A few words on prejudice

[MoonElf]

Hey all.
As someone who only recently came out of the poly closet (kind of forced out, actually) I've been experiencing a lot of prejudice, gossip and "slut shaming".
Fortunatly I have an awesome family and a few amazing friends and so far this didn't have a too much of a negative impact on my day-to-day life (despite being hurtful to me and my partners)

I'd love to know if this is something everybody has experienced, how do you guys deal with it, exchange a few tales and create a discussion, in general, about it.

I'll start with the three things I hear a lot (too much) about poly.
That this would only work on theory.
That I only say this because I didn't find the right person. (To which I respond: I did. I found two of them.)
That I don't understand ou have experienced "True Love" (This last one is really hurtfull for me.)

People also assume that since i'm too young (I'm in my early 20's) I'll eventually change my mind. "I'm too young to have really loved anyone", etc.

So what about you guys? Have you experienced/still experience prejudice? Are you still in closet in fear of it?

[GalaGirl]

You have a supportive family, and supportive friends and that is a blessing.

What strangers think or comment on -- that's more a reflection of their own beliefs than YOUR beliefs.

I find the easiest answer to be "Ok." Check it out:

"That would only work on theory."
"Ok." (Tada. End of conversation.)

"You only say this because you didn't find the right person."
"Ok." (Tada. End of conversation.)

"You don't understand-- you have not experienced "True Love."
"Ok. (Tada. End of conversation.)

"You are too young. You will eventually change your mind."
"Ok." (Tada. End of conversation.)

Have I experienced weird? Sure. That's why my fav button is "Bi, poly, and I STILL won't sleep with you." I've been hit on inappropriately -- because the person assumes that since I am poly I certainly must be promiscuous. But just because I'm poly doesn't mean I want to be poly with YOU. YKWIM?

I'm not shouting from the streets -- but I lead my life how I want. Right now we present as very "June and Ward Cleaver."

The "you are too young to know your own mind yet" thing? That one burned me the most in my 20's.

But guess what? The answer to that one is "Don't worry. I'll outgrow it."

I outgrew being "too young" and folks had to come up with some other reason for why I dare to live my life like it is MINE to live.

Galagirl

[MoonElf]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Have I experienced weird? Sure. That's why my fav button is "Bi, poly, and I STILL won't sleep with you."

I Love this XD The "ok" strategy is really good, too. I'll be sure to try this out next time I hear something like that.

Something that hapenned too was people saw me and CC together and came up with the most amazing tale about it.
When it reached my ears, "Peaches was an abusive boyfriend and I felt so opressend and sad that I let CC take advantage of the situation". People came to confront Peaches about how he MUST be treating me for me to do something like that. He said he could barely do something other than laugh.
I was bafled on how creative people could be. No one even bothered to ask me or CC what was going on.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I've been hit on inappropriately -- because the person assumes that since I am poly I certainly must be promiscuous. But just because I'm poly doesn't mean I want to be poly with YOU. YKWIM?

This happens a lot. People seem to misunderstand "poly and bi" as "I'll take whatever I can" and "I have a threesome with different people every day" for some reason. o.O

[CielDuMatin]

I more often get the "Well, if it works for you..." but done in such a dismissive tone that's it's one of those "I don't agree with it, but I don't want to know any more about it, so please stop talking about it." It feels sort of passive-aggressive to me.

I have had a few people be rather negative, but once they see that it is a natural part of my life, and that it's not going to go away, they often adjust their thinking process.

The best way to prove that it can work is not to try to convince them it will, but to *show* then it will. The best way to prove that you're not going to grow out of it is not to. Unless it's really important to you that these people do something to support you, just leave it be and get on with life.

[MoonElf]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

I more often get the "Well, if it works for you..." but done in such a dismissive tone that's it's one of those "I don't agree with it, but I don't want to know any more about it, so please stop talking about it." It feels sort of passive-aggressive to me.

I get that a lot. While my sister says it's not actually as agressive as calling me a slut or telling Peaches he ought to find a better girl for him (both did happen more than once or twice), I really think it's meant to be offensive. As you said, really passive-aggressive and does come off as "It may work for you, but I'm a better person than THAT"

I'm not feeling really affected by all the prejudice and slut shamming. CC is the one having the bigger problem with this I guess, in part because me and Peaches have been doing "out of society's little box" stuff besides from poly a long time before that. We are used to people bashing us for random reasons, Peaches even gets a good laugh out of it most of the times.

But I worry for CC. He has self-esteem problems already, and I can't help feeling it's my fault he is having to deal with this now.

[MusicalRose]

I'm not too worried about others' perceptions, but it does get obnoxious to hear the same kind of thing over and over again in a very disapproving tone of voice.

It is basically them gathering fodder to be able to say "I told you so" later if it doesn't work out. A very obnoxious interpersonal style IMO. Why do people feel the need to have things to hold over the heads of others?

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by MoonElf

When it reached my ears, "Peaches was an abusive boyfriend and I felt so opressend and sad that I let CC take advantage of the situation". People came to confront Peaches about how he MUST be treating me for me to do something like that. He said he could barely do something other than laugh.
I was bafled on how creative people could be. No one even bothered to ask me or CC what was going on.

He should laugh at them, loudly and openly.

And the response I recommend is: "Sez you."

"You've never been truly in love."
Sez you.

You've not found "the One."
Sez you.

If they sputter on, then something along the lines of "It's OK, I don't really expect anything better from people who have no clue." That's always shut down the stupidity for me.

[MoonElf]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

He should laugh at them, loudly and openly.

Peaches has a little game about that. Sometimes he will just laugh and point out how many assumptions people make. Sometimes he'll roleplay and go along with the conversation (like pretenting to be chocked that I'm "cheating" or having "jaleousy fits") until he can't help laughing any longer. THEN he'll laugh and say: "Nah, just messing with ya, I know about CC, we poly and I'm happy for her" or if he thinks he can shock the person a little furter: "Yeah, I know, I brought them condoms for their first time"

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

If they sputter on, then something along the lines of "It's OK, I don't really expect anything better from people who have no clue." That's always shut down the stupidity for me.

This seems specially usefull for those people who try to "convince you otherwise" and "educate you" on the path of "real love and true hapiness".

[GalaGirl]

But I worry for CC. He has self-esteem problems already, and I can't help feeling it's my fault he is having to deal with this now.

That is HIS choice to be with you, HIS feelings to own. Let him own his emotional baggage. Everyone holds their own bag.

If you want a graceful response? Apart from mere "ok" like "Ok, I hear ya. My ears are operational?"

"Thank you for your concern. In this matter you do not need to concern yourself for my sake."

GG

[Silkanie]

I too have had some negative opinions voiced in my life, hell in some ways it's like a lot of the LGBTQ and other people in Arizona would rather stomp on other down people in the world than unite.

I've had a Mormon Ask me why I would choose to have god hate me.

Heard the open and checked expression by ASU LGBTQ lead members that polyamory is hurting their ability to provide positive change in this world.

Been told bisexuality is for gays who don't have the guts to be gay. (And at a later date when I explained carefully how I select my partners told me I must have other medical flaws such as some form of Autism or Aspberger's Syndrome for describing what was in essence pansexuality, when at the time I didn't know the word).

With the acceptation of my father a stern and disapproving glare got the message across...much harder to keep an even emotional state when receiving such scorn from your family.