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Old 05-27-2009, 03:38 AM
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Alhena Alhena is offline
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Default What words do you use - lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, something else?

I'm curious what people call their lovers -to others i mean. how do you introduce your primary or secondaries? what title do they have when you mention them casually to coworkers and acquaintances.

Is it lover? or boy/girlfriend? or husband/wife/spouse? partner? Is it a differant introduction when more than one of your partners is present? how do you respond to questions from people if more than one of your partners is present or they know your married but you introduce another partner?

what are your thoughts?
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Old 05-27-2009, 03:40 AM
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Alhena Alhena is offline
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When my bf asked me to be his gf he gave me the sweetest speech ever about how he wanted me to have a title, he didnt want to introduce me as a lover, just a friend or just "Alhena" he wanted to be able to see his friends and say this is my girlfriend. It was really cute so yesterday when we were at Disneyland he introduced me to a girl we ran into, that he trained with at work awhile back and i wondered what other people say.

He introcuded me as his gf and but when she started telling me about what a hard time he would give her she said your husband, i corrected her and said oh hes my bf. She seemed really confused and just laughed it off. Another time both he and his wife were with him and he introduced us as wife and gf, again people didnt ask anything just kinda smiled and looked confused. this is around friends, co workers and aquiantaces. Ive yet to meet any of their family so i wonder how I would be introduced in that setting since their family doesnt know they are poly.
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Old 05-27-2009, 01:54 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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When I was in a triad, none of us were married, so it was simple bf/gf type introductions. It didn't happen too often.

I don't quite like the "primary" / "secondary" titles since it shows the order you met people sometimes but not the intensity of the relationship. But it does seem to be pretty common and useful at times.

Introductions to family are fun. I am out to my family, but thay may have thought it was some fad I was going through.
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:16 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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It's always been the wife and gf when I introduce people. But we're moving into "these are my wives." It's amusing to watch people's faces as they realize I'm not joking. LOL
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:46 PM
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I call my husband my husband, my boyfriend my boyfriend, and can explain the the relationship to anyone just as it is , open and equal on all sides

any lovers I usually just tell people 'i have a connection with this person' or 'i am dating ____' or if i am talking to friends when x lover isnt present i do refer to that person as my lover or friend with benefits

i dont like to use the primary/secondary language because i dislike the idea of someone meaning more or less.
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Old 05-27-2009, 08:18 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nethergirl View Post
i dont like to use the primary/secondary language because i dislike the idea of someone meaning more or less.

Redpepper and her husband also don't like these terms. I am more than comfortable with being referred to as a secondary and often tease them with the reference LOL! In all honesty I hope I do mean less to her. Her primary relationship is sacred to me and will always take priority over my own needs. I must admit being called a Friend with Benefits would not sit well with me. The term disturbs me on some levels. Usually she refers to me as her boyfriend which is cool.

Interesting thread, as we are going to a poly meeting soon and another lover of hers is coming for the first time. She asked him what he'd like to be referred to as. She talks about him as a Friend with Benefits and will refer to him as a Lover. He is pretty happy however she describes their relationship.
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  #7  
Old 12-17-2013, 12:48 AM
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Default My wives!

It's always been my wives, unless I was dating one then it was gf, but since we've been out it's wives, and they call me their husband!
Btw, it sort of ticks me off, I can call the ladies my gf's, mistresses, even my purple dinosaurs and nobody gets excited, but if I move the letters around and call them my wives, ppl around us go insane.
>
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
It's always been the wife and gf when I introduce people. But we're moving into "these are my wives." It's amusing to watch people's faces as they realize I'm not joking. LOL
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oldpolyman View Post
It's always been my wives, unless I was dating one then it was gf, but since we've been out it's wives, and they call me their husband!
Btw, it sort of ticks me off, I can call the ladies my gf's, mistresses, even my purple dinosaurs and nobody gets excited, but if I move the letters around and call them my wives, ppl around us go insane.
>
Usually whenever people get upset at anything to do with Marriage at all of OTHER people, it is because they themselves have a secret desire they are suppressing.~

For example, they might be thinking, "Damn, I really want two Wives, but what would people think of me?" or "I want to Marry a Man, but I'm afraid to admit that since I am a Man myself, what would people think of me?"~

It almost always comes down to, "but what would people think of me?": often people are afraid to be themselves because they are afraid of other people and how they might be treated.~

I call the people that I love and who love me to my "Lovers", because I like that word and I am using it properly.~ Any one who thinks this word automatically has negative connotations no matter who uses it is an ignorant person, an uneducated person, or is a fool to me.~
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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 12-17-2013 at 07:53 PM.
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  #9  
Old 06-12-2009, 04:24 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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It's become apparent from other discussions that one term won't fit all partners. In the hierarchy of primary/secondary/tertiary, I'm thinking we can try to find terms to fit each that aren't clinical and don't sound derogatory in any fashion.

As I posted elsewhere in this thread, I think "paramour" works for primaries. For those who differentiate between their levels of involvement, then, what would be a good term for a secondary? A tertiary?
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Old 06-12-2009, 07:27 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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I still can't come up with anything SC.....my wife is still my wife, it would slight her to be called anything else. Paramour, sounds so oldfashioned, I don't think anyone to day would get what it meant. My 2nd I'm sure would feel slighted by being called secondary. So far all I've been able to come up with is "my girls"....even though they are both over 50! "Tribe" won't work, because people envision us living on a reservation, "clan" is so Celtic and none of us is Irish.....maybe I just have to call them "family"?
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