to ask them about it.

It doesn't have to be any Big, Serious Talk (tm)--I'd treat it like any other discussion (like, say, asking about what kind of car you want to buy next). Just ask "Hey, have you ever thought about us having a poly relationship with other people?"
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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Old 07-02-2010, 06:17 PM
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I must agree... just ask! And let her know how you feel and what you desire.
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It doesn't have to be any Big, Serious Talk (tm)--I'd treat it like any other discussion (like, say, asking about what kind of car you want to buy next). Just ask "Hey, have you ever thought about us having a poly relationship with other people?"
Yea, that's true. It's just after three years of being together, it's hard to simply bring it up... but I'll try.
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Old 07-04-2010, 07:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Yea, that's true. It's just after three years of being together, it's hard to simply bring it up... but I'll try.
After three years of being together should you not be able to bring anything up?! With a statement like that it could be you might have some communication issues to work out for starters.

What do you mean when you say you wonder about a donor for your baby... are either of you incapable of creating a child? confused.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here with the baby. Seriously, just work on the relationship part. If you think that the guys you have invited into your bedroom are just fuck toys, you have a long way to go.

Do a whole lot of reading on here and elsewhere, suggest you do some reading together, offer her some links and start talking about it... just start... tell her, "hey, I found this forum on line about polyamory, I'll send you the link. It's pretty interesting." See what happens with that.
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Old 07-04-2010, 09:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
After three years of being together should you not be able to bring anything up?! With a statement like that it could be you might have some communication issues to work out for starters.

What do you mean when you say you wonder about a donor for your baby... are either of you incapable of creating a child? confused.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here with the baby. Seriously, just work on the relationship part. If you think that the guys you have invited into your bedroom are just fuck toys, you have a long way to go.

Do a whole lot of reading on here and elsewhere, suggest you do some reading together, offer her some links and start talking about it... just start... tell her, "hey, I found this forum on line about polyamory, I'll send you the link. It's pretty interesting." See what happens with that.
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.

Well, I guess I didn't make it clear enough but yea, I guess my girlfriend and I have some problems creating a baby. Probably mostly because we only produce the XX chromosomes. We only produce eggs. We are both female. We are a lesbian couple.

Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.

But thanks. I appologize if I sound a little annoyed, but yea, it's a little offensive for you to accuse anyone of--even after being in a relationship or married for twenty years--of being able to bring up the subject of bringing a stranger into your relationship.

That's only kind of a big deal.

I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright.

I think it's kind of silly but ah well good night.
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Old 07-04-2010, 12:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.

Well, I guess I didn't make it clear enough but yea, I guess my girlfriend and I have some problems creating a baby. Probably mostly because we only produce the XX chromosomes. We only produce eggs. We are both female. We are a lesbian couple.

Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.

But thanks. I appologize if I sound a little annoyed, but yea, it's a little offensive for you to accuse anyone of--even after being in a relationship or married for twenty years--of being able to bring up the subject of bringing a stranger into your relationship.

That's only kind of a big deal.

I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright.

I think it's kind of silly but ah well good night.
One limit of bulletin boards is that it is hard to see sarcasm without a smiley. (okay, any hint... that this was sarcastic) I hope the first paragraph was sarcastic.

The biggest blunders in my life have been times when I thought I was communicating- and found out I wasn't. OR when I thought I was understanding, but I wasn't. Most people think they are great communicators. Have you ever met anyone who admitted they were a poor communicator? or even an average communicator?

Poly challenges each person to be a better communicator: on every level, in every relationship.

I, too, did not see anything in the original post that would make me think "lesbian couple." True, it's not fair that we default to the more common MF couple when reading a new member's post. Life isn't fair.
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Old 07-05-2010, 01:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.
In the context of the often referred refrigerator example, right now when the relationship is going well might be a good time to rock the boat, rather than some other time when things aren't going so well and the boat is in danger of capsizing all on it's own. Yes, it has it's risks...but if your relationship is strong enough to venture into poly, then you should be able to talk about it with her.

I'm curious if you echo the same mixed signals with her? When you talk about the novel, do you have the same sentiments about the characters involved in their triads? When you talk to her about your relationship, do you use the conventional monogamous scripts that everyone is used to? (ie: "I only have eyes for you", "I don't need anyone else") Is it possible she's scared to ask you the same questions about having other people involved with the two of you?

There is the often used mantra of communication in poly...we really can't know the answers for sure, until we ask. However, I'd also suggest that you be patient. Even if she is agreeable, it might take time to find a suitable partner, and develop a stable relationship with them. Particularly if you're talking about making kids and a family, that is a big deal...it needn't be rushed.
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Old 07-05-2010, 03:16 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.
I think the idea is that if you've got a good relationship that has lasted three years, you should be able to talk about most any topic at all without it negatively affecting your relationship. Seriously, if you can't bring up any given topic of conversation at this point, then there is strong reason to question your communication skills.

And asking about interest is not the same thing as simply dumping a major change wholesale on your girlfriend. After three years, if your relationship is good and your communication is good, asking about interest in a poly arrangment--especially when you're both conversant with what it is--shouldn't be a cause of much stress. You're not announcing plans to bring in a new man the next weekend or anything so drastic, I'll assume, so I think your fear of a negative reaction is unjustified.

She may not be interested. I doubt she'll be upset at you asking, though she likely will want to know why you ask.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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