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  #1  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:53 AM
SlowlySideways SlowlySideways is offline
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Default Could do with some advice on whats going on???

Hi all,

After having a look around here I think this is the right place for me to explain my situation and get some advice from knowledgeable people on why I feel the way I do.
Having been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years and happily married for the last 8 of them to my wife (letís call her Rose) and we have 2 small children. We have a very good relationship and had often joked about having a threesome in the past, the opportunity had come up once or twice at parties etc. over the years but had never gone any further than just that.
Around a year ago Rose joined an all female sports team and over the last 6 months or so has found herself falling in love with one of the other girls there who happens to be a Lesbian bias Bi girl (letís call her Angel), apparently there was no love at first sight or lust stage they just got to know each other and connected on that higher level straight into love.
Now I knew nothing of this until following a party they were all at about 2 months ago she decided to bring her home and the inevitable happened, donít get me wrong I was all smiles for the next few days until the reality started to sink in.
We had a few weeks before Angel was going away for a month and we all slept together 4 or 5 times before she left which was always great although the level of passion between Rose and Angel was incredible to the point of being almost intimidating, these are the only times I ever really saw Angel but I am quite a sensitive person and she was beginning to grow on me already by then.
We then all kept in contact for the next 4 weeks via text etc. and then once she was back she spent 3 nights consecutively with us resulting in a distinct lack of sleep for everyone

Now I get Poly, I really like the idea and in my brain it all makes perfect sense, we have ended up with the clichť HBB without setting out to try and find one and when we are all together it feels awesome.
My problem is that the brain might well get it but the emotional side of me is in a constant battle with a gut wrenching, wanna puke feeling of jealousy that comes and goes in waves. I know it is completely unfounded, Rose and I have talked and talked about what we are doing and how anyone can call it off whenever they like to protect the primary etc. etc. and she has said she has no desire to go and have a lesbian relationship and is 100% committed to our marriage but I am slowly getting eaten alive by this emotion that I canít get past.

It is worst when they are both away together training or whatever and it also rears its ugly head when my wife is home with me but is constantly texting Angel on her phone, ( I donít think it is always Angel as I donít look on her phone, and itís probably no more than she used to it before but now itís different you know).
I would dearly love to be able to enjoy this amazing experience, try and grow my relationship with Angel who seems quite open to the idea of an ďusĒ within the triad, and have the same emotional stability in my stomach as I had before all this started. It is strong enough to stop me in my tracks and reduce me to tears in frustration with it sometimes.

How do I destroy this stupid feeling before it destroys me, the new relationship, the old relationship or even all three. I have read all the great sites such as More than Two etc. and have ordered The Ethical Slut and Redefining our Relationships to try and help me get my head around this but could really do with some input from people right now.

OK I think that should all make sense, over to you guys, questions please!!
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  #2  
Old 10-24-2012, 07:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Keep in mind you are having lots of fun new sex. That can cause a lot of brain hormone dump. It can take a few days to clear your body. Or you could be suffering "Wheee!" withdrawal when you are not getting hormone hits from the happy sexing. That could be magnifying the other things like jealousy and make it seem more dire than it is.

I am not minimizing your feelings -- they are whatever you feel. Just pointing out that you could have layers going on there all at the same time. Maybe have to work through it one layer at a time.

Quote:
It is worst when they are both away together training or whatever and it also rears its ugly head when my wife is home with me but is constantly texting Angel on her phone.
Well, it is good that you ID the times it happens. Do you also ID what your body is doing at the trigger time? All of that is called "spotting." My dad has to learn to do that for his conditions but really it's a general healthy thing to do -- keep your thoughts in good order. Then you are not feeding the black wolf "what iffing" all kinds of scenarios.

This describes the spotting method

http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/sy...-worksheet.asp

In the method they have to pick a tool to try to deal with the trigger situation. This doesn't expand on the tool but gives a sentence describing the tool phrase...perhaps that could help erase some of the "what if" working yourself up stuff?

http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/do..._and_terms.pdf


How do I destroy this stupid feeling before it destroys me, the new relationship, the old relationship or even all three.

Name the TYPE of jealousy. Perhaps look at this article to help you?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Are you doing all your page 5 things? Are they doing the page 6 things?

Galagirl
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  #3  
Old 10-24-2012, 04:58 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Has your wife or Angel done any reading here or on the various other sites or other outlets and resources to get an idea of what to expect?

Does Angel have a partner or partners?

In addition to but opposite to what Gala said.... could the chemical intoxication of the sex be blocking you normal response.

Triads rarely work. What happens if and when you get cut out ?...or your wife gets cut out <(far fetched hypothetical ) ???


Check out Braverseekers intro and other thread. He's going through a very similar transition.
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  #4  
Old 10-24-2012, 05:09 PM
Vosh Vosh is offline
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Default me too

I hear what your saying. Kinsda got that raging wanna puke jelousy issue but at least you feeling were considered but keep the talks with your wife going and hopfully things will work out
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  #5  
Old 10-24-2012, 05:27 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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Mm Hmm. I know that feeling. I went through it at the beginning of my relationship and a helpful person led me to understand C a little better. Some bi people aren't a mixture of hetero- and same sex attraction all the time. They go back and forth. With my fiancee it's like throwing a switch and I can tell right away which way the switch is flipped. When she goes to see her gf she says she loves me, I'm the man in her life, etc. etc. but I can tell that for that time she's really not turned on by me. She's into J and even though I'm welcome to come along (we're all friends), it's J who gets her attention. Fortunately there's enough of C to go around and I don't get left out.

Yes, I knew C had a gf when we started dating and it was ok with me, but yes, there's that little jealously thing in there somewhere generating poisonous thoughts. Mine is fear and insecurity that somehow I'll lose her love. Yes, that's always a possibility but that little voice says J will be a part of it. Believe me, it's taken a lot of work. It helps that J is a good friend of mine, too, and we've known each other a long time. We do a lot of things together like concerts, movies, dinner, a canoe trip and stuff like that and I have cachet to talk about my fears.

It'll probably take a lot of work for you, too. That little gremlin will always be there, it's just a matter of choice of whether or not to listen to it.

Last edited by Stevenjaguar; 10-24-2012 at 05:29 PM.
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  #6  
Old 10-24-2012, 08:13 PM
SlowlySideways SlowlySideways is offline
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Hi all, thanks for the great replies.
I'm not sure if this is the right time to be posting as Angel was with us last night and I am still riding the wave at this point!!

I am not sure about how the sex high is effecting my feelings, I know that I am most settled and calm when we are all together, whether that's in the bedroom or just when we are all in the same space together.
I read the pdf link GalaGirl posted and scarily almost every item on page 4 I feel at some level, I have really tried to delve into what I feel but can't seem to pin it down to just one or two emotions to work it out.

The page 5 and 6 thing is difficult, they are both involved in a big tournament this weekend and have been focused on training etc. for that all week, so I am really trying to not let this spill out at this stage as the last thing they need is me adding to the dramas, however I am hopefully going to be able to talk to them both after the weekend and lay it all out on the table.

Frustratingly for me as I am starting to feel like a broken record every time I bring this up with my wife but I don't think either of them have done much if any reading or research into what it is we are doing, both Rose and Angel are completely relaxed about the whole thing and seem happy to just go with the flow.
I think my wife may always have been secretly Poly as she is so comfortable with it and Angels only concern is that this does not damage our marriage, I mean they are both being the perfect partners and I should have no reason to feel the way I do, damn it!!

Dingedheart, no Angel does not have any other partners although she did hook up with an old flame whilst she was away but nothing serious, we have not really discussed this in any depth but I think she is getting everything she wants from the two of us at the moment.

Vosh, I read your thread and can't even begin to imagine the pain you are being put through, I wish you all the best and hope it works itself out for you.

Steven, I want to get to where you are now, I am prepared to put in however much work it takes but feel lost as to where and how to start!!

Thanks

Oh and one other thing, Rose has asked if its OK for them to go away for a weekend to a friends birthday party in a month together, of course I said yes but I already know that it is going to tear me apart if I don't get a handle on this thing before then!!!

Last edited by SlowlySideways; 10-24-2012 at 08:16 PM.
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  #7  
Old 10-24-2012, 09:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I think my wife may always have been secretly Poly as she is so comfortable with it and Angels only concern is that this does not damage our marriage, I mean they are both being the perfect partners and I should have no reason to feel the way I do, damn it!!
You feel however you feel because some want/need is not being met. Emotional management is challening to learn but it can be done.

You could stop using "should" language with yourself. Just accept that you feel whatever it is and focus on what you want -- "I want to experience freedom from ughness." So note what is ugh free. Relax. If you need reassurance or support -- ask your partners for it. They sound willing to give.

Rather than focus on what you do not want -- "I do not want to experience yucky emotional ugh!" Nobody WANTS to experience ugh -- but it is not realistic in approach to always be on guard for "No ugh here on me! No ugh here on me!" You end up LOOKING for the "Ugh" and where it is parked at (here or not here?) rather than allowing yourself to look for the "yay" and experience that more fully instead. It is a good way to make oneself feel wiggy!

Now since they are out of town for a tournament, have you set a "relationship talk" appointment? Perhaps going over that sheet together? Then you can ask for help to own and do your page 5 things. And they can own and do their page 6 things so you feel some relief?

Mostly the passage of time will help --" LOOK! A year in! NOTHING horrible happened!" But in the meanwhile... it isn't a terrible thing to ask for help or support/nurture as you work on your jealousy things.

Since you say all of page 4 applies -- how about rewriting them in the order of ughness? Then tackle the easy ones to get rid of first so there's less on the plate? Say top 3 -- what are those? Bottom 3 -- what are those?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-24-2012 at 10:30 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-24-2012, 10:17 PM
SlowlySideways SlowlySideways is offline
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Hi G/G,

You raise a very good point which I had not even noticed about the "should" issue, I guess after 15 years of stable emotional bliss where management was not even required it is certainly a new learning curve I am on now!!

I understand what you are saying about focusing on what I want rather than what I don't and I do try to keep looking at the Yay side but its a persistent beast inside this one.

I have not mentioned about having a "talk" with them although I have indicated to Rose that it will need to happen soon. I think bringing it up now would create uncertainty and could bring on the need to talk about it there and then, I will wait until after the weekend and then ask them for a suitable time to sit down together asap.

Thankfully they are not out of town for this tournament its a local one and I am going to be involved with it to some degree which is great for me.

I know time is going to be one of the biggest healers and that this is still all new and full of various levels of NRE, and I am determined to work through this and not let it bring me down to its level.

Going to sort through page 4 now and see what I find.
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  #9  
Old 10-24-2012, 10:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I have not mentioned about having a "talk" with them although I have indicated to Rose that it will need to happen soon. I think bringing it up now would create uncertainty and could bring on the need to talk about it there and then, I will wait until after the weekend and then ask them for a suitable time to sit down together asap.
Make it the normal check in time. Once a week, once a month. Whatever it is. We take the car in for oil changes to maintain well. Why not the polyship so it can fly right? And yes -- avoid the urge to talk impulsively. Doesn't give anyone time to prepare or clear calendar for a nice block of time without interruption. Treat your polyship like it's something of value and worth making time to tend.

Perhaps starting with good habits like that so all can be heard will also help assuage some of the jealousy fears like you will be somehow left out?

GG
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