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  #1  
Old 10-26-2012, 12:35 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 327
Default how to slay the dragon once and for all?

Hello everyone,

It's been a little while since I've posted, but of course, three months cannot pass without a new poly dragon to slay. Mind helping me please? Background info on my footer, below post. ~~long as always - sorry!!!~~

So, I am having real trouble accepting a particular guy in my GF's life. She has known him at a distance for about a year. They played hot and cold and then 5 months ago he went away for business and they kissed at his leaving party. He's due back in a few weeks... Just as my stay here ends and I go back to the UK....

For some reason, he's always been the one guy I've told her I would be the most uncomfortable with her dating. I used to have a crush on a woman who I can probably never have and we used to joke that this guy and that woman were our two big deals in terms of.... date them and there might be a lot of work!

Anyway, my worst nightmare came true and she's probably going to sleep with him when I go back to England. They are messaging every day, pretty much sexting every day.

My GF has been extremely patient and understanding, reassuring etc. Much more so than she used to be. I can honestly say that aside from not dating him, she couldn't do anything else to make me happier. (But I would never veto).

Many things bother me about him. I keep trying to pinpoint what it is and how I can get over it. Firstly, I just don't like him very much. We usually meet each other's secondaries after a couple of dates. I finally got to meet him online the other day. The three of us got in a chat box and the first thing he did was tell my GF that she sends the hottest texts he's ever read. No hello to me or anything. At one point, he and my GF had been talking about spanking for 20 minutes (during which time I went for a smoke because I was so bored)... I returned and he said "I don't want your friend to feel left out". She took that as a really sweet thing - I could only see the word 'friend'. I am her primary partner, her wife, if we were permitted to marry. I am not her 'friend'. That really pissed me off!

((To be honest, I think he's just young (24) - I don't think he means any harm. I just think he's insensitive and a bit clueless.))

My GF and I talk about everything, but she didn't tell me about their kiss until days later. That really freaked me out. She said that she didn't know how to tell me, because she knew how much he bothered me.

We have more of a polysexual agreement with others; with the acceptance that love can happen - but none of us are actively seeking, desiring or encouraging it. He had a phone call with her the other night, for the first time. I was in the room. When she got off the phone, she said "err... I think you're right... he is a bit smitten... I should be careful." Then she left her phone open the next day and I saw that she had written something like "you were so adorable on the phone last night, falling asleep but not wanting to hang up... it just made me want to stroke your head in my lap..." wtf?!

She insists that she's not falling in love with him... but I am wondering otherwise. And if she is, she is. I'd just rather not be made a fool of. And i've told her that. But... I don't know.

To top it all off, they've been getting hotter and hotter over the past month or so - whilst our sex life has gone down and down. The reason is really to do with other limitations, like our toddler, business, etc etc; but then the breaking point came last night, when I heard her masturbating, then realised today that she'd been texting with him just beforehand. That has kind of messed with my head.

Basically, I just can't do this any more. Every time I see or hear his name I want to scream. I am determined to move past it. I also don't want my GF to have to give him up; nor listen to me moan on every damn day.

She has said a couple of times that she feels she should break it off, because he upsets both me and her husband. I've said it's not necessary. He hasn't specifically done anything wrong. It's our insecurity.

What about you guys? What would you do in this situation, if you were my GF, or if you were me? Have you been through something like this yourself?

Any advice or stories you can give would be so greatly appreciated.
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Me: (29f) open poly
life partner GF (39f)
newly dating Descartes (27f)

metamours:
Hubby (36m, GF's husband)
Garcon (26m, GF's submissive)



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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  #2  
Old 10-26-2012, 04:38 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I returned and he said "I don't want your friend to feel left out". She took that as a really sweet thing - I could only see the word 'friend'. I am her primary partner, her wife, if we were permitted to marry. I am not her 'friend'. That really pissed me off!
Does she understand why you are pissed off? Did she agree to explain the situation more explicitly to him, or is she disrespecting your relationship by letting him get away with referring to you as a "friend"?

Quote:
((To be honest, I think he's just young (24) - I don't think he means any harm. I just think he's insensitive and a bit clueless.))
So? Doesn't make it okay. All the more reason, in fact, for her to make an extra effort regarding clear communication- it's not fair to ANYONE to get him involved with this if he's clueless.

Quote:
To top it all off, they've been getting hotter and hotter over the past month or so - whilst our sex life has gone down and down. The reason is really to do with other limitations, like our toddler, business, etc etc; but then the breaking point came last night, when I heard her masturbating, then realised today that she'd been texting with him just beforehand. That has kind of messed with my head.
Understandable. Sexual energy and time are not infinite. If you were there to hear her masturbating, then conceivably that could have been time she shared with you (maybe not, I have kids too so I know sometimes you have to take alone time when you can get it, but it's something to think about). If this new relationship of hers is adversely affecting your relationship, you have good reason to be bothered by it. And if your relationship is being adversely affected by other things, it makes sense to make fixing the established relationship a priority before spending a lot of time and energy on a new person. It sounds like she's going to kiss him, sext him, sleep with him regardless of the way you feel about it. I understand you not wanting to veto, but it seems like she's not giving your feelings enough consideration. How is it giving reassurance to not tell you for a few days about kissing him, or to send you back to the UK with the knowledge that she's probably going to sleep with him?

She's saying one thing and doing another. Her comment after the phone call to you versus what she said to him is evidence of that. You've already talked about how her dating this person would be EXTRA work, on top of an already difficult long-distance arrangement, but I don't see her doing even the basic work, let along extra.

Quote:
I am determined to move past it. I also don't want my GF to have to give him up; nor listen to me moan on every damn day.

She has said a couple of times that she feels she should break it off, because he upsets both me and her husband. I've said it's not necessary. He hasn't specifically done anything wrong. It's our insecurity.
There's nothing wrong with realizing that he's not a good relationship for her. Even in poly (especially in poly?), the fact that you CAN date someone and WANT to date someone still doesn't necessarily mean that you SHOULD. If he bothers you, AND he bothers husband, and she's made statements herself about maybe not dating him, then perhaps it's time for you all to listen to yourselves. The guy doesn't have to do anything "wrong" in order to not be a good fit with her life and other relationships.

For myself and my partners, we can't even imagine dating someone the others were really uncomfortable with. It's not even a veto, but more a personal belief that upsetting my partner of X years over a new person I have no history with yet isn't worth it. MC hasn't always liked people I've had relationships with enough to want to be friends with them, but he's never been actually bothered by any of them. If he had been, I wouldn't have developed a relationship with them in the first place. TGIB is a little bothered by an ex of mine, but in that case that IS his deal to get over, and he knows it, because I've kept a friendship with this ex longer than I've even known TGIB, and my friendship with D doesn't affect my relationship with TGIB at all (it might later, when we live in the same town, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it). So unfortunately I don't have any advice besides, "Point out to her how her behavior is hurting you and ask her stop the behavior." Whether that means stopping dating him or just easing back on the amount of time and sexual intensity is something for you guys to decide.
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