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Old 06-29-2010, 03:54 AM
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chefett chefett is offline
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Default In need of some help

My boyfriend wants a poly relationship, Im trying to adjust my thinking habits about relationships to help him out with this but i have a few rules. rule number one.... If/when he finds his second we must sleep in separate rooms every night. Rule number 2 a certain woman he wants he can not have due to the fact that i found some not so good emails between the two of them. He says they are just friends. am i being unreasonable ?
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Old 06-29-2010, 06:30 AM
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Originally Posted by chefett View Post
My boyfriend wants a poly relationship, Im trying to adjust my thinking habits about relationships to help him out with this but i have a few rules. rule number one.... If/when he finds his second we must sleep in separate rooms every night. Rule number 2 a certain woman he wants he can not have due to the fact that i found some not so good emails between the two of them. He says they are just friends. am i being unreasonable ?
I'm wondering if he has found poly because he wants to include that one woman you don't want him to have? I'm thinking you feel he has already crossed a line with her and see her as a person he has betrayed you with. That would be hard to accept but it does happen. If you don't want to share a bed with him when he finds a secondary, that indicate that you won't be doing this for the right reasons. Perhaps you should consider being with someone who you will want to spend each night with?
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Old 06-29-2010, 06:54 AM
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thank you. I do feel that he has betrayed me with this woman but not in a sexual way. I know that he loves me and I too am very much in love with him and I think some people are just born poly kinda like some people are born gay and i just happened to fall in love with a poly person. I dont want to share a room because I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's going to be out doing things with other women/woman and come climb into bed with me. Do I take on a roll of the non-sex partner? is that still poly? How do I sort out my feelings? Am I wrong in trying to do this for my boyfriend ? Are my rules just my way of not letting this happen ? because he says he wont do it if we have to sleep apart and not make love to each other. Also while he's out with whoever he chooses what am I to do ? Sit at home and Clean? I'm so confused.
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:01 AM
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thank you. I do feel that he has betrayed me with this woman but not in a sexual way. I know that he loves me and I too am very much in love with him and I think some people are just born poly kinda like some people are born gay and i just happened to fall in love with a poly person. I dont want to share a room because I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's going to be out doing things with other women/woman and come climb into bed with me. Do I take on a roll of the non-sex partner? is that still poly? How do I sort out my feelings? Am I wrong in trying to do this for my boyfriend ? Are my rules just my way of not letting this happen ? because he says he wont do it if we have to sleep apart and not make love to each other. Also while he's out with whoever he chooses what am I to do ? Sit at home and Clean? I'm so confused.
I know the idea of being a non-sexual partner. I have offered it many times because I felt I could better support Redpepper's freedom in that capacity. Like your boyfriend she does not want this. What is or isn't poly is not the issue (that debate is endless lol!) Perhaps your rules are just to put up impossible blocks which again is not a sign of healthy acceptance. Anyone can suffer through this, but you want to be healthy in it first and foremost. What do you do? Maybe explore starting up your own additional relationship or maybe use the time to do something else you want to. How does your boyfriend feel about you exploring others sexually? How do you feel about it?
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Old 06-29-2010, 02:06 PM
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I thought my rules were what I needed but Sauce (that's my boyfriend) said the same thing that I'm putting up walls that I know he wont climb. That's us in the profile pic I'm 40yrs and he's 30 I'm kinda set in the ways that i think a relationship goes but he's not and I'm trying to change that way of thinking and be healthy but it's hard. I'm changing the core of who I am. Sauce says he would be ok with me having a secondary partner but that maybe because he knows that would never happen. I do not want nor do I need a second partner. But then again he is alot more into poly and a free way of thinking and being. Thank you for your help. I just trying to get my feet back on solid ground here.
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:06 PM
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You and your boyfriend seem to be comunicating and respecting each other with great care. Sounds like you have a good base to explore this avenue of relationships. Do each of you have other sources for support locally? Forums are great but face to face support is also very important.
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